the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第7部分

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story…books。　　They　died　in　the　woods；　listening　to　the　woodpecker
tapping　the　hollow　beech…tree。　　It　was　a　sad　fate　for　them；　and　I
pity　them。　　So；　I　hope；　do　you。　　Good　night！〃

Artemus　gave　his　first　lecture　at　Norwich　in　Connecticut；　and
travelled　over　a　considerable　portion　of　the　Eastern　States　before
he　ventured　to　give　a　sample　of　his　droll　oratory　in　the　Western
cities；　wherein　he　had　earned　reputation　as　a　journalist。　　Gradually
his　popularity　became　very　great；　and　in　place　of　letting　himself
out　at　so　much　per　night　to　literary　societies　and　athenaeums；　he
constituted　himself　his　own　showman；　engaging　that　indispensable
adjunct　to　all　showmen　in　the　United　States；　an　agent　to　go　ahead；
engage　halls；　arrange　for　the　sale　of　tickets；　and　engineer　the
success　of　the　show。　　Newspapers　had　carried　his　name　to　every
village　of　the　Union；　and　his　writings　had　been　largely　quoted　in
every　journal。　　It　required；　therefore；　comparatively　little
advertising　to　announce　his　visit　to　any　place　in　which　he　had　to
lecture。　　But　it　was　necessary　that　he　should　have　a　bill　or　poster
of　some　kind。　　The　one　he　adopted　was　simple；　quaint；　striking；　and
well　adapted　to　the　purpose。　　It　was　merely　one　large　sheet；　with　a
black　ground；　and　the　letters　cut　out　in　the　block；　so　as　to　print
white。　　The　reading　was　〃Artemus　Ward　will　Speak　a　Piece。〃　　To　the
American　mind　this　was　intensely　funny　from　its　childish　absurdity。
It　is　customary　in　the　States　for　children　to　speak　or　recite　〃a
piece〃　at　school　at　the　annual　examination；　and　the　phrase　is　used
just　in　the　same　sense　as　in　England　we　say　〃a　Christmas　piece。〃
The　professed　subject　of　the　lecture　being　that　of　a　story　familiar
to　children；　harmonised　well　with　the　droll　placard　which　announced
its　delivery。　　The　place　and　time　were　notified　on　a　slip　pasted
beneath。　　To　emerge　from　the　dull　depths　of　lyceum　committees　and
launch　out　as　a　showman…lecturer　on　his　own　responsibility；　was
something　both　novel　and　bold　for　Artemus　to　do。　　In　the　majority　of
instances　he　or　his　agent　met　with　speculators　who　were　ready　to
engage　him　for　so　many　lectures；　and　secure　to　the　lecturer　a
certain　fixed　sum。　　But　in　his　later　transactions　Artemus　would　have
nothing　to　do　with　them；　much　preferring　to　undertake　all　the　risk
himself。　　The　last　speculator　to　whom　he　sold　himself　for　a　tour
was；　I　believe；　Mr。　Wilder；　of　New　York　City；　who　realised　a　large
profit　by　investing　in　lecturing　stock；　and　who　was　always　ready　to
engage　a　circus；　a　wild…beast　show；　or　a　lecturing　celebrity。

As　a　rule　Artemus　Ward　succeeded　in　pleasing　every　one　in　his
audience；　especially　those　who　understood　the　character　of　the　man
and　the　drift　of　his　lecture；　but　there　were　not　wanting　at　any　of
his　lectures　a　few　obtuse…minded；　slowly…perceptive；　drowsy…headed
dullards；　who　had　not　the　remotest　idea　what　the　entertainer　was
talking　about；　nor　why　those　around　him　indulged　in　laughter。
Artemus　was　quick　to　detect　these　little　spots　upon　the　sunny　face
of　his　auditory。　　He　would　pick　them　out；　address　himself　at　times
to　them　especially；　and　enjoy　the　bewilderment　of　his　Boeotian
patrons。　　Sometimes　a　stolid　inhabitant　of　central　New　York；
evidently　of　Dutch　extraction；　would　regard　him　with　an　open　stare
expressive　of　a　desire　to　enjoy　that　which　was　said　if　the　point　of
the　joke　could　by　any　possibility　be　indicated　to　him。　　At　other
times　a　demure　Pennsylvania　Quaker　would　benignly　survey　the　poor
lecturer　with　a　look　of　benevolent　pity；　and　on　one　occasion；　when
my　friend　was　lecturing　at　Peoria；　an　elderly　lady；　accompanied　by
her　two　daughters；　left　the　room　in　the　midst　of　the　lecture；
exclaiming；　as　she　passed　me　at　the　door；　〃It　is　too　bad　of　people
to　laugh　at　a　poor　young　man　who　doesn't　know　what　he　is　saying；　and
ought　to　be　sent　to　a　lunatic　asylum！〃

