the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第9部分

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undertakenthat　of　amusing　the　public　with　a　humorous　lecture。　　He
understood　and　comprehended　to　a　hair's　breadth　the　grand　secret　of
how　not　to　bore。　　He　had　weighed；　measured；　and　calculated　to　a
nicety　the　number　of　laughs　an　audience　could　indulge　in　on　one
evening；　without　feeling　that　they　were　laughing　just　a　little　too
much。　　Above　all；　he　was　no　common　man；　and　did　not　cause　his
audience　to　feel　that　they　were　laughing　at　that　which　they　should
feel　ashamed　of　being　amused　with。　　He　was　intellectually　up　to　the
level　of　nine…tenths　of　those　who　listened　to　him；　and　in　listening；
they　felt　that　it　was　no　fool　who　wore　the　cap　and　bells　so
excellently。　　It　was　amusing　to　notice　how　with　different　people　his
jokes　produced　a　different　effect。　　The　Honourable　Robert　Lowe
attended　one　evening　at　the　Mormon　Lecture；　and　laughed　as
hilariously　as　any　one　in　the　room。　　The　next　evening　Mr。　John
Bright　happened　to　be　present。　　With　the　exception　of　one　or　two
occasional　smiles；　he　listened　with　grave　attention。

In　placing　the　lecture　before　the　public　in　print；　it　is　impossible；
by　having　recourse　to　any　system　of　punctuation；　to　indicate　the
pauses；　jerky　emphases；　and　odd　inflexions　of　voice　which
characterised　the　delivery。　　The　reporter　of　the　Standard　newspaper；
describing　his　first　lecture　in　London；　aptly　said：　〃Artemus　dropped
his　jokes　faster　than　the　meteors　of　last　night　succeeded　each　other
in　the　sky。　　And　there　was　this　resemblance　between　the　flashes　of
his　humour　and　the　flights　of　the　meteors；　that　in　each　case　one
looked　for　jokes　or　meteors；　but　they　always　came　just　in　the　place
that　one　least　expected　to　find　them。　　Half　the　enjoyment　of　the
evening　lay；　to　some　of　those　present；　in　listening　to　the　hearty
cachinnation　of　the　people　who　only　found　out　the　jokes　some　two　or
three　minutes　after　they　were　made；　and　who　then　laughed　apparently
at　some　grave　statements　of　fact。　　Reduced　to　paper；　the　showman's
jokes　are　certainly　not　brilliant；　almost　their　whole　effect　lies　in
their　seemingly　impromptu　character。　　They　are　carefully　led　up　to；
of　course；　but　they　are　uttered　as　if　they　are　mere　afterthoughts；
of　which　the　speaker　is　hardly　sure。〃　　Herein　the　writer　in　the
Standard　hits　the　most　marked　peculiarity　of　Artemus　Ward's　style　of
lecturing。　　His　affectation　of　not　knowing　what　he　was　uttering；　his
seeming　fits　of　abstraction；　and　his　grave；　melancholy　aspect；
constituted　the　very　cream　of　the　entertainment。　　Occasionally　he
would　amuse　himself　in　an　apparently　meditative　mood；　by　twirling
his　little　riding…whip；　or　by　gazing　earnestly；　but　with　affected
admiration；　at　his　panorama。　　At　the　Egyptian　Hall　his　health
entirely　failed　him；　and　he　would　occasionally　have　to　use　a　seat
during　the　course　of　the　lecture。　　In　the　notes　which　follow　I　have
tried；　I　know　how　inefficiently；　to　convey　here　and　there　an　idea　of
how　Artemus　rendered　his　lecture　amusing　by　gesture　or　action。　　I
have　also；　at　the　request　of　the　publisher；　made　a　few　explanatory
comments　on　the　subject　of　our　Mormon　trip。　　In　so　doing　I　hope　that
I　have　not　thrust　myself　too　prominently　forward；　nor　been　too
officious　in　my　explanations。　　My　aim　has　been　to　add　to　the
interest　of　the　lecture　with　those　who　never　heard　it　delivered；　and
to　revive　in　the　memory　of　those　who　did　some　of　its　notable
peculiarities。　　The　illustrations　are　from　photographs　of　the
panorama　painted　in　America　for　Artemus；　as　the　pictorial　portion　of
his　entertainment。

