the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第32部分

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repudiating　the　contract。　　〃Won't　you　go　away　now；　Susan；　peaceful？〃
said　the　newly…married　man；　softening　his　voice。

〃No；〃　said　she；　〃I　won'tso　there！〃

〃Don't　you　budge　an　inch！〃　cried　the　married　sister　within　the　room。

〃Nownow；　Maria；〃　said　the　young　man　to　his　wife；　in　a　piteous
tone；　〃don't　go　for　to　cuttin'　up　in　this　way；　now　don't！〃

〃I'll　cut　up's　much　I　wanter！〃　she　sharply　replied。

〃Well；〃　roared　the　desperate　man；　throwing　the　door　wide　open　and
stalking　out　among　the　crowd；　〃well；　jest　you　two　wimin　put　on　your
duds　and　go　right　straight　home　and　bring　back　the　old　man　and
woman；　and　your　grandfather；　who　is　nigh　on　to　a　hundred；　bring　'em
all　here；　AND　I'LL　MARRY　THE　WHOLE　DD　CABOODLE　OF　'EM　AND　WE'LL
ALL　SLEEP　TOGETHER！〃

The　difficulty　was　finally　adjusted　by　the　tall　female　taking　a　room
alone。　Wellsville　is　enjoying　itself　over　the　〃sensation。〃


1。58。　　A　COLORED　MAN　OF　THE　NAME　OF　JEFFRIES。

One　beautiful　day　last　August；　Mr。　Elmer　of　East　Cleveland；　sent　his
hired　colored　man；　of　the　name　of　Jeffries；　to　town　with　a　two…horse
wagon　to　get　a　load　of　lime。　　Mr。　Elmer　gave　Jeffries　5　dollars　with
which　to　pay　for　the　lime。　　The　horses　were　excellent　ones；　by　the
way；　nicely　matched；　and　more　than　commonly　fast。　　The　colored　man
of　the　name　of　Jeffries　came　to　town　and　drove　to　the　Johnson　Street
Station　where　he　encountered　a　frail　young　woman　of　the　name　of
Jenkins；　who　had　just　been　released　from　jail；　where　she　had　been
confined　for　naughtical　conduct　（drugging　and　robbing　a　sailor）。
〃Will　you　fly　with　me；　adorable　Jenkins？〃　he　unto　her　did　say；　〃or
words　to　that　effect；〃　and　unto　him　in　reply　she　did　up　and　say：
〃My　African　brother；　I　will。　　Spirit；〃　she　continued；　alluding　to　a
stone　jug　under　the　seat　in　the　wagon；　〃I　follow！〃　　Then　into　the
two…horse　wagon　this　fair　maiden　got　and　knavely　telling　the
〃perlice；〃　to　embark　by　the　first　packet　for　an　unromantic　land
where　the　climate　is　intensely　tropical；　and　where　even　Laplanders；
who　like　fire；　get　more　of　a　good　thing　than　they　wantdoing　and
saying　thus　the　woman　of　the　name　of　Jenkins　mounted　the　seat　with
the　colored　man　of　the　sweet　name　of　Jeffries；　and　so　these　two
sweet；　gushing　children　of　nature　rode　gaily　away。　　Away　towards　the
setting　sun。　　Away　towards　Indianabright　land　of　cheap　whisky　and
corn　doin's！


1。59。　　NAMES。

Any　name　which　is　suggestive　of　a　joke；　however　poor　the　joke　may
be；　is　often　a　nuisance。　　We　were　once　〃confined〃　in　a　printing…
office　with　a　man　named　Snow。　　Everybody　who　came　in　was　bound　to
have　a　joke　about　Snow。　　If　it　was　Summer　the　mad　wags　would　say　we
ought　to　be　cold；　for　we　had　Snow　there　all　the　timewhich　was　a
fact；　though　we　sometimes　wished　Snow　was　where　he　would　speedily
melt。　　Not　that　we　didn't　like　Snow。　　Far　from　it。　　His　name　was
what　disgusted　us。　　It　was　also　once　our　misfortune　to　daily　mingle
with　a　man　named　Berry；　we　can't　tell　how　many　million　times　we
heard　him　called　Elderberry；　Raspberry；　Blueberry；　Huckleberry；
Gooseberry；　&c。　　The　thing　nearly　made　him　deranged。　　He　joined　the
filibusters　and　has　made　energetic　efforts　to　get　shot　but　had　not
succeeded　at　last　accounts；　although　we　hear　he　has　been　〃slewd〃
numerously。　　There　is　a　good　deal　in　a　name；　our　usually　correct
friend　W。　Shakespeare　to　the　contrary　notwithstanding。

