the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第27部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


disgusting　smells　in　a　distance　of　two　blocks。　　Monsieur　Revierre；
with　nothing　but　a　small　name　and　a　large　quantity　of　hair；　makes
himself　exceedingly　popular　with　hotel…keepers　and　a　numerous
progeny　of　female　Flaunts　and　Blounts；　while　Felix　Smooth　and　Mr。
Chink；　who　persistently　set　forth　their　personal　and　more
substantial　marital　charms　through　the　columns　of　〃New　York　Herald；〃
have　only　received　one　interview　eachone　from　a　man　in　female
attire；　and　the　other　from　the　keeper　of　an　unmentionable　house。
Popularity　is　a　queer　thing；　very。　　If　you　don't　believe　us；　try　it！


1。40。　　A　LITTLE　DIFFICULTY　IN　THE　WAY。

An　enterprising　traveling　agent　for　a　well…known　Cleveland　Tombstone
Manufactory　lately　made　a　business　visit　to　a　small　town　in　an
adjoining　county。　　Hearing；　in　the　village；　that　a　man　in　a　remote
part　of　the　township　had　lost　his　wife；　he　thought　he　would　go　and
see　him；　and　offer　him　consolation　and　a　gravestone；　on　his　usual
reasonable　terms。　　He　started。　　The　road　was　a　frightful　one；　but
the　agent　persevered；　and　finally　arrived　at　the　bereaved　man's
house。　　Bereaved　man's　hired　girl　told　the　agent　that　the　bereaved
man　was　splitting　fence　rails　〃over　in　pastur；　about　two　milds。〃
The　indefatigable　agent　hitched　his　horse　and　started　for　the
〃pastur。〃　　After　falling　into　all　manner　of　mudholes；　scratching
himself　with　briers；　and　tumbling　over　decayed　logs；　the　agent　at
length　found　the　bereaved　man。　　In　a　subdued　voice　he　asked　the　man
if　he　had　lost　his　wife。　　The　man　said　he　had。　　The　agent　was　very
sorry　to　hear　of　it；　and　sympathized　with　the　man　deeply　in　his
great　affliction；　but　death；　he　said；　was　an　insatiate　archer；　and
shot　down　all；　both　of　high　and　low　degree。　　Informed　the　man　that
〃what　was　his　loss　was　her　gain；〃　and　would　be　glad　to　sell　him　a
gravestone　to　mark　the　spot　where　the　beloved　one　sleptmarble　or
common　stone；　as　he　chose；　at　prices　defying　competition。　　The
bereaved　man　said　there　was　〃a　little　difficulty　in　the　way。〃

〃Haven't　you　lost　your　wife？〃　inquired　the　agent。

〃Why；　yes；　I　have；〃　said　the　man；　〃but　no　gravestun　ain't　necessary：
you　see　the　cussed　critter　ain't　dead。　　SHE'S　SCOOTED　WITH　ANOTHER
MAN！〃

The　agent　retired。


1。41。　　COLORED　PEOPLE'S　CHURCH。

There　is　a　plain　little　meeting…house　on　Barnwell　Street　（One　of　the
streets　of　the　city　of　Cleveland。）　in　which　the　colored　peopleor　a
goodly　portion　of　themworship　on　Sundays。　　The　seats　are
cushionless；　and　have　perpendicular　backs。　　The　pulpit　is　plain
whitetrimmed　with　red；　it　is　true；　but　still　a　very　unostentatious
affair　for　colored　people；　who　are　supposed　to　have　a　decided
weakness　for　gay　hues。　　Should　you　escort　a　lady　to　this　church；　and
seat　yourself　beside　her；　you　will　infallibly　be　touched　on　the
shoulder；　and　politely　requested　to　move　to　the　〃gentlemen's　side。〃
Gentlemen　and　ladies　are　not　allowed　to　sit　together　in　this　church。
They　are　parted　remorselessly。　　It　is　hardwe　may　say　it　is
terribleto　be　torn　asunder　in　this　way；　but　you　have　to　submit；
and　of　course　you　had　better　do　so　gracefully　and　pleasantly。

