the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第6部分

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casting　their　shadows　across　our　path；　and　still　joins　in　the　laugh
with　Artemus；　who；　having　just　returned　from　California；　where　he
had　taken　sixteen　hundred　dollars　at　one　lecture；　did　not　think　that
to　be　evidence　of　his　having　lost　his　senses。

The　substance　of　that　which　Artemus　Ward　then　told　me　was；　that
while　writing　for　the　〃Cleveland　Plain　Dealer〃　he　was　accustomed；　in
the　discharge　of　his　duties　as　a　reporter；　to　attend　the
performances　of　the　various　minstrel　troups　and　circuses　which
visited　the　neighbourhood。　　At　one　of　these　he　would　hear　some　story
of　his　own；　written　a　month　or　two　previously；　given　by　the
〃middle…man〃　of　the　minstrels　and　received　with　hilarity　by　the
audience。　　At　another　place　he　would　be　entertained　by　listening　to
jokes　of　his　own　invention；　coarsely　retailed　by　the　clown　of　the
ring；　and　shouted　at　by　the　public　as　capital　waggery　on　the　part　of
the　performer。　　His　own　good　things　from　the　lips　of　another　〃came
back　to　him　with　alienated　majesty；〃　as　Emerson　expresses　it。　　Then
the　thought　would　steal　over　himWhy　should　that　man　gain　a　living
with　my　witticisms；　and　I　not　use　them　in　the　same　way　myself？　why
not　be　the　utterer　of　my　own　coinage；　the　quoter　of　my　own　jests；
the　mouthpiece　of　my　own　merry　conceits？　　Certainly；　it　was　not　a
very　exalted　ambition　to　aim　at　the　glories　of　a　circus　clown　or　the
triumphs　of　a　minstrel　with　a　blackened　face。　　But；　in　the　United
States　a　somewhat　different　view　is　taken　of　that　which　is　fitting
and　seemly　for　a　man　to　do；　compared　with　the　estimate　we　form　in
this　country。　　In　a　land　where　the　theory　of　caste　is　not　admitted；
the　relative　respectability　of　the　various　professions　is　not　quite
the　same　as　it　is　with　us。　　There　the　profession　does　not　disqualify
if　the　man　himself　be　right；　nor　the　claim　to　the　title　of　gentleman
depend　upon　the　avocation　followed。　　I　know　of　one　or　two　clowns　in
the　ring　who　are　educated　physicians；　and　not　thought　to　be　any　the
less　gentlemen　because　they　propound　conundrums　and　perpetrate　jests
instead　of　prescribing　pills　and　potions。

Artemus　Ward　was　always　very　self…reliant；　when　once　he　believed
himself　to　be　in　the　right　it　was　almost　impossible　to　persuade　him
to　the　contrary。　　But；　at　the　same　time；　he　was　cautious　in　the
extreme；　and　would　well　consider　his　position　before　deciding　that
which　was　right　or　wrong　for　him　to　do。　　The　idea　of　becoming　a
public　man　having　taken　possession　of　his　mind；　the　next　point　to
decide　was　in　what　form　he　should　appear　before　the　public。　　That　of
a　humorous　lecturer　seemed　to　him　to　be　the　best。　　It　was　unoccupied
ground。　　America　had　produced　entertainers　who　by　means　of　facial
changes　or　eccentricities　of　costume　had　contrived　to　amuse　their
audiences；　but　there　was　no　one　who　ventured　to　joke　for　an　hour
before　a　house　full　of　people　with　no　aid　from　scenery　or　dress。
The　experiment　was　one　which　Artemus　resolved　to　try。　　Accordingly；
he　set　himself　to　work　to　collect　all　his　best　quips　and　cranks；　to
invent　what　new　drolleries　he　could；　and　to　remember　all　the　good
things　that　he　had　heard　or　met　with。　　These　he　noted　down　and
strung　together　almost　without　relevancy　or　connexion。　　The
manuscript　chanced　to　fall　into　the　hands　of　the　people　at　the
office　of　the　newspaper　on　which　he　was　then　employed；　and　the
question　was　put　to　him　of　what　use　he　was　going　to　make　of　the
strange　jumble　of　jest　which　he　had　thus　compiled。　　His　answer　was
that　he　was　about　to　turn　lecturer；　and　that　before　them　were　the
materials　of　his　lecture。　　It　was　then　that　his　friends　laughed　at
him；　and　characterised　him　as　〃a　fool。〃

