the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第19部分

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fur　my　Show；　but　it　occurred　to　me　that　ef　enny　of　the　Seventy
Onesters　shood　happen　to　insert　a　barronet　into　my　stummick　it
mite　be　onplesunt；　&　I　was　on　the　pint　of　runnin　orf　when　the
Prince　hisself　kum　up　&　axed　me　what　the　matter　was。　　Sez　I；
〃Albert　Edard；　is　that　you？〃　&　he　smilt　&　sed　it　was。　　Sez　I；
〃Albert　Edard；　hears　my　keerd。　　I　cum　to　pay　my　respecks　to
the　futer　King　of　Ingland。　　The　Kurnal　of　the　Seventy　Onesters
hear　is　ruther　smawl　pertaters；　but　of　course　you　ain't　to　blame
fur　that。　　He　puts　on　as　many　airs　as　tho　he　was　the　Bully　Boy
with　the　glass　eye。〃

〃Never　mind；〃　sez　Albert　Edard；　〃I'm　glad　to　see　you；　Mister
Ward；　at　all　events；〃　&　he　tuk　my　hand　so　plesunt　like　&　larfed
so　sweet　that　I　fell　in　love　with　him　to　onct。　　He　handid　me　a
segar　&　we　sot　down　on　the　Pizarro　&　commenst　smokin　rite
cheerful。　　〃Wall；〃　sez　I；　〃Albert　Edard；　how's　the　old　folks？〃

〃Her　Majesty　&　the　Prince　are　well；〃　he　sed。

〃Duz　the　old　man　take　his　Lager　beer　reglar？〃　　I　inquired。

The　Prince　larfed　&　intermatid　that　the　old　man　didn't　let　many
kegs　of　that　bevridge　spile　in　the　sellar　in　the　coarse　of　a
year。　　We　sot　&　tawked　there　sum　time　abowt　matters　&　things；　&
bimeby　I　axed　him　how　he　liked　bein　Prince　as　fur　as　he'd　got。

〃To　speak　plain；　Mister　Ward；〃　he　sed；　〃I　don't　much　like　it。
I'm　sick　of　all　this　bowin　&　scrapin　&　crawlin　&　hurrain　over　a
boy　like　me。　　I　would　rather　go　through　the　country　quietly　&
enjoy　myself　in　my　own　way；　with　the　other　boys；　&　not　be　made
a　Show　of　to　be　garped　at　by　everybody。　　When　the　PEPLE　cheer　me
I　feel　pleesed；　fur　I　know　they　meen　it；　but　if　these　one…horse
offishuls　cood　know　how　I　see　threw　all　their　moves　&　understan
exackly　what　they　air　after；　&　knowd　how　I　larft　at　'em　in
private；　thayd　stop　kissin　my　hands　&　fawnin　over　me　as　thay　now
do。　　But　you　know；　Mr。　Ward；　I　can't　help　bein　a　Prince；　&　I
must　do　all　I　kin　to　fit　myself　fur　the　persishun　I　must　sumtime
ockepy。〃

〃That's　troo；〃　sez　I；　〃sickness　and　the　docters　will　carry　the
Queen　orf　one　of　these　dase；　sure's　yer　born。〃

The　time　hevin　arove　fur　me　to　take　my　departer　I　rose　up　&
sed：　　〃Albert　Edard；　I　must　go；　but　previs　to　doin　so　I　will
obsarve　that　you　soot　me。　　Yure　a　good　feller；　Albert　Edard；　&
tho　I'm　agin　Princes　as　a　gineral　thing；　I　must　say　I　like　the
cut　of　your　Gib。　　When　you　git　to　be　King　try　and　be　as　good　a
man　as　yure　muther　has　bin！　　Be　just　&　be　Jenerus；　espeshully
to　showmen；　who　hav　allers　bin　aboozed　sins　the　dase　of　Noah；
who　was　the　fust　man　to　go　into　the　Menagery　bizniss；　&　ef　the
daily　papers　of　his　time　air　to　be　beleeved　Noah's　colleckshun
of　livin　wild　beests　beet　ennything　ever　seen　sins；　tho　I　make
bold　to　dowt　ef　his　snaiks　was　ahead　of　mine。　　Albert　Edard；
adoo！〃　　I　tuk　his　hand　which　he　shook　warmly；　&　givin　him　a
perpetooal　free　pars　to　my　show；　&　also　parses　to　take　hum　for
the　Queen　&　old　Albert；　I　put　on　my　hat　and　walkt　away。

〃Mrs。　Ward；〃　I　solilerquized；　as　I　walkt　along；　〃Mrs。　Ward；　ef
you　could　see　your　husband　now；　just　as　he　prowdly　emerjis　from
the　presunts　of　the　futur　King　of　Ingland；　you'd　be　sorry　you
called　him　a　Beest　jest　becaws　he　cum　home　tired　1　nite　and
wantid　to　go　to　bed　without　takin　orf　his　boots。　　You'd　be
sorry　for　tryin　to　deprive　yure　husband　of　the　priceliss　Boon
of　liberty；　Betsy　Jane！〃

