the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第28部分

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out　in　infancy。　　Besides；　the　rhinoceros　was　under　the　influence　of
opium　while　he　was　in　the　ring；　which　entirely　prevented　his
injuring　anybody。　　No　danger　whatever。　　In　due　course　of　time　the
amiable　beast　was　led　into　the　ring。　　When　the　cord　was　taken　from
his　nose；　he　turned　suddenly　and　manifested　a　slight　desire　to　run
violently　in　among　some　boys　who　were　seated　near　the　musicians。
The　keeper；　with　the　assistance　of　one　of　the　Bedouin　Arabs；　soon
induced　him　to　change　his　mind；　and　got　him　in　the　middle　of　the
ring。　　The　pleasant　quadruped　had　no　sooner　arrived　here　than　he
hastily　started；　with　a　melodious　bellow；　towards　the　seats　on　one
of　which　sat　Mr。　Blowhard。　　Each　particular　hair　on　Mr。　Blowhard's
head　stood　up　〃like　squills　upon　the　speckled　porkupine〃　（Shakspeare
or　Artemus　Ward；　we　forget　which）；　and　he　fell；　with　a　small　shriek；
down　through　the　seats　to　the　ground。　　He　remained　there　until　the
agitated　rhinoceros　became　calm；　when　he　crawled　slowly　back　to　his
seat。

〃Keep　mum；〃　he　said；　with　a　very　wise　shake　of　the　head　〃I　only
wanted　to　have　some　fun　with　them　folks　above　us。　　I　swar；　I'll　bet
the　whisky　they　thought　I　was　scared！〃　　Great　character　that
Blowhard。


1。44。　　MARKET　MORNING。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃Hurrah！　this　is　market　day；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Up；　lads；　and　gaily　away！〃Old　Comedy。

On　market　mornings　there　is　a　roar　and　a　crash　all　about　the　corner
of　Kinsman　and　Pittsburg　Streets。　　The　market　buildingso　called；
we　presume；　because　it　don't　in　the　least　resemble　a　market
buildingis　crowded　with　beef　and　butchers；　and　almost　countless
meat　and　vegetable　wagons；　of　all　sorts；　are　confusedly　huddled
together　all　around　outside。　　These　wagons　mostly　come　from　a　few
miles　out　of　town；　and　are　always　on　the　spot　at　daybreak。　　A　little
after　sunrise　the　crash　and　jam　commences；　and　continues　with　little
cessation　until　ten　o'clock　in　the　forenoon。　　There　is　a　babel　of
tongues；　an　excessively　cosmopolitan　gathering　of　people；　a　roar　of
wheels；　and　a　lively　smell　of　beef　and　vegetables。　　The　soap　man；
the　headache　curative　man；　the　razor　man；　and　a　variety　of　other
tolerable　humbugs；　are　in　full　blast。　　We　meet　married　men　with
baskets　in　their　hands。　　Those　who　have　been　fortunate　in　their
selections　look　happy；　while　some　who　have　been　unlucky　wear　a
dejected　air；　for　they　are　probably　destined　to　get　pieces　of　their
wives'　minds　on　their　arrival　home。　　It　is　true；　that　all　married
men　have　their　own　way；　but　the　trouble　is　they　don't　all　have　their
own　way　of　having　it！　　We　meet　a　newly…married　man。　　He　has　recently
set　up　housekeeping。　　He　is　out　to　buy　steak　for　breakfast。　　There
are　only　himself　and　wife　and　female　domestic　in　the　family。　　He
shows　us　his　basket；　which　contains　steak　enough　for　at　least　ten
able…bodied　men。　　We　tell　him　so；　but　he　says　we　don't　know　anything
about　war；　and　passes　on。　　Here　comes　a　lady　of　high　degree；　who　has
no　end　of　servants　to　send　to　the　market；　but　she　likes　to　come
herself；　and　it　won't　prevent　her　shining　and　sparkling　in　her
elegant　drawing…room　this　afternoon。　　And　she　is　accumulating　muscle
and　freshness　of　face　by　these　walks　to　market。