〃They　had　some　right　to　think　so；〃　said　Artemus　to　me　as　we　rambled
up　Euclid　Street。　　〃I　half　thought　that　I　was　one　myself。　　I　don't
look　like　a　lecturerdo　I？〃

He　was　always　fond；　poor　fellow；　of　joking　on　the　subject　of　his
personal　appearance。　　His　spare　figure　and　tall　stature；　his
prominent　nose　and　his　light…colored　hair；　were　each　made　the
subject　of　a　joke　at　one　time　or　another　in　the　course　of　his
lecturing　career。　　If　he　laughed　largely　at　the　foibles　of　others；
he　was　equally　disposed　to　laugh　at　any　shortcomings　he　could　detect
in　himself。　　If　anything　at　all　in　his　outward　form　was　to　him　a
source　of　vanity；　it　was　the　delicate　formation　of　his　hands。
White；　soft；　long；　slender；　and　really　handsome；　they　were　more　like
the　hands　of　a　high…born　lady　than　those　of　a　Western　editor。　　He
attended　to　them　with　careful　pride；　and　never　alluded　to　them　as　a
subject　for　his　jokes；　until；　in　his　last　illness；　they　had　become
unnaturally　fair；　translucent；　and　attenuated。　　Then　it　was　that　a
friend　calling　upon　him　at　his　apartments　in　Piccadilly；　endeavoured
to　cheer　him　at　a　time　of　great　mental　depression；　and　pleasantly
reminded　him　of　a　ride　they　had　long　ago　projected　through　the
South…Western　States　of　the　Union。　　〃We　must　do　that　ride　yet；
Artemus。　　Short　stages　at　first；　and　longer　ones　as　we　go　on。〃　　Poor
Artemus　lifted　up　his　pale；　slender　hands；　and　letting　the　light
shine　through　them；　said　jocosely；　〃Do　you　think　these　would　do　to
hold　a　rein　with？　　　Why；　the　horse　would　laugh　at　them。〃

Having　collected　a　sufficient　number　of　quaint　thoughts；　whimsical
fancies；　bizarre　notions；　and　ludicrous　anecdotes；　the　difficulty
which　then；　according　to　his　own　confession；　occurred　to　Artemus
Ward　was；　what　should　be　the　title　of　his　lecture。　　The　subject　was
no　difficulty　at　all；　for　the　simple　reason　that　there　was　not　to　be
any。　　The　idea　of　instructing　or　informing　his　audience　never　once
entered　into　his　plans。　　His　intention　was　merely　to　amuse；　if
possible；　keep　the　house　in　continuous　laughter　for　an　hour　and　a
half；　or　rather　an　hour　and　twenty　minutes；　for　that　was　the　precise
time；　in　his　belief；　which　people　could　sit　to　listen　and　to　laugh
without　becoming　bored；　and；　if　possible；　send　his　audience　home
well　pleased　with　the　lecturer　and　with　themselves；　without　their
having　any　clear　idea　of　that　which　they　had　been　listening　to；　and
not　one　jot　the　wiser　than　when　they　came。　　No　one　better　understood
than　Artemus　the　wants　of　a　miscellaneous　audience　who　paid　their
dollar　or　half…dollar　each　to　be　amused。　　No　one　could　gauge　better
than　he　the　capacity　of　the　crowd　to　feed　on　pure　fun；　and　no　one
could　discriminate　more　clearly　than　he　the　fitness；　temper；　and
mental　appetite　of　the　constituents　of　his　evening　assemblies。　　The
prosiness　of　an　ordinary　Mechanics'　Institute　lecture　was　to　him
simply　abhorrent；　the　learned　platitudes　of　a　professed　lecturer
were　to　him；　to　use　one　of　his　own　phrases；　〃worse　than　poison。〃　　To
make　people　laugh　was　to　be　his　primary　endeavour。　　If　in　so　making
them　laugh　he　could　also　cause　them　to　see　through　a　sham；　be
ashamed　of　some　silly　national　prejudice；　or　suspicious　of　the　value
of　some　current　piece　of　political　bunkum；　so　much　the　better。　　He
believed　in　laughter　as　thoroughly　wholesome；　he　had　the　firmest
conviction　that　fun　is　healthy；　and　sportiveness　the　truest　sign　of
sanity。　　Like　Talleyrand；　he　was　of　opinion　that　〃Qui　vit　sans　jolie
n'est　pas　si　sage　qu'il　croit。〃