Jest　then　I　met　a　long　perseshun　of　men　with　gownds　onto　'em。
The　leader　was　on　horseback；　&　ridin　up　to　me　he　sed；　〃Air　you
Orange？〃

Sez　I；　〃Which？〃

〃Air　you　a　Orangeman？〃　he　repeated；　sternly。

〃I　used　to　peddle　lemins；〃　sed　I；　〃but　I　never　delt　in　oranges。
They　are　apt　to　spile　on　yure　hands。　　What　particler　Loonatic
Asylum　hev　you　&　yure　frends　escaped　frum；　ef　I　may　be　so
bold？〃　　Just　then　a　suddent　thawt　struck　me　&　I　sed；　〃Oh　yure
the　fellers　who　air　worryin　the　Prince　so　&　givin　the　Juke　of
Noocastle　cold　sweats　at　nite；　by　yure　infernal　catawalins；　air
you？　　Wall；　take　the　advice　of　a　Amerykin　sitterzen；　take　orf
them　gownds　&　don't　try　to　get　up　a　religious　fite；　which　is　40
times　wuss　nor　a　prize　fite；　over　Albert　Edard；　who　wants　to
receive　you　all　on　a　ekal　footin；　not　keerin　a　tinker's　cuss
what　meetin　house　you　sleep　in　Sundays。　　Go　home　&　mind　yure
bisness　&　not　make　noosenses　of　yourselves。〃　　With　which
observashuns　I　left　'em。

I　shall　leeve　British　sile　4thwith。


1。25。　　PICCOLOMINI。

Gents；I　arroved　in　Cleveland　on　Saturday　P。M。　from
Baldinsville　jest　in　time　to　fix　myself　up　and　put　on　a　clean
biled　rag　to　attend　Miss　Picklehomony's　grate　musical　sorry　at
the　Melodeon。　　The　krowds　which　pored　into　the　hall　augured
well　for　the　show　bizniss；　&　with　cheerful　sperrets　I　jined　the
enthoosiastic　throng。　　I　asked　Mr。　Strakhosh　at　the　door　if　he
parst　the　perfession；　and　he　sed　not　much　he　didn't；　whereupon
I　bawt　a　preserved　seat　in　the　pit；　&　obsarving　to　Mr。
Strakhosh　that　he　needn't　put　on　so　many　French　airs　becawz　he
run　with　a　big　show；　and　that　he'd　better　let　his　weskut　out　a
few　inches　or　perhaps　he'd　bust　hisself　some　fine　day；　I　went
in　and　squatted　down。　　It　was　a　sad　thawt　to　think　that　in　all
that　vast　aujience　Scacely　a　Sole　had　the　honor　of　my
acquaintance。　　〃&　this　ere；〃　sed　I　Bitturly；　〃is　Fame！　　What
sigerfy　my　wax　figgers　and　livin　wild　beasts　（which　have　no
ekels）　to　these　peple？　　What　do　thay　care　becawz　a　site　of　my
Kangeroo　is　worth　dubble　the　price　of　admission；　and　that　my
Snaiks　is　as　harmlis　as　the　new　born　babeall　of　which　is
strictly　troo？〃　　I　should　have　gone　on　ralein　at　Fortin　and
things　sum　more；　but　jest　then　Signer　Maccarony　cum　out　and
sung　a　hairey　from　some　opry　or　other。　　He　had　on　his　store
close　&　looked　putty　slick；　I　must　say。　　Nobody　didn't
understand　nothin　abowt　what　he　sed；　and　so　they　applawdid　him
versiferusly。　　Then　Signer　Brignoly　cum　out　and　sung　another
hairey。　　He　appeared　to　be　in　a　Pensiv　Mood　&　sung　a　Luv　song　I
suppose；　tho　he　may　have　been　cussin　the　aujince　all　into　a
heep　for　aut　I　knewd。　　Then　cum　Mr。　Maccarony　agin　and　Miss
Picklehomony　herself。　　Thay　sang　a　Doit　together。

