the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第14部分

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bizniss。　　What　are　your　sentiments？〃

Sez　I；　〃I　hain't　got　any。〃

〃Good　God！〃　cried　the　Perfesser；　〃did　I　understan　you　to　say
you　hav　no　sentiments！〃

〃Nary　a　sentiment！〃　sez　I。

〃Mister　Ward；　don't　your　blud　bile　at　the　thawt　that　three
million　and　a　half　of　your　culled　brethren　air　a　clankin　their
chains　in　the　South？〃

Sez　I；　〃Not　a　bile！　　Let　'em　clank！〃

He　was　about　to　continner　his　flowry　speech　when　I　put　a
stopper　on　him。　　Sez　I；　〃Perfesser　Peck；　A。　Ward　is　my　name　&
Americky　is　my　nashun；　I'm　allers　the　same；　tho'　humble　is　my
station；　and　I've　bin　in　the　show　bizniss　goin　on　22　years。
The　pint　is；　can　I　hav　your　Hall　by　payin　a　fair　price？　　You
air　full　of　sentiments。　　That's　your　lay；　while　I'm　a　exhibiter
of　startlin　curiosities。　　What　d'ye　say？〃

〃Mister　Ward；　you　air　endowed　with　a　hily　practical　mind；　and
while　I　deeply　regret　that　you　air　devoid　of　sentiments　I'll
let　you　hav　the　hall　provided　your　exhibition　is　of　a　moral　&
elevatin　nater。〃

Sez　I；　〃Tain't　nothin　shorter。〃

So　I　opened　in　Kolonial　Hall；　which　was　crowded　every　nite　with
stujents；　&c。　　Perfesser　Finny　gazed　for　hours　at　my　Kangaroo；
but　when　that　sagashus　but　onprincipled　little　cuss　set　up　one
of　his　onarthly　yellins　and　I　proceeded　to　hosswhip　him；　the
Perfesser　objected。　　〃Suffer　not　your　angry　pashums　to　rise　up
at　the　poor　annimil's　little　excentrissities；〃　said　the
Perfesser。

〃Do　you　call　such　conduck　as　THOSE　a　little　excentrissity？〃　I
axed。

〃I　do；〃　sed　he；　sayin　which　he　walked　up　to　the　cage　and　sez
he；　〃let's　try　moral　swashun　upon　the　poor　creeter。〃　　So　he　put
his　hand　upon　the　Kangeroo's　hed　and　sed；　〃poor　little　fellow
poor　little　fellowyour　master　is　very　crooil；　isn't　he；　my
untootered　frend；〃　when　the　Kangaroo；　with　a　terrific　yell；
grabd　the　Perfesser　by　the　hand　and　cum　very　near　chawin　it
orf。　　It　was　amoozin　to　see　the　Perfesser　jump　up　and　scream
with　pane。　　Sez　I；　〃that's　one　of　the　poor　little　fellow's
excentrissities！〃

Sez　he；　〃Mister　Ward；　that's　a　dangerous　quadruped。　　He's
totally　depraved。　I　will　retire　and　do　my　lasserated　hand　up　in
a　rag；　and　meanwhile　I　request　you　to　meat　out　summery　and
severe　punishment　to　the　vishus　beest；〃　I　hosswhipt　the　little
cuss　for　upwards　of　15　minutes。　　Guess　I　licked　sum　of　his
excentrissity　out　of　him。

Oberlin　is　a　grate　plase。　　The　College　opens　with　a　prayer　and
then　the　New　York　Tribune　is　read。　　A　kolleckshun　is　then　taken
up　to　buy　overkoats　with　red　horn　buttons　onto　them　for　the
indignant　cullured　people　of　Kanady。　　I　have　to　contribit
librally　two　the　glowrius　work；　as　they　kawl　it　hear。　　I'm
kompelled　by　the　Fackulty　to　reserve　front　seets　in　my　show　for
the　cullered　peple。　　At　the　Boardin　House　the　cullered　peple
sit　at　the　first　table。　　What　they　leeve　is　maid　into　hash　for
the　white　peple。　　As　I　don't　like　the　idee　of　eatin　my　vittles
with　Ethiopians；　I　sit　at　the　seckind　table；　and　the
konsequence　is　I've　devowered　so　much　hash　that　my　inards　is　in
a　hily　mixt　up　condishun。　　Fish　bones　hav　maid　their　appearance
all　over　my　boddy　and　pertater　peelins　air　a　springin　up
through　my　hair。　　Howsever　I　don't　mind　it。　　I'm　gittin　along
well　in　a　pecunery　pint　of　view。　　The　College　has　konfired　upon
me　the　honery　title　of　T。K。；　of　which　I'm　suffishuntly　prowd。