And　here　IS　a　charming　picture。　　Standing　beside　a　vegetable　cart　is
a　maiden　beautiful　and　sweeter　far　than　any　daisy　in　the　fields。
Eyes　of　purest　blue；　lips　of　cherry　red；　teeth　like　pearls；　silken；
golden　hair；　and　form　of　exquisite　mould。　　We　wonder　if　she　is　a
fairy；　but　instantly　conclude　that　she　is　not；　for　in　measuring　out
a　peck　of　onions　she　spills　some　of　them；　a　small　boy　laughs　at　the
mishap；　and　she　indignantly　shies　the　measure　at　his　head。　　Fairies；
you　know；　don't　throw　peck　measures　at　small　boys'　heads。　　The　spell
was　broken。　　The　golden　chain　which　for　a　moment　bound　us　fell　to
pieces。　　We　meet　an　eccentric　individual　in　corduroy　pantaloons　and
pepper…and…salt　coat；　who　wants　to　know　if　we　didn't　sail　out　of
Nantucket　in　1852　in　the　whaling　brig　〃Jasper　Green。〃　　We　are
compelled　to　confess　that　the　only　nautical　experience　we　ever　had
was　to　once　temporarily　command　a　canal　boat　on　the　dark…rolling
Wabash；　while　the　captain　went　ashore　to　cave　in　the　head　of　a
miscreant　who　had　winked　lasciviously　at　the　sylph　who　superintended
the　culinary　department　on　board　that　gallant　craft。　　The　eccentric
individual　smiles　in　a　ghastly　manner；　says　perhaps　we　won't　lend
him　a　dollar　till　tomorrow；　to　which　we　courteously　reply　that　we
CERTAINLY　won't；　and　he　glides　away。

We　return　to　our　hotel；　reinvigorated　with　the　early；　healthful
jaunt；　and　bestow　an　imaginary　purse　of　gold　upon　our　African
Brother；　who　brings　us　a　hot　and　excellent　breakfast。


1。45。　　WE　SEE　TWO　WITCHES。

Two　female　fortune…tellers　recently　came　hither；　and　spread　〃small
bills〃　throughout　the　city。　　Being　slightly　anxious；　in　common　with
a　wide　circle　of　relatives　and　friends；　to　know　where　we　were　going
to；　and　what　was　to　become　of　us；　we　visited　both　of　these　eminently
respectable　witches　yesterday　and　had　our　fortune　told　〃twict。〃
Physicians　sometimes　disagree；　lawyers　invariably　do；　editors
occasionally　fall　out；　and　we　are　pained　to　say　that　even　witches
unfold　different　tales　to　one　individual。　　In　describing　our
interviews　with　these　singularly　gifted　female　women；　who　are
actually　and　positively　here　in　this　city；　we　must　speak
considerably　of　〃we〃not　because　we　flatter　ourselves　that　we　are
more　interesting　than　people　in　general；　but　because　in　the　present
case　it　is　really　necessary。　In　the　language　of　Hamlet's　Pa；　〃List；
O　list！〃

We　went　to　see　〃Madame　B。〃　first。　　She　has　rooms　at　the　Burnett
House。　　The　following　is　a　copy　of　her　bill：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　MADAME　B。；

　　　　　　　　　THE　CELEBRATED　SPANISH　ASTROLOGIST；　CLAIRVOYANT
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　AND　FEMALE　DOCTRESS；

　Would　respectfully　announce　to　the　citizens　that　she　has　just
　arrived　in　this　city；　and　designs　remaining　for　a　few　days　only。

　The　Madame　can　be　consulted　on　all　matters　pertaining　to　life
　either　past；　present；　or　futuretracing　the　line　of　life　from
　Infancy　to　Old　Age；　particularizing　each　event；　in　regard　to

　　Business；　Love；　Marriage；　Courtship；　Losses；　Law　Matters；　and
　　　　　　Sickness　of　Relatives　and　Friends　at　a　distance。

　The　Madame　will　also　show　her　visitors　a　life…like　representation
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　of　their　Future　Husbands　and　Wives。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　LUCKY　NUMBERS　IN　LOTTERIES

　Can　also　be　selected　by　her；　and　hundreds　who　have　consulted　her
　have　drawn　capital　prizes。　　The　Madame　will　furnish　medicine　for
　all　diseases；　for　grown　persons　（male　or　female）　and　children。

　Persons　wishing　to　consult　her　concerning　this　mysterious　art　and
　human　destiny；　particularly　with　reference　to　their　own　individual
bearing　in　relation　to　a　supposed　Providence；　can　be　accommodated　by

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　ROOM　NO。　23；　BURNETT　HOUSE；