Now　you　know；　gents；　that　I　don't　admire　opry　music。　　But　I
like　Miss　Picklehomony's　stile。　　I　like　her　gate。　　She　suits
me。　　There　has　bin　grater　singers　and　there　has　bin　more
bootiful　wimin；　but　no　more　fassinatin　young　female　ever　longed
for　a　new　gown；　or　side　to　place　her　hed　agin　a　vest　pattern
than　Maria　Picklehomony。　　Fassinatin　peple　is　her　best　holt。
She　was　born　to　make　hash　of　men's　buzzums　&　other　wimin　mad
becawz　thay　ain't　Picklehomonies。　　Her　face　sparkles　with
amuzin　cussedness　&　about　200　（two　hundred）　little　bit　of　funny
devils　air　continually　dancing　champion　jigs　in　her　eyes；　sed
eyes　bein　brite　enuff　to　lite　a　pipe　by。　　How　I　shood　like　to
have　little　Maria　out　on　my　farm　in　Baldinsville；　Injianny；　whare
she　cood　run　in　the　tall　grass；　wrastle　with　the　boys；　cut　up
strong　at　parin　bees；　make　up　faces　behind　the　minister's　back；
tie　auction　bills　to　the　skoolmaster's　coat…tales；　set　all　the
fellers　crazy　after　her；　&　holler　&　kick　up；　&　go　it　just　as
much　as　she　wanted　to！　　But　I　diegress。　　Every　time　she　cum
canterin　out　I　grew　more　and　more　delighted　with　her。　　When　she
bowed　her　hed　I　bowed　mine。　　When　she　powtid　her　lips　I　powtid
mine。　　When　she　larfed　I　larfed。　　When　she　jerked　her　hed　back
and　took　a　larfin　survey　of　the　aujience；　sendin　a　broadside　of
sassy　smiles　in　among　em；　I　tried　to　unjint　myself　&　kollapse。
When；　in　tellin　how　she　drempt　she　lived　in　Marble　Halls；　she
sed　it　tickled　her　more　than　all　the　rest　to　dream　she　loved
her　feller　still　the　same；　I　made　a　effort　to　swaller　myself；
but　when；　in　the　next　song；　she　look　strate　at　me　&　called　me
her　Dear；　I　wildly　told　the　man　next　to　me　he　mite　hav　my　close；
as　I　shood　never　want　'em　again　no　more　in　this　world。　　＇The
〃Plain　Dealer〃　（The　Cleveland　〃Plain　Dealer；〃　a　well…known
Ohio　newspaper；　to　which　Mr。　Artemus　Ward　wishes　us　to
understand　he　contributed。）　containin　this　communicashun　is
not　to　be　sent　to　my　famerly　in　Baldinsville　under　no
circumstances　whatsomever。＇

In　conclushun；　Maria；　I　want　you　to　do　well。　　I　know　you　air　a
nice　gal　at　hart　&　you　must　get　a　good　husband。　　He　must　be　a　man
of　branes　and　gumpshun　&　a　good　providera　man　who　will　luv　you
strong　and　longa　man　who　will　luv　you　jest　as　much　in　your　old
age；　when　your　voice　is　cracked　like　an　old　tea　kittle　&　you　can't
get　1　of　your　notes　discounted　at　50　per　sent　a　month；　as　he　will
now；　when　you　are　young　&　charmin　&　full　of　music；　sunshine　&　fun。
Don't　marry　a　snob；　Maria。　　You　ain't　a　Angel；　Maria；　&　I　am　glad
of　it。　　When　I　see　angels　in　pettycoats　I'm　always　sorry　they
hain't　got　wings　so　they　kin　quietly　fly　off　whare　thay　will　be
appreshiated。　　You　air　a　woman；　&　a　mity　good　one　too。　　As　for
Maccarony；　Brignoly；　Mullenholler；　and　them　other　fellers；　they　can
take　care　of　theirselves。　　Old　Mac。　kin　make　a　comfortable　livin
choppin　cord　wood　if　his　voice　ever　givs　out；　and　Amodio　looks　as
tho　he　mite　succeed　in　conductin　sum　quiet　toll　gate；　whare　the
vittles　would　be　plenty　&　the　labor　lite。

I　am　preparin　for　the　Summer　Campane。　　I　shall　stay　in　Cleveland　a
few　days　and　probly　you　will　hear　from　me　again　ear　I　leave　to　once
more　becum　a　tosser　on　life's　tempestuous　billers；　meanin　the　Show
Bizniss。Very　Respectively　Yours；

Artemus　Ward。


1。26。　　LITTLE　PATTI。

The　moosic　which　Ime　most　use　to　is　the　inspirin　stranes　of　the
hand　orgin。　I　hire　a　artistic　Italyun　to　grind　fur　me；　payin　him
his　vittles　&　close；　&　I　spose　it　was　them　stranes　which　fust　put　a
moosical　taste　into　me。　　Like　all　furriners；　he　had　seen　better
dase；　havin　formerly　been　a　Kount。　　But　he　aint　of　much　akount　now；
except　to　turn　the　orgin　and　drink　Beer；　of　which　bevrige　he　can
hold　a　churnful；　EASY。

Miss　Patty　is　small　for　her　size；　but　as　the　man　sed　abowt　his
wife；　O　Lord！　　She　is　well　bilt　&　her　complexion　is　what　might　be
called　a　Broonetty。　　Her　ize　is　a　dark　bay；　the　lashes　bein　long　&
silky。　　When　she　smiles　the　awjince　feels　like　axing　her　to　doo　it
sum　moor；　&　to　continner　doin　it　2　a　indefnit　extent。　　Her　waste　is
one　of　the　most　bootiful　wastisis　ever　seen。　　When　Mister
Strackhorse　led　her　out