Artemus　Ward's　first　lecture　was　entitled　〃The　Babes　in　the　Wood。〃
I　asked　him　why　he　chose　that　title；　because　there　was　nothing
whatever　in　the　lecture　relevant　to　the　subject　of　the　child…book
legend。　　He　replied；　〃It　seemed　to　sound　the　best。　　I　once　thought
of　calling　the　lecture　'My　Seven　Grandmothers。'　　Don't　you　think
that　would　have　been　good？〃　　It　would　at　any　rate　have　been　just　as
pertinent。

Incongruity　as　an　element　of　fun　was　always　an　idea　uppermost　in　the
mind　of　the　Western　humorist。　　I　am　not　aware　that　the　notes　of　any
of　his　lectures；　except　those　of　his　Mormon　experience；　have　been
preserved；　and　I　have　some　doubts　if　any　one　of　his　lectures；　except
the　Mormon　one；　was　ever　fairly　written　out。　　〃The　Babes　in　the
Wood；〃　as　a　lecture；　was　a　pure　and　unmitigated　〃sell。〃　　It　was
merely　joke　after　joke；　and　drollery　succeeding　to　drollery；　without
any　connecting　thread　whatever。　　It　was　an　exhibition　of　fireworks；
owing　half　its　brilliancy　and　more　than　half　its　effect　to　the　skill
of　the　man　who　grouped　the　fireworks　together　and　let　them　off。　　In
the　hands　of　any　other　pyrotechnist　the　squibs　would　have　failed　to
light；　the　rockets　would　have　refused　to　ascend；　and　the
〃nine…bangers〃　would　have　exploded　but　once　or　twice　only；　instead
of　nine　times。　　The　artist　of　the　display　being　no　more；　and　the
fireworks　themselves　having　gone　out；　it　is　perhaps　not　to　be
regretted　that　the　cases　of　the　squibs　and　the　tubes　of　the　rockets
have　not　been　carefully　kept。　　Most　of　the　good　things　introduced　by
Artemus　Ward　in　his　first　lecture　were　afterwards　incorporated　by
him　in　subsequent　writings；　or　used　over　again　in　his　later
entertainment。　　Many　of　them　had　reference　to　the　events　of　the　day；
the　circumstances　of　the　American　War　and　the　politics　of　the　Great
Rebellion。　　These；　of　course；　have　lost　their　interest　with　the
passing　away　of　the　times　which　gave　them　birth。　　The　points　of　many
of　the　jokes　have　corroded；　and　the　barbed　head　of　many　an　arrow　of
Artemus's　wit　has　rusted　into　bluntness　with　the　decay　of　the　bow
from　which　it　was　propelled。

If　I　remember　rightly；　the　〃Babes　in　the　Wood〃　were　never　mentioned
more　than　twice　in　the　whole　lecture。　　First；　when　the　lecturer　told
his　audience　that　the　〃Babes〃　were　to　constitute　the　subject　of　his
discourse；　and　then　digressed　immediately　to　matters　quite　foreign
to　the　story。　　Then　again　at　the　conclusion　of　the　hour　and　twenty
minutes　of　drollery；　when　he　finished　up　in　this　way：　〃I　now　come　to
my　subject　'The　Babes　in　the　Wood。'〃　　Here　he　would　take　out　his
watch；　look　at　it　with　affected　surprise；　put　on　an　appearance　of
being　greatly　perplexed；　and　amidst　roars　of　laughter　from　the
people；　very　gravely　continue；　〃But　I　find　that　I　have　exceeded　my
time；　and　will　therefore　merely　remark　that；　so　far　as　I　know；　they
were　very　good　babesthey　were　as　good　as　ordinary　babes。　　I　really
have　not　time　to　go　into　their　history。　　You　will　find　it　all　in　the
story…books。　　They　died　in　the　woods；　listening　to　the　woodpecker