Meeting　opens　with　an　old…fashioned　hymn；　which　is　very　well　sung
indeed　by　the　congregation。　　Then　the　minister　reads　a　hymn；　which
is　sung　by　the　choir　on　the　front　seats　near　the　pulpit。　　Then　the
minister　prays。　　He　hopes　no　one　has　been　attracted　there　by　idle
curiosityto　see　or　be　seenand　you　naturally　conclude　that　he　is
gently　hitting　you。　　Another　hymn　follows　the　prayer；　and　then　we
have　the　discourse；　which　certainly　has　the　merit　of　peculiarity　and
boldness。　　The　minister's　name　is　Jones。　　He　don't　mince　matters　at
all。　　He　talks　about　the　〃flames　of　hell〃　with　a　confident
fierceness　that　must　be　quite　refreshing　to　sinners。

〃There's　no　half…way　about　this；〃　says　he；　〃no　by…paths。

〃There　are　in　Cleveland　lots　of　men　who　go　to　church　regularly；　who
behave　well　in　meeting；　and　who　pay　their　bills。

〃They　ain't　Christians　though。

〃They're　gentlemen　sinners。

〃And　whar　d'ye　spose　they'll　fetch　up？

〃I'll　tell　yethey'll　fetch　him　up　in　hll；　and　they'll　come　up
standing　toothere's　where　they'll　fetch　up。

〃Who's　my　backer？

〃Have　I　got　a　backer？

〃Whar's　my　backer？

〃This　is　my　backer　（striking　the　Bible　before　him）the　Bible　will
back　me　to　any　amount！〃

To　still　further　convince　his　hearers　that　he　was　in　earnest；　he
exclaimed；　〃That's　methat's　Jones！〃

He　alluded　to　Eve　in　terms　of　bitter　censure。　　It　was　natural　that
Adam　should　have　been　mad　at　her。　　〃I　shouldn't　want　a　woman　that
wouldn't　mind　me；　myself；〃　said　the　speaker。

He　directed　his　attention　to　dancing；　declaring　it　to　be　a　great
sin。　　Whar　there's　dancing　there's　fiddlingwhar　there's　fiddling
there's　unrighteousness；　and　unrighteousness　is　wickedness；　and
wickedness　is　sin！　　That's　methat's　Jones。〃

Bosom　the　speaker　invariably　called　〃buzzim；〃　and　devil　〃debil；〃
with　a　fearfully　strong　accent　on　the　〃il。〃