In　the　lecture　is　the　fun　of　the　journey。　　For　the　hard　facts　the
reader　in　quest　of　information　is　referred　to　a　book　published
previously　to　the　lecturer's　appearance　at　the　Egyptian　Hall；　the
title　of　which　is；　〃Artemus　Ward：　　His　Travels　among　the　Mormons。〃
Much　against　the　grain　as　it　was　for　Artemus　to　be　statistical；　he
has　therein　detailed　some　of　the　experiences　of　his　Mormon　trip；
with　due　regard　to　the　exactitude　and　accuracy　of　statement　expected
by　information…seeking　readers　in　a　book　of　travels。　　He　was　not
precisely　the　sort　of　traveller　to　write　a　paper　for　the　evening
meetings　of　the　Royal　Geographical　Society；　nor　was　he　sufficiently
interested　in　philosophical　theories　to　speculate　on　the
developments　of　Mormonism　as　illustrative　of　the　history　of
religious　belief。　　We　were　looking　out　of　the　window　of　the　Salt
Lake　House　one　morning；　when　Brigham　Young　happened　to　pass　down　the
opposite　side　of　Main　Street。　　It　was　cold　weather；　and　the　prophet
was　clothed　in　a　thick　cloak　of　some　green…colored　material。　　I
remarked　to　Artemus　that　Brigham　had　seemingly　compounded　Mormonism
from　portions　of　a　dozen　different　creeds；　and　that　in　selecting
green　for　the　color　of　his　apparel；　he　was　imitating　Mahomet。　　〃Has
it　not　struck　you；〃　I　observed；　〃that　Swedenborgianism　and
Mahometanism　are　oddly　blended　in　the　Mormon　faith？〃

〃Petticoatism　and　plunder；〃　was　Artemus's　replyand　that
comprehended　his　whole　philosophy　of　Mormonism。　　As　he　remarked
elsewhere：　　〃Brigham　Young　is　a　man　of　great　natural　ability。　　If　you
ask　me；　How　pious　is　he？　I　treat　it　as　a　conundrum；　and　give　it　up。〃

To　lecture　in　London；　and　at　the　Egyptian　Hall；　had　long　been　a
favourite　idea　of　Artemus　Ward。　　Some　humorist　has　said；　that　〃All
good　Americans；　when　they　die；　go　to　Paris。〃　　So　do　most；　whether
good　or　bad；　while　they　are　living。

Still　more　strongly　developed　is　the　transatlantic　desire　to　go　to
Rome。　　In　the　far　west　of　the　Missouri；　in　the　remoter　west　of
Colorado　and　away　in　far　north…western　Oregon；　I　have　heard　many　a
tradesman　express　his　intention　to　make　dollars　enough　to　enable　him
to　visit　Rome。　　In　a　land　where　all　is　so　new；　where　they　have　had
no　past；　where　an　old　wall　would　be　a　sensation；　and　a　tombstone　of
anybody's　great　grandfather　the　marvel　of　the　whole　region；　the
charms　of　the　old　world　have　an　irresistible　fascination。　　To　visit
the　home　of　the　Caesars　they　have　read　of　in　their　school…books；　and
to　look　at　architecture　which　they　have　seen　pictorially；　but　have
nothing　like　it　in　existence　around　them；　is　very　naturally　the
strong　wish　of　people　who　are　nationally　nomadic；　and　who　have　all
more　or　less　a　smattering　of　education。　　Artemus　Ward　never
expressed　to　me　any　very　great　wish　to　travel　on　the　European
continent；　but　to　see　London　was　to　accomplish　something　which　he
had　dreamed　of　from　his　boyhood。　　There　runs　from　Marysville　in
California　to　Oroville　in　the　same　State　a　short　and　singular　little
railway；　which；　when　we　were　there；　was　in　a　most　unfinished
condition。　　To　Oroville　we　were　going。　　We　were　too　early　for　the
train　at　the　Marysville　station；　and　sat　down　on　a　pile　of　timber　to
chat　over　future　prospects。

〃What　sort　of　a　man　was　Albert　Smith？〃　asked　Artemus　〃And　do　you
think　that　the　Mormons　would　be　as　good　a　subject　for　the　Londoners
as　Mont　Blanc　was？〃

I　answered　his　questions。　　He　reflected　for　a　few　moments；　and　then
said：

〃Well；　old　fellow；　I'll　tell　you　what　I　should　like　to　do。　　I　should
like　to　go　to　London　and　give　my　lecture　in　the　same　place。　　Can　it
be　done？〃