Our　own　name　is；　unfortunately；　one　on　which　jokes；　such　as　they
are；　can　be　made；　we　cannot　present　a　tabular　statement　of　the　times
we　have　done　things　brown　（in　the　opinion　of　partial　friends）　or
have　been　asked　if　we　were　related　to　the　eccentric　old　slave　and
horse　〃liberator；〃　whose　recent　Virginia　Reel　has　attracted　so　much
of　the　public　attention。　　Could　we　do　so　the　array　of　figures　would
be　appalling。　　And　sometimes　we　think　we　will　accept　the　first　good
offer　of　marriage　that　is　made　to　us；　for　the　purpose　of　changing
our　unhappy　name；　setting　other　interesting　considerations　entirely
aside。


1。60。　　HE　FOUND　HE　WOULD。

Several　years　ago　Bill　McCracken　lived　in　Peru；　Indiana。　　（We　were
in　Peru　several　years　ago；　and　it　was　a　nice　place　we　DON'T　think。）
Mr。　McCracken　was　a　screamer；　and　had　whipped　all　the　recognized
fighting　men　on　the　Wabash。　　One　day　somebody　told　him　that　Jack
Long；　blacksmith　of　Logansport；　said　he　would　give　him　（McCracken）　a
protracted　fit　of　sickness　if　he　would　just　come　down　there　and
smell　of　his　bones。　　The　McCracken　at　once　laid　in　a　stock　of
provisions；　consisting　of　whisky　in　glass　and　chickens　in　the　shell；
and　started　for　Logansport。　　In　a　few　days；　he　was　brought　home　in　a
bunged…up　condition；　on　a　cot…bed。　　One　eye　was　gouged　out；　a
portion　of　his　nose　was　chawed　off；　his　left　arm　was　in　a　sling；　his
head　was　done　up　in　an　old　rag；　and　he　was　pretty　badly　off　himself。
He　was　set　down　in　the　village　bar…room；　and　turning　to　the　crowd
he；　in　a　feeble　voice；　said；　hot　tears　bedewing　his　face　the　while；
〃Boys；　you　know　Jack　Long　said　if　I'd　come　down　to　Loginsput　he'd
whale　hll　out　of　me；　and　boys；　you　know　I　didn't　believe　it；　but
I've　been　down　thar　and　I　FOUND　HE　WOULD。〃

He　recovered　after　a　lapse　of　years　and　led　a　better　life。　　As　he
said　himself；　he　returned　from　Logansport　a　changed　man。


1。61。　　〃BURIAL　IN　RICHMOND　AND　RESURRECTION　IN　BOSTON。〃

A　drama　with　this　title；　written　by　a　colored　citizen　（an　artist　by
profession）；　the　characters　being　performed　by　colored　citizens；　was
played　at　the　Melodeon　last　evening。　　There　were　several　white
persons　present；　though　most　of　the　audience　were　colored。　　The
great　variety　of　colors　made　a　gay；　and　indeed　we　may　say　gorgeous
spectacle。

A　hasty　sketch　of　this　great　moral　production　may　not　be
uninteresting。　　Act　1st；　scene　1st；　discloses　a　log…cabin；　with
fifteen　minutes'　intermission　between　each　log。　　〃William；　a
spirited　slave；〃　and　〃John；　the　obedient　slave；〃　are　in　the　cabin。
William；　the　spirited　slave；　says　he　will　be　free；　〃Why；〃　says
William；　〃am　I　here　thus？　　Was　this　frame　made　to　be　in　bondage？
Shall　THESE　voices　be　hushed？　　Never；　never；　never！〃　　〃Oh；　don't　say
it　thus；〃　says　John；　the　obedient　slave；　〃for　thus　it　should　not　be。
An'　I　tole　ye　what　it　was；　now；　jes　take　keer　of　them　pistiles　or
they'll　work　yer　ruins。　　Mind　what　I　say；　Wilyim。　　As　for　me　I　shall
stay　here　with　my　dear　Julia！〃　　（Immense　applause）。　　〃And　so　it　has
come　to　this；　ha？〃　said　William；　the　spirited　slave；　standing
himself　up　and　brandishing　his　arms　in　a　terrific　manner。　　〃And　so
it　has　come　to　this；　ha？　　And　this　is　a　free　land；　so　it　has　come　to
thisto　thisTO　THIS。〃　　William　appeared　to　be　somewhat　confused
at　this　point；　but　a　wealthy　newsboy　in　the　audience　helped　him　out
by　crying；　〃or　any　other　man。〃　　John　and　William　then　embraced；
bitter　tears　moistening　their　manly　breasts。　　〃Farwel；　Wilyim；〃　said
John；　the　obedient　slave；　〃and　bless　you；　bless　you；　me　child。〃　　The
spirited　slave　walks　off　and　the　obedient　slave　falls　into　a　swoon。
Tableau：　　The　Goddess　of　Liberty　appears　in　a　mackinaw　blanket　and
pours　incense　on　the　obedient　slave。　　A　member　of　the　orchestra　gets
up　and　softly　warbles　on　a　bass　drum。　　Angels　are　heard　singing　in
the　distance。　　Curtain　falls；　the　audience　being　soaking　wet　with
tears。