1。42。　　SPIRITS。

Mr。　Davenport　（One　of　the　afterwards　notorious　Davenport　Brothers。）；
who　has　been　for　some　time　closely　identified　with　the　modern
spiritual　movement；　is　in　the　city　with　his　daughter；　who　is　quite
celebrated　as　a　medium。　　They　are　accompanied　by　Mr。　Eighme　and　his
daughter；　and　are　holding　circles　in　Hoffman's　Block　every　afternoon
and　evening。　　We　were　present　at　the　circle　last　evening。　　Miss
Davenport　seated　herself　at　a　table　on　which　was　a　tin　trumpet；　a
tambourine；　and　a　guitar。　　The　audience　were　seated　around　the　room。
The　lights　were　blown　out；　and　the　spirit　of　an　eccentric
individual；　well　known　to　the　Davenports；　and　whom　they　call　George；
addressed　the　audience　through　the　trumpet。　　He　called　several　of
those　present　by　name　in　a　boisterous　voice；　and　dealt　several
stunning　knocks　on　the　table。　　George　has　been　in　the　spirit…world
some　two　hundred　years。　　He　is　a　rather　rough　spirit；　and　probably
run　with　the　machine　and　〃killed　for　Kyser〃　when　in　the　flesh。
（Kyser　is　an　extensive　New　York　butcher；　and　〃to　kill〃　＇or
slaughter＇　for　him　has　passed　into　a　saying　with　the　roughs；　or
〃bhoys；〃　of　New　York。　　To　〃run　with　a　＇fire＇　machine。〃）　　He　ordered
the　seats　in　the　room　to　be　wheeled　round　so　the　audience　would　face
the　table。　　He　said　the　people　on　the　front　seat　must　be　tied　with　a
rope。　　The　order　was　misunderstood；　the　rope　being　merely　drawn
before　those　on　the　front　seat。　　He　reprimanded　Mr。　Davenport　for
not　understanding　the　instructions。　　What　he　meant　was　that　the　rope
should　be　passed　around　each　person　on　the　front　seat　and　then
tightly　drawn；　a　man　at　each　end　of　the　seat　to　hold　on　to　it。　　This
was　done；　and　George　expressed　himself　satisfied。　　There　was　no　one
near　the　table　save　the　medium。　　All　the　rest　were　behind　the　rope；
and　those　on　the　front　seat　were　particularly　charged　not　to　let　any
one　pass　by　them。　　George　said　he　felt　first…rate；　and　commenced
kissing　the　ladies　present。　　The　smack　could　be　distinctly　heard；
and　some　of　the　ladies　said　the　sensation　was　very　natural。　　For　the
first　time　in　our　eventful　life　we　sighed　to　be　a　spirit。　We　envied
George。　　We　did　not　understand　whether　the　kissing　was　done　through
a　trumpet。　　After　kissing　considerably；　and　indulging　in　some
playful　remarks　with　a　man　whose　Christian　name　was　Napoleon
Bonaparte；　and　whom　George　called　〃Boney；〃　he　tied　the　hands　and
feet　of　the　medium。　　He　played　the　guitar　and　jingled　the
tambourine；　and　then　dashed　them　violently　on　the　floor。　　The
candles　were　lit；　and　Miss　Davenport　was　securely　tied。　　She　could
not　move　her　hands。　　Her　feet　were　bound；　and　the　rope　（which　was　a
long　one）　was　fastened　to　the　chair。　　No　person　in　the　room　had　been
near　her　or　had　anything　to　do　with　tying　her。　　Every　person　who　was
in　the　room　will　take　his　or　her　oath　of　that。　　She　could　hardly
have　tied　herself。　　We　never　saw　such　intricate　and　thorough　tying
in　our　life。　　The　believers　present　were　convinced　that　George　did
it。　　The　unbelievers　didn't　exactly　know　what　to　think　about　it。
The　candles　were　extinguished　again；　and　pretty　soon　Miss　Davenport
told　George　to　〃don't。〃　　She　spoke　in　an　affrighted　tone。　　The
candles　were　lit；　and　she　was　discovered　sitting　on　the　tablehands
and　feet　tied　as　before；　and　herself　tied　to　the　chair　withal。　　The
lights　were　again　blown　out；　there　were　sounds　as　if　some　one　was
lifting　her　from　the　table；　the　candles　were　relit；　and　she　was　seen
sitting　in　the　chair　on　the　floor　again。　　No　one　had　been　near　her
from　the　audience。　　Again　the　lights　were　extinguished；　and
presently　the　medium　said　her　feet　were　wet。　　It　appeared　that　the
mischievous　spirit　of　one　Biddie；　an　Irish　Miss　who　died　when　twelve
years　old；　had　kicked　over　the　water…pail。　　Miss　Eighme　took　a　seat
at　the　table；　and　the　same　mischievous　Biddie　scissored　off　a　liberal
lock　of　her　hair。　　There　was　the　hair；　and　it　had　indisputably　just
been　taken　from　Miss　Eighme's　head；　and　her　hands　and　feet；　like
those　of　Miss　D。；　were　securely　tied。　　Other　things　of　a　staggering
character　to　the　sceptic　were　done　during　the　evening。


1。43。　　MR。　BLOWHARD。

The　reader　has　probably　met　Mr。　Blowhard。　　He　is　usually　round。　　You
find　him　in　all　public　places。　　He　is　particularly　〃numerous〃　at
shows。　　Knows　all　the　actors　intimately。　　Went　to　school　with　some
of　'em。　　Knows　how　much　they　get　a　month　to　a　cent；　and　how　much
liquor　they　can　hold　to　a　teaspoonful。　　He　knows　Ned　Forrest　like　a
book。　　Has　taken　sundry　drinks　with　Ned。　　Ned　likes　him　much。　　Is
well　acquainted　with　a　certain　actress。　Could　have　married　her　just
as　easy　as　not　if　he　had　wanted　to。　　Didn't　like　her　〃style；〃　and　so
concluded　not　to　marry　her。　　Knows　Dan　Rice　well。　Knows　all　of　his
men　and　horses。　　Is　on　terms　of　affectionate　intimacy　with　Dan's
rhinoceros；　and　is　tolerably　well　acquainted　with　the　performing
elephant。　　We　encountered　Mr。　Blowhard　at　the　circus　yesterday。　　He
was　entertaining　those　near　him　with　a　full　account　of　the　whole
institution；　men；　boys；　horses；　〃muils〃　and　all。　　He　said　the
rhinoceros　was　perfectly　harmless；　as　his　teeth　had　all　been　taken
out　in　infancy。　　Besides；　the　rhinoceros　was　under　the　influence　of
opium　while　he　was　in　the　ring；　which　entire