It　was　done。　　Not　in　the　same　room；　but　under　the　same　roof　and　on
the　same　floor；　in　that　gloomy…looking　Hall　in　Piccadilly；　which　was
destined　to　be　the　ante…chamber　to　the　tomb　of　both　lecturers。

Throughout　this　brief　sketch　I　have　written　familiarly　of　the　late
Mr。　Charles　F。　Browne　as　〃Artemus　Ward；〃　or　simply　as　〃Artemus。〃　　I
have　done　so　advisedly；　mainly　because；　during　the　whole　course　of
our　acquaintance；　I　do　not　remember　addressing　him　as　〃Mr。　Browne；〃
or　by　his　real　Christian　name。　　To　me　he　was　always　〃Artemus〃
Artemus　the　kind；　the　gentle；　the　suave；　the　generous。　　One　who　was
ever　a　friend　in　the　fullest　meaning　of　the　word；　and　the　best　of
companions　in　the　amplest　acceptance　of　the　phrase。　　His　merry　laugh
and　pleasant　conversation　are　as　audible　to　me　as　if　they　were　heard
but　yesterday；　his　words　of　kindness　linger　on　the　ear　of　memory；
and　his　tones　of　genial　mirth　live　in　echoes　which　I　shall　listen　to
for　evermore。　　Two　years　will　soon　have　passed　away　since　last　he
spoke；　and

　　　　　　　　　　　〃Silence　now；　enamour'd　of　his　voice
　　　　　　　　　　　　Looks　its　mute　music　in　her　rugged　cell。〃

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　E。P。　HINGSTON。
LONDON；　October　1868。

*　　*　　*








ARTEMUS　WARD。

PART　I。

ESSAYS；　SKETCHES；　AND　LETTERS。


1。1。　　ONE　OF　MR。　WARD'S　BUSINESS　LETTERS。

To　the　Editor　of　the　

SirI'm　movin　alongslowly　alongdown　tords　your　place。　　I
want　you　should　rite　me　a　letter；　sayin　how　is　the　show　bizniss
in　your　place。　　My　show　at　present　consists　of　three　moral　Bares；
a　Kangaroo　（a　amoozin　little　Raskalt'would　make　you　larf
yerself　to　deth　to　see　the　little　cuss　jump　up　and　squeal）　wax
figgers　of　G。　Washington　Gen。　Tayler　John　Bunyan　Capt　Kidd　and
Dr。　Webster　in　the　act　of　killin　Dr。　Parkman；　besides　several
miscellanyus　moral　wax　statoots　of　celebrated　piruts　&　murderers；
&c。；　ekalled　by　few　&　exceld　by　none。　　Now　Mr。　Editor；　scratch
orf　a　few　lines　sayin　how　is　the　show　bizniss　down　to　your　place。
I　shall　hav　my　hanbills　dun　at　your　offiss。　　Depend　upon　it。　　I
want　you　should　git　my　hanbills　up　in　flamin　stile。　　Also　git　up
a　tremenjus　excitemunt　in　yr。　paper　'bowt　my　onparaleld　Show。　　We
must　fetch　the　public　sumhow。　　We　must　wurk　on　their　feelins。
Cum　the　moral　on　'em　strong。　　If　it's　a　temperance　community　tell
'em　I　sined　the　pledge　fifteen　minits　arter　Ise　born；　but　on　the
contery　ef　your　peple　take　their　tods；　say　Mister　Ward　is　as
Jenial　a　feller　as　we　ever　met；　full　of　conwiviality；　&　the　life
an　sole　of　the　Soshul　Bored。　　Take；　don't　you？　　If　you　say　anythin
abowt　my　show　say　my　snaiks　is　as　harmliss　as　the　new…born　Babe。
What　a　interestin　study　it　is　to　see　a　zewological　animil　like　a
snaik　under　perfeck　subjecshun！　　My　kangaroo　is　the　most　larfable
little　cuss　I　ever　saw。　　All　for　15　cents。　　I　am　anxyus　to　skewer
your　infloounce。　　I　repeet　in　regard　to　them　hanbills　that　I　shall
git　'em　struck　orf　up　to　your　printin　office。　　My　perlitercal
sentiments　agree　with　yourn　exackly。　　I　know　thay　do；　becawz　I
never　saw　a　man　whoos　didn't。

Respectively　yures；

A。　Ward。

P。S。