Act　2；　scene　first；　discloses　the　house　of　Mr。　Lyons；　a　slaveholder
in　Virginia。　　Mr。　Lyons；　as　we　learn　by　the　play；　is　〃a　member　of
the　Whig　Congress。〃　　He　learns　that　William；　his　spirited　slave；　has
escaped。　　This　makes　him　very　angry；　and　he　says　he　will　break　every
bone　in　William's　body。　　He　goes　out　and　searches　for　William；　but
cannot　find　him；　and　comes　back。　　He　takes　a　heavy　drink；　is
stricken　with　remorse；　and　declares　his　intention　to　become　a　nun。
John；　the　obedient　slave；　comes　in　and　asks　permission　to　marry
Julia。　　Mr。　Lyons　says；　certainly；　by　all　means；　and　preparations
are　made　for　the　wedding。

The　wedding　takes　place。　　The　scene　that　follows　is　rather
incomprehensible。　　A　young　mariner　has　a　clandestine　interview　with
the　obedient　slave；　and　receives　10　dollars　to　make　a　large　box。　　An
elderly　mariner；　not　that　mariner；　but　another　marinerrushes　madly
in　and　fires　a　horse…pistol　into　the　air。　　He　wheels　and　is　about
going　off；　when　a　black　Octoroon　rushes　madly　in　and　fires　another
horse…pistol　at　the　retreating　mariner；　who　falls。　　He　says　he　is
going　to　make　a　die　of　it。　　Says　he　should　have　acted　differently　if
he　had　only　done　otherwise；　which　was　right；　or　else　it　wouldn't　be
so。　　He　forgets　his　part　and　don't　say　anything　more；　but　he　wraps
himself　up　in　the　American　flag　and　expires　like　a　son　of　a
gentleman。　　More　warblings　on　the　bass　drum。　　The　rest　of　the
orchestra　endeavor　to　accompany　the　drum；　but　are　so　deeply　affected
that　they　can't。　　There　is　a　death…like　stillness　in　the　house。　　All
was　so　still　that　had　a　cannon　been　fired　off　it　could　have　been
distinctly　seen。

The　next　scene　discloses　a　large　square　box。　　Several　colored
persons　are　seen　standing　round　the　square　box。　　The　mariner　who　was
killed　in　the　last　scene　commences　knocking　off　the　cover　of　the
box。　　He　pulls　the　cover　off；　and　up　jumps　the　obedient　slave　and
his　wife！　　The　obedient　slave　and　his　dear　Julia　fall　out　of　the
box。　　Great　applause。　　They　rush　to　the　footlights　and　kneel。　　Quick
music　by　the　orchestra；　in　which　the　bass　drum　don't　warble　so　much
as　she　did。　　〃I'm　free！　　I'M　FREE！　　I'M　FREE！！〃　shrieks　the　obedient
slave；　〃O　I'm　free！〃　　The　stage　is　suddenly　lighted　up　in　a　gorgeous
manner。　　The　obedient　slave　and　his　dear　Julia　continue　kneeling。
The　dead　mariner　blesses　them。　　The　Goddess　of　Liberty　appears
againthis　time　in　a　beaver　overcoatand　pours　some　more　incense
on　the　obedient　slave。　　An　allegorical　picture　of　Virtue　appears　in
a　red　vest　and　military　boots；　on　the　left　proscenium；　John　Brown
the　barber　appears　as　Lady　Macbeth；　and　says　there　is　a　blue　tinge
into　his　nails；　and　consequently　he　is　an　Octoroon。　　Another　actor
wants　to　define　his　position　on　the　Euclid　Street　improvement；　but
is　hissed　down。　　Curtain　descends　amidst　the　admiring　shouts　of　the
audience；　red　fire；　music；　and　the　violent　assertion　of　the　obedient
slave　that　he　is　free。

The　play　will　not　be　repeated　this　e