the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第18部分

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terrible　by　his　vile　insinuations；　&　finally　smothers　her　to
deth　with　a　piller。　　Mrs。　Iago　cums　in　just　as　Otheller　has
finished　the　fowl　deed　&　givs　him　fits　right　&　left；　showin　him
that　he　has　bin　orfully　gulled　by　her　miserble　cuss　of　a
husband。　　Iago　cums　in；　&　his　wife　commences　rakin　him　down
also；　when　he　stabs　her。　　Otheller　jaws　him　a　spell　&　then　cuts
a　small　hole　in　his　stummick　with　his　sword。　　Iago　pints　to
Desdemony's　deth　bed　&　goes　orf　with　a　sardonic　smile　onto　his
countenance。　　Otheller　tells　the　peple　that　he　has　dun　the
state　sum　service　&　they　know　it；　axes　them　to　do　as　fair　a
thing　as　they　can　for　him　under　the　circumstances；　&　kills
hisself　with　a　fish…knife；　which　is　the　most　sensible　thing　he
can　do。　　This　is　a　breef　skedule　of　the　synopsis　of　the　play。

Edwin　Forrest　is　a　grate　acter。　　I　thot　I　saw　Otheller　before
me　all　the　time　he　was　actin；　&　when　the　curtin　fell；　I　found
my　spectacles　was　still　mistened　with　salt…water；　which　had　run
from　my　eyes　while　poor　Desdemony　was　dyin。　　Betsy　JaneBetsy
Jane！　let　us　pray　that　our　domestic　bliss　may　never　be　busted
up　by　a　Iago！

Edwin　Forrest　makes　money　actin　out　on　the　stage。　　He　gits
five…hundred　dollars　a　nite　&　his　board　&　washin。　　I　wish　I　had
such　a　Forrest　in　my　Garding！


1。21。　　THE　SHOW　BUSINESS　AND　POPULAR　LECTURES。

I　feel　that　the　Show　Bizniss；　which　Ive　stroven　to　ornyment；　is
bein　usurpt　by　Poplar　Lecturs；　as　thay　air　kalled；　tho　in　my
pinion　thay　air　poplar　humbugs。　　Individoouls；　who　git　hard　up；
embark　in　the　lecturin　biznis。　　They　cram　theirselves　with
hi…sounding　frazis；　frizzle　up　their　hare；　git　trustid　for　a　soot
of　black　close　&　cum　out　to　lectur　at　50　dollers　a　pop。　　Thay
aint　over　stockt　with　branes；　but　thay　hav　brass　enuff　to　make
suffishunt　kittles　to　bile　all　the　sope　that　will　be　required
by　the　ensooin　sixteen　ginerashuns。　　Peple　flock　to　heer　um　in
krowds。　　The　men　go　becawz　its　poplar　&　the　wimin　folks　go　to
see　what　other　wimin　folks　have　on。　　When　its　over　the　lecturer
goze　&　ragales　hisself　with　oysters　and　sich；　while　the　peple
say；　〃What　a　charmin　lectur　that　air　was；〃　etsettery；
etsettery；　when　9　out　of　10　of　um　don't　have　no　moore　idee　of
what　the　lecturer　sed　than　my　kangeroo　has　of　the　sevunth　speer
of　hevun。　　Thare's　moore　infurmashun　to　be　gut　out　of　a　well
conductid　noospaperprice　3　sentsthan　thare　is　out　of　ten
poplar　lectures　at　25　or　50　dollers　a　pop；　as　the　kase　may　be。
These　same　peple；　bare　in　mind；　stick　up　their　nosis　at　moral
wax　figgers　&　sagashus　beests。　　Thay　say　these　things　is　low。
Gents；　it　greeves　my　hart　in　my　old　age；　when　I'm　in　〃the　Sheer
&　yeller　leef〃　（to　cote　frum　my　Irish　frend　Mister　McBeth）　to
see　that　the　Show　biznis　is　pritty　much　plade　out；　howsomever　I
shall　chance　it　agane　in　the　Spring。


1。22。　　WOMAN'S　RIGHTS。

I　pitcht　my　tent　in　a　small　town　in　Injianny　one　day　last
seeson；　&　while　I　was　standin　at　the　dore　takin　money；　a
deppytashun　of　ladies　came　up　&　sed　they　wos　members　of　the
Bunkumville　Female　Moral　Reformin　&　Wimin's　Rite's　Associashun；
and　thay　axed　me　if　they　cood　go　in　without　payin。

〃Not　exactly；〃　sez　I；　〃but　you　can　pay　without　goin　in。〃

〃Dew　you　know　who　we　air？〃　sed　one　of　the　wimina　tall　and
feroshus　lookin　critter；　with　a　blew　kotton　umbreller　under　her
arm〃do　you　know　who　we　air；　Sir？〃