1。11。　　THE　SHOWMAN'S　COURTSHIP。

Thare　was　many　affectin　ties　which　made　me　hanker　arter　Betsy
Jane。　　Her　father's　farm　jined　our'n；　their　cows　and　our'n
squencht　their　thurst　at　the　same　spring；　our　old　mares　both
had　stars　in　their　forreds；　the　measles　broke　out　in　both
famerlies　at　nearly　the　same　period；　our　parients　（Betsy's　and
mine）　slept　reglarly　every　Sunday　in　the　same　meetin　house；　and
the　nabers　used　to　obsarve；　〃How　thick　the　Wards　and　Peasleys
air！〃　　It　was　a　surblime　site；　in　the　Spring　of　the　year；　to
see　our　sevral　mothers　（Betsy's　and　mine）　with　their　gowns
pin'd　up　so　thay　couldn't　sile　'em；　affecshuntly　Bilin　sope
together　&　aboozin　the　nabers。

Altho　I　hankerd　intensly　arter　the　objeck　of　my　affecshuns；　I
darsunt　tell　her　of　the　fires　which　was　rajin　in　my　manly
Buzzum。　　I'd　try　to　do　it　but　my　tung　would　kerwollup　up　agin
the　roof　of　my　mowth　&　stick　thar；　like　deth　to　a　deseast
Afrikan　or　a　country　postmaster　to　his　offiss；　while　my　hart
whanged　agin　my　ribs　like　a　old　fashioned　wheat　Flale　agin　a
barn　floor。

'Twas　a　carm　still　nite　in　Joon。　　All　nater　was　husht　and　nary
a　zeffer　disturbed　the　sereen　silens。　　I　sot　with　Betsy　Jane　on
the　fense　of　her　farther's　pastur。　　We'd　bin　rompin　threw　the
woods；　kullin　flours　&　drivin　the　woodchuck　from　his　Nativ　Lair
（so　to　speak）　with　long　sticks。　　Wall；　we　sot　thar　on　the
fense；　a　swingin　our　feet　two　and　fro；　blushin　as　red　as　the
Baldinsville　skool　house　when　it　was　fust　painted；　and　lookin
very　simple；　I　make　no　doubt。　　My　left　arm　was　ockepied　in
ballunsin　myself　on　the　fense；　while　my　rite　was　woundid
luvinly　round　her　waste。

I　cleared　my　throat　and　tremblin　sed；　〃Betsy；　you're　a
Gazelle。〃

I　thought　that　air　was　putty　fine。　　I　waitid　to　see　what　effeck
it　would　hav　upon　her。　　It　evidently　didn't　fetch　her；　for　she
up　and　sed；

〃You're　a　sheep！〃

Sez　I；　〃Betsy；　I　think　very　muchly　of　you。〃

〃I　don't　b'leeve　a　word　you　sayso　there　now　cum！〃　with　which
obsarvashun　she　hitched　away　from　me。

〃I　wish　thar　was　winders　to　my　Sole；〃　sed　I；　〃so　that　you　could
see　some　of　my　feelins。　　There's　fire　enuff　in　here；〃　sed　I；
strikin　my　buzzum　with　my　fist；　〃to　bile　all　the　corn　beef　and
turnips　in　the　naberhood。　　Versoovius　and　the　Critter　ain't　a
circumstans！〃

She　bowd　her　hed　down　and　commenst　chawin　the　strings　to　her
sun　bonnet。

〃Ar　could　you　know　the　sleeplis　nites　I　worry　threw　with　on
your　account；　how　vittles　has　seized　to　be　attractiv　to　me　&
how　my　lims　has　shrunk　up；　you　wouldn't　dowt　me。　　Gase　on　this
wastin　form　and　these　'ere　sunken　cheeks〃

I　should　have　continnered　on　in　this　strane　probly　for　sum
time；　but　unfortnitly　I　lost　my　ballunse　and　fell　over　into　the
pastur　ker　smash；　tearin　my　close　and　seveerly　damagin　myself
ginerally。

Betsy　Jane　sprung　to　my　assistance　in　dubble　quick　time　and
dragged　me　4th。　　Then　drawin　herself　up　to　her　full　hite　she
sed：

〃I　won't　listen　to　your　noncents　no　longer。　　Jes　say　rite
strate　out　what　you're　drivin　at。　　If　you　mean　gettin　hitched；
I'M　IN！〃

I　considered　that　air　enuff　for　all　practicul　purpusses；　and　we
proceeded　immejitely　to　the　parson's；　&　was　made　1　that　very
nite。