　　　　　　　　　　Corner　of　Prospect　and　Ontario　streets；　Cleveland。

The　Madame　has　traveled　extensively　for　the　last　few　years；　both　in
the　United　States　and　the　West　Indies；　and　the　success　which　has
attended　her　in　all　places　has　won　for　her　the　reputation　of　being
the　most　wonderful　Astrologist　of　the　present　age。

The　Madame　has　a　superior　faculty　for　this　business；　having　been
born　with　a　Caul　on　her　Face；　by　virtue　of　which　she　can　more
accurately　read　the　past；　present；　and　future；　also　enabling　her　to
cure　many　diseases　without　using　drugs　or　medicines。　　The　madame
advertises　nothing　but　what　she　can　do。　　Call　on　her　if　you　would
consult　the　greatest　Foreteller　of　events　now　living。

　　　　　　　　Hours　of　Consultation；　from　8　A。M。　to　9　o'clock　P。M。

We　urbanely　informed　the　lady　with　the　〃Caul　on　her　Face〃　that　we
had　called　to　have　our　fortune　told；　and　she　said；　〃Hand　out　your
money。〃　　This　preliminary　being　settled；　Madame　B。　（who　is　a　tall；
sharp…eyed；　dark…featured　and　angular　woman；　dressed　in　painfully
positive　colors；　and　heavily　loaded　with　gold　chain　and　mammoth
jewelry　of　various　kinds）　and　Jupiter　indicated　powerful　that　we
were　a　slim　constitution；　which　came　down　on　to　us　from　our　father's
side。　　Wherein　our　constitution　was　not　slim；　so　it　came　down　on　to
us　from　our　mother's　side。

〃Is　this　so？〃

And　we　said　it　was。

〃Yes；〃　continued　the　witch；　〃I　know'd　'twas。　　You　can't　deceive
Jupiter；　me；　nor　any　other　planick。　　You　may　swim　same　as　Leander
did；　but　you　can't　deceive　the　planicks。　　Give　me　your　hand！　　Times
ain't　so　easy　as　they　has　been。　　Sosobut　'tis　temp'ry。　　'Twon't
last　long。　　Times　will　be　easy　soon。　　You　may　be　tramped　on　to　onct
or　twict；　but　you'll　rekiver。　　You　have　talenk；　me　child。　　You　kin
make　a　Congresser　if　sich　you　likes　to　be。　＇We　said　we　would　be
excused；　if　it　was　all　the　same　to　her。＇　　You　kin　be　a　lawyer。　　＇We
thanked　her；　but　said　we　would　rather　retain　our　present　good　moral
character。＇　　You　kin　be　a　soldier。　　You　have　courage　enough　to　go　to
the　Hostrian　wars　and　kill　the　French。　　＇We　informed　her　that　we　had
already　murdered　some　〃English。〃＇　　You　won't　have　much　money　till
you're　thirty…three　years　of　old。　　Then　you　will　have　large　sums
forty　thousand　dollars；　perhaps。　　Look　out　for　it！　　＇We　promised　we
would。＇　　You　have　traveled　some；　and　you　will　travel　more；　which
will　make　your　travels　more　extensiver　than　they　has　been。　　You　will
go　to　Californy　by　way　of　Pike's　Pick。　　＇Same　route　taken　by　Horace
Greeley。＇　　If　nothin　happens　onto　you；　you　won't　meet　with　no
accidents　and　will　get　through　pleasant；　which　you　otherwise　will
not　do　under　all　circumstances　however；　which　doth　happen　to　all；
both　great　and　small；　likewise　to　the　rich　as　also　the　poor。
Hearken　to　me！　　There　has　been　deaths　in　your　family；　and　there　will
be　more！　　But　Reserve　your　constitution　and　you　will　live　to　be
seventy　years　of　old。　　Me　child；　HER　hair　will　be　blackblack　as
the　Raving's　wing。　　Likewise　black　will　also　be　her　eyes；　and　she'll
be　as　different　from　which　you　air　as　night　and　day。　　Look　out　for
the　darkish　man！　　He's　yer　rival！　　Beware　of　the　darkish　man！　　＇We
promised　that　we'd　introduce　a　funeral　into　the　〃darkish　man's〃
family　the　moment　we　encountered　him。＇　　Me　child；　there's　more
sunshine　than　clouds　for　ye；　and　send　all