〃My　impreshun　is；〃　sed　I；　〃from　a　kersery　view；　that　you　air
females。〃

〃We　air；　Sur；〃　sed　the　feroshus　woman〃we　belong　to　a　Society
whitch　beleeves　wimin　has　riteswhitch　beleeves　in　razin　her
to　her　proper　speerwhitch　beleeves　she　is　indowed　with　as
much　intelleck　as　man　iswhitch　beleeves　she　is　trampled　on
and　aboozed&　who　will　resist　henso4th　&　forever　the
incroachments　of　proud　&　domineering　men。〃

Durin　her　discourse；　the　exsentric　female　grabed　me　by　the
coat…kollor　&　was　swinging　her　umbreller　wildly　over　my　hed。

〃I　hope；　marm；〃　sez　I；　starting　back；　〃that　your　intensions　is
honorable！　　I'm　a　lone　man　hear　in　a　strange　place。　　Besides；
I've　a　wife　to　hum。〃

〃Yes；〃　cried　the　female；　〃&　she's　a　slave！　　Doth　she　never
dream　of　freedomdoth　she　never　think　of　throwin　off　the　yoke
of　tyrrinny　&　thinkin　&　votin　for　herself？Doth　she　never
think　of　these　here　things？〃

〃Not　bein　a　natral　born　fool；〃　sed　I；　by　this　time　a　little
riled；　〃I　kin　safely　say　that　she　dothunt。〃

〃Oh　whotwhot！〃　screamed　the　female；　swingin　her　umbreller　in
the　air。〃O；　what　is　the　price　that　woman　pays　for　her
expeeriunce！〃

〃I　don't　know；〃　sez　I；　〃the　price　of　my　show　is　15　cents　pur
individooal。〃

〃&　can't　our　Soisety　go　in　free？〃　asked　the　female。

〃Not　if　I　know　it；〃　sed　I。

〃Crooil；　crooil　man！〃　she　cried；　&　bust　into　teers。

〃Won't　you　let　my　darter　in？〃　sed　anuther　of　the　exsentric
wimin；　taken　me　afeckshunitely　by　the　hand。　　〃O；　please　let　my
darter　in；shee's　a　sweet　gushin　child　of　natur。〃

〃Let　her　gush！〃　roared　I；　as　mad　as　I　cood　stick　at　their
tarnal　nonsense；　〃let　her　gush！〃　　Where　upon　they　all　sprung
back　with　the　simultanious　observashun　that　I　was　a　Beest。

〃My　female　friends；〃　sed　I；　〃be4　you　leeve；　I've　a　few　remarks
to　remark；　wa　them　well。　　The　female　woman　is　one　of　the
greatest　institooshuns　of　which　this　land　can　boste。　　Its
onpossible　to　get　along　without　her。　　Had　there　bin　no　female
wimin　in　the　world；　I　should　scarcely　be　here　with　my
unparalleld　show　on　this　very　occashun。　　She　is　good　in
sicknessgood　in　wellnessgood　all　the　time。　　O　woman；
woman！〃　I　cried；　my　feelins　worked　up　to　a　hi　poetick　pitch；
〃you　air　a　angle　when　you　behave　yourself；　but　when　you　take
off　your　proper　appairel　&　（mettyforically　speaken）get　into
pantyloonswhen　you　desert　your　firesides；　&　with　your　heds
full　of　wimin's　rites　noshuns　go　round　like　roarin　lions；
seekin　whom　you　may　devour　someboddyin　short；　when　you
undertake　to　play　the　man；　you　play　the　devil　and　air　an
emfatic　noosance。　　My　female　friends；〃　I　continnered；　as　they
were　indignantly　departin；　〃wa　well　what　A。　Ward　has　sed！〃


1。23。　　WOULD…BE　SEA　DOGS。

Sum　of　the　captings　on　the　Upper　Ohio　River　put　on　a　heep　of
airs。　　To　hear　'em　git　orf　saler　lingo　you'd　spose　they'd　bin
on　the　briny　Deep　for　a　lifetime；　when　the　fact　is　they　haint
tasted　salt　water　since　they　was　infants；　when　they　had　to　take
it　for　WORMS。　　Still　they　air　good　natered　fellers；　and　when
they　drink　they　take　a　dose　big　enuff　for　a　grown　person。