The　newspaper　reporters　were　invariably　puzzled　in　attempting　to
give　any　correct　idea　of　a　lecture　by　Artemus　Ward。　　No　report　could
fairly　convey　an　idea　of　the　entertainment；　and　being　fully　aware　of
this；　Artemus　would　instruct　his　agent　to　beg　of　the　papers　not　to
attempt　giving　any　abstract　of　that　which　he　said。　　The　following　is
the　way　in　which　the　reporter　of　the　Golden　Era；　at　San　Francisco；
California；　endeavoured　to　inform　the　San　Franciscan　public　of　the
character　of　〃The　Babes　in　the　Wood〃　lecture。　　It　is；　as　the　reader
will　perceive；　a　burlesque　on　the　way　in　which　Artemus　himself　dealt
with　the　topic　he　had　chosen；　while　it　also　notes　one　or　two　of　the
salient　features　of　my　friend's　style　of　Lecturing：

〃HOW　ARTEMUS　WARD　'SPOKE　A　PIECE。'〃

〃Artemus　has　arrived。　　Artemus　has　spoken。　　Artemus　has　triumphed。
Great　is　Artemus！

〃Great　also　is　Platt's　Hall。　　But　Artemus　is　greater；　for　the　hall
proved　too　small　for　his　audience；　and　too　circumscribed　for　the
immensity　of　his　jokes。　　A　man　who　has　drank　twenty　bottles　of　wine
may　be　called　‘full。'　　A　pint　bottle　with　a　quart　of　water　in　it
would　also　be　accounted　full；　and　so　would　an　hotel　be；　every　bed　in
it　let　three　times　over　on　the　same　night　to　three　different
occupants；　but　none　of　these　would　be　so　full　as　Platt's　Hall　was　on
Friday　night　to　hear　Artemus　Ward　‘speak　a　piece。'

〃The　piece　selected　was　‘The　Babes　in　the　Wood；'　which　reminds　us
that　Mr。　Ward　is　a　tall；　slender…built；　fair…complexioned；
jovial…looking　gentleman　of　about　twenty…seven　years　of　age。　　He　has
a　pleasant　manner；　an　agreeable　style；　and　a　clear；　distinct；　and
powerful　voice。

〃'The　Babes　in　the　Wood'　is　a　'comic　oration；'　with　a　most
comprehensive　grasp　of　subject。　　As　spoken　by　its　witty　author；　it
elicited　gusto　of　laughter　and　whirlwinds　of　applause。　　Mr。　Ward　is
no　prosy　lyceum　lecturer。　　His　style　is　neither　scientific；
didactic；　or　philosophical。　　It　is　simply　that　of　a　man　who　is
brimful　of　mirth；　wit；　and　satire；　and　who　is　compelled　to　let　it
flow　forth。　　Maintaining　a　very　grave　countenance　himself；　he　plays
upon　the　muscles　of　other　people's　faces　as　though　they　were　piano…
strings；　and　he　the　prince　of　pianists。