（Notiss　to　the　Printer：　　Put　some　stars　here。）

　　　　　　　　*　　　　　　　　*　　　　　　　　*　　　　　　　　*　　　　　　　　*　　　　　　　　*

I've　parst　threw　many　tryin　ordeels　sins　then；　but　Betsy　Jane
has　bin　troo　as　steel。　　By　attendin　strickly　to　bizniss　I've
amarsed　a　handsum　Pittance。　No　man　on　this　footstool　can　rise　&
git　up　&　say　I　ever　knowinly　injered　no　man　or　wimmin　folks；
while　all　agree　that　my　Show　is　ekalled　by　few　and　exceld　by
none；　embracin　as　it　does　a　wonderful　colleckshun　of　livin　wild
Beests　of　Pray；　snaix　in　grate　profushun；　a　endliss　variety　of
life…size　wax　figgers；　&　the　only　traned　kangaroo　in　Ameriky
the　most　amoozin　little　cuss　ever　introjuced　to　a　discriminatin
public。


1。12。　　THE　CRISIS。

＇This　Oration　was　delivered　before　the　commencement　of　the
war。＇

On　returnin　to　my　humsted　in　Baldinsville；　Injianny；　resuntly；
my　feller　sitterzens　extended　a　invite　for　me　to　norate　to　'em
on　the　Krysis。　　I　excepted　&　on　larst　Toosday　nite　I　peared　be4
a　C　of　upturned　faces　in　the　Red　Skool　House。　　I　spoke　nearly
as　follers：

Baldinsvillins：　　Hearto4；　as　I　hav　numerously　obsarved；　I　have
abstrained　from　having　any　sentimunts　or　principles；　my
pollertics；　like　my　religion；　bein　of　a　exceedin　accommodatin
character。　　But　the　fack　can't　be　no　longer　disgised　that　a
Krysis　is　onto　us；　&　I　feel　it's　my　dooty　to　accept　your　invite
for　one　consecutive　nite　only。　　I　spose　the　inflammertory
individooals　who　assisted　in　projucing　this　Krysis　know　what
good　she　will　do；　but　I　ain't　'shamed　to　state　that　I　don't
scacely。　　But　the　Krysis　is　hear。　　She's　bin　hear　for　sevral
weeks；　&　Goodness　nose　how　long　she'll　stay。　　But　I　venter　to
assert　that　she's　rippin　things。　　She's　knockt　trade　into　a
cockt　up　hat　and　chaned　Bizness　of　all　kinds　tighter　nor　I　ever
chaned　any　of　my　livin　wild　Beests。　　Alow　me　to　hear　dygress　&
stait　that　my　Beests　at　presnt　is　as　harmless　as　the　newborn
Babe。　　Ladys　&　gentlemen　needn't　hav　no　fears　on　that　pint。　　To
resoomAltho　I　can't　exactly　see　what　good　this　Krysis　can　do；
I　can　very　quick　say　what　the　origernal　cawz　of　her　is。　　The
origernal　cawz　is　Our　Afrikan　Brother。　　I　was　into　BARNIM'S
Moozeum　down　to　New　York　the　other　day　&　saw　that　exsentric
Etheopian；　the　What　Is　It。　　Sez　I；　〃Mister　What　Is　It；　you
folks　air　raisin　thunder　with　this　grate　country。　　You're
gettin　to　be　ruther　more　numeris　than　interestin。　　It　is　a　pity
you　coodent　go　orf　sumwhares　by　yourselves；　&　be　a　nation　of
What　Is　Its；　tho'　if　you'll　excoose　me；　I　shooden't　care　about
marryin　among　you。　　No　dowt　you're　exceedin　charmin　to　hum；　but
your　stile　of　luvliness　isn't　adapted　to　this　cold　climit。　　He
larfed　into　my　face；　which　rather　Riled　me；　as　I　had　been
perfeckly　virtoous　and　respectable　in　my　observashuns。　　So　sez
I；　turnin　a　leetle　red　in　the　face；　I　spect；　〃Do　you　hav　the
unblushin　impoodents　to　say　you　folks　haven't　raised　a　big　mess
of　thunder　in　this　brite　land；　Mister　What　Is　It？〃　　He　larfed
agin；　wusser　nor　be4；　whareupon　I　up　and　sez；　〃Go　home；　Sir；　to
Afriky's　burnin　shores　&　taik　all　the　other　What　Is　Its　along
with　you。　　Don't　think　we　can　spair　your　interestin　picters。
You　What　Is　Its　air　on　the　pint　of　smashin　up　the　gratest
Guv'ment　ever　erected　by　man；　&　you　actooally　hav　the　owdassity
to　larf　about　it。　　Go　home；　you　low　cuss！〃

I　was　workt　up　to　a　high　pitch；　&　I　proceeded　to　a　Restorator　&
cooled　orf　with　some　little　fishes　biled　in　ileI　b'leeve　thay
call　'em　sardeens。

Feller　Sitterzuns；　the　Afrikan　may　be　Our　Brother。　　Sevral　hily
respectyble　gentlemen；　and　sum　talentid　females　tell　us　so；　&
fur　argyment's　sake　I　mite　be　injooced　to　grant　it；　tho'　I
don't　beleeve　it　myself。　　But　the　Afrikan　isn't　our　sister　&
our　wife　&　our