1。24。　　THE　PRINCE　OF　WALES。

To　my　friends　of　the　Editorial　Corpse：

I　rite　these　lines　on　British　sile。　　I've　bin　follerin　Mrs。
Victory's　hopeful　sun　Albert　Edward　threw　Kanady　with　my
onparaleled　Show；　and　tho　I　haint　made　much　in　a　pecoonary　pint
of　vew；　I've　lernt　sumthin　new；　over　hear　on　British　Sile；
whare　they　bleeve　in　Saint　George　and　the　Dragoon。　　Previs　to
cumin　over　hear　I　tawt　my　organist　how　to　grind　Rule　Brittany
and　other　airs　which　is　poplar　on　British　Sile。　　I　likewise
fixt　a　wax　figger　up　to　represent　Sir　Edmun　Hed　the　Govner
Ginral。　　The　statoot　I　fixt　up　is　the　most　versytile　wax
statoot　I　ever　saw。　　I've　showd　it　as　Wm。　Penn；　Napoleon
Bonypart；　Juke　of　Wellington；　the　Beneker　Boy；　Mrs。　Cunningham
&　varis　other　notid　persons；　and　also　for　a　sertin　pirut　named
Hix。　　I've　bin　so　long　amung　wax　statoots　that　I　can　fix　'em　up
to　soot　the　tastes　of　folks；　&　with　sum　paints　I　hav　I　kin　giv
their　facis　a　beneverlent　or　fiendish　look　as　the　kase
requires。　　I　giv　Sir　Edmun　Hed　a　beneverlent　look；　&　when　sum
folks　who　thawt　they　was　smart　sed　it　didn't　look　like　Sir
Edmun　Hed　anymore　than　it　did　anybody　else；　I　sed；　〃That's　the
pint。　　That's　the　beauty　of　the　Statoot。　　It　looks　like　Sir
Edmun　Hed　or　any　other　man。　　You　may　kall　it　what　you　pleese。
Ef　it　don't　look　like　anybody　that　ever　lived；　then　it's
sertinly　a　remarkable　Statoot　&　well　worth　seein。　　_I_　　kall　it
Sir　Edmun　Hed。　　YOU　may　kall　it　what　you　pleese！〃　　＇I　had　'em
thare。＇

At　larst　I've　had　a　interview　with　the　Prince；　tho　it　putty
nigh　cost　me　my　vallerble　life。　　I　cawt　a　glimpse　of　him　as　he
sot　on　the　Pizarro　of　the　hotel　in　Sarnia；　&　elbowd　myself
threw　a　crowd　of　wimin；　children；　sojers　&　Injins　that　was
hangin　round　the　tavern。　　I　was　drawin　near　to　the　Prince　when
a　red…faced　man　in　Millingtery　close　grabd　holt　of　me　and　axed
me　whare　I　was　goin　all　so　bold？

〃To　see　Albert　Edard　the　Prince　of　Wales；〃　sez　I；　〃who　are
you？〃

He　sed　he　was　Kurnel　of　the　Seventy　Fust　Regiment；　Her
Magisty's　troops。　　I　told　him　I　hoped　the　Seventy　Onesters　was
in　good　helth；　and　was　passin　by　when　he　ceased　hold　of　me
agin；　and　sed　in　a　tone　of　indigent　cirprise：

〃What？　　Impossible！　　It　kannot　be！　　Blarst　my　hize；　sir；　did　I
understan　you　to　say　that　you　was　actooally　goin　into　the
presents　of　his　Royal　Iniss？〃

〃That's　what's　the　matter　with　me；〃　I　replide。

〃But　blarst　my　hize；　sir；　its　onprecedented。　　It's　orful；　sir。
Nothin'　like　it　hain't　happened　sins　the　Gun　Powder　Plot　of　Guy
Forks。　　Owdashus　man；　who　air　you？〃

〃Sir；〃　sez　I；　drawin　myself　up　&　puttin　on　a　defiant　air；　〃I'm
a　Amerycan　sitterzen。　　My　name　is　Ward。　　I'm　a　husband　&　the
father　of　twins；　which　I'm　happy　to　state　thay　look　like　me。
By　perfeshun　I'm　a　exhibiter　of　wax　works　&　sich。〃

〃Good　God！〃　yelled　the　Kurnal；　〃the　idee　of　a　exhibiter　of　wax
figgers　goin　into　the　presents　of　Royalty！　　The　British　Lion
may　well　roar　with　raje　at　the　thawt！〃

Sez　I；　〃Speakin　of　the　British　Lion；　Kurnal；　I'd　like　to　make　a
bargin　with　you　fur　that　beast　fur　a　few　weeks　to　add　to　my
Show。〃　　I　didn't　meen　nothin　by　this。　　I　was　only　gettin　orf　a
goak；　but　you　roter　hev　seen　the　Old　Kurnal　jump　up　&　howl。　　He
actooally　fomed　at　the　mowth。

〃This　can't　be　real；〃　he　showtid。　　〃No；　no。　　It's　a　horrid
dream。　　Sir；　you　air　not　a　human　beinyou　hav　no　existents
yure　a　Myth！〃

〃Wall；〃　sez　I；　〃old　hoss；　yule　find　me　a　ruther　onkomfortable
Myth　ef　you　punch　my　inards　in　that　way　agin。〃　　I　began　to　git
a　little　riled；　fur　when　he　called　me　a　Myth　he　puncht　me　putty
hard。　　The　Kurnal　now　commenst　showtin　fur　the　Seventy　Onesters。
I　at　fust　thawt　I'd　stay　&　becum　a　Marter　to　British　Outraje；
as　sich　a　course　mite　git　my　name　up　&　be　a　good　advertisement
fur　my　Show；　but　it　occurred　to　me　that　ef　enny　of　the　Seventy
Ones