〃The　story　of　'The　Babes　in　the　Wood'　is　interesting　in　the　extreme。
We　would　say；　en　passant；　however；　that　Artemus　Ward　is　a　perfect
steam　factory　of　puns　and　a　museum　of　American　humour。　　Humanity
seems　to　him　to　be　a　vast　mine；　out　of　which　he　digs　tons　of　fun；
and　life　a　huge　forest；　in　which　he　can　cut　down　'cords'　of
comicality。　　Language　with　him　is　like　the　brass　balls　with　which
the　juggler　amuses　us　at　the　circusever　being　tossed　up；　ever
glittering；　ever　thrown　about　at　pleasure。　　We　intended　to　report
his　lecture　in　full；　but　we　laughed　till　we　split　our　lead　pencil；
and　our　shorthand　symbols　were　too　infused　with　merriment　to　remain
steady　on　the　paper。　　However；　let　us　proceed　to　give　an　idea　of
'The　Babes　in　the　Wood。'　　In　the　first　place；　it　is　a　comic　oration；
that　is；　it　is　spoken；　is　exuberant　in　fun；　felicitous　in　fancy；
teeming　with　jokes；　and　sparkling　as　bright　waters　on　a　sunny　day。
The　'Babes　in　the　Wood'　isthat　is；　it　isn't　a　lecture　or　an
oratorical　effort；　it　is　something　sui　generis；　something　reserved
for　our　day　and　generation；　which　it　would　never　have　done　for　our
forefathers　to　have　known；　or　they　would　have　been　too　mirthful　to
have　attended　to　the　business　of　preparing　the　world　for　our　coming；
and　something　which　will　provoke　so　much　laughter　in　our　time；　that
the　echo　of　the　laughs　will　reverberate　along　the　halls　of　futurity；
and　seriously　affect　the　nerves　of　future　generations。

〃The　'Babes　in　the　Wood；'　to　describe　it；　isWell；　those　who
listened　to　it　know　best。　　At　any　rate；　they　will　acknowledge　with
us　that　it　was　a　great　success；　and　that　Artemus　Ward　has　a　fortune
before　him　in　California。

〃And　now　to　tell　the　story　of　'The　Babes　in　the　Wood'But　we　will
not；　for　the　hall　was　not　half　large　enough　to　accommodate　those　who
came；　consequently　Mr。　Ward　will　tell　it　over　again　at　the
Metropolitan　Theatre　next　Tuesday　evening。　　The　subject　will　again
be　'The　Babes　in　the　Wood。'〃

Having　travelled　over　the　Union　with　〃The　Babes　in　the　Wood〃
lecture；　and　left　his　audiences　everywhere　fully　〃in　the　wood〃　as
regarded　the　subject　announced　in　the　title；　Artemus　Ward　became
desirous　of　going　over　the　same　ground　again。　　There　were　not
wanting　dreary　and　timid　prophets　who　told　him　that　having　〃sold〃
his　audiences　once；　he　would　not　succeed　in　gaining　large　houses　a
second　time。　　But　the　faith　of　Artemus　in　the　unsuspecting　nature　of
the　public　was　very　large；　so　with　fearless　intrepidity　he　conceived
the　happy　thought　of　inventing　a　new　title；　but　keeping　to　the　same
old　lecture；　interspersing　it　here　and　there　with　a　few　fresh　jokes；
incidental　to　new　topics　of　the　times。　　Just　at　this　period　General
McClellan　was　advancing　on　Richmond；　and　the　celebrated　fight　at
Bull's　Run　had　become　matter　of　history。　　The　forcible　abolition　of
slavery　had　obtained　a　place　among　the　debates　of　the　day；　Hinton
Rowan　Helper's　book　on　〃The　Inevitable　Crisis〃　had　been　sold　at
every　bookstall；　and　the　future　of　the　negro　had　risen　into　the
position　of　being　the　great　point　of　discussion　throughout　the　land。
Artemus　required　a　very　slender　thread　to　string　his　jokes　upon；　and
what　better　one　could　be　found　than　that　which　he　chose？　　He
advertised　the　title　of　his　next　lecture　as　〃Sixty　Minutes　in
Africa。〃　　I　need　scarcely　say　that　he　had　never　been　in　Africa；　and
in　all　probability　had　never　read　a　book　on　African　travel。　　He　knew
nothing　about　it；　and　that　was　the　very　reason　he　should　choose
Africa　for　his　subject。　　I　believe　that　he　carried　out　the　joke　so
far　as　to　have　a　map　made　of　the　African　continent；　and　that　on　a
few　occasions；　but　not　on　all；　he　had　it　suspended　in　the
lecture…room。　　It　was　in　Philadelphia　and　at　the　Musical　Fund　Hall
in　Locust　Street　that　I　first　heard　him　deliver　what　he　jocularly
phrased　to　me　as　〃My　African　Revelation。〃　　The　hall　was　very
thronged；　the　audience　must　have　exceeded　two　thousand　in　number；
and　the　evening　was　unusually　warm。　　Artemus　came　on　the　rostrum
with　a　roll　of　paper　in　his　hands；　and　used　it　to　play　with
throughout　the　lecture；　just　as　recently　at　the　Egyptian　Hall；　while
l