michael-第29部分

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ous　attack　of　unusual　severity；　but　a　second　Petsy　had　already　taken　her　place；　and　Lady　Ashbridge　sat　with　himit　was　a　gentleman　Petsy　this　timein　her　lap　as　before；　and　occasionally　shed　a　tear　or　two　over　Petsy　II。　in　memory　of　Petsy　I。　　But　this　did　not　seem　to　account　for　the　wakening　up　of　her　mind　and　emotions　into　this　state　of　depression　and　anxiety。　　It　was　as　if　all　her　life　she　had　been　quietly　dozing　in　the　sun；　and　that　the　place　where　she　sat　had　passed　into　the　shade；　and　she　had　awoke　cold　and　shivering　from　a　bitter　wind。　She　had　become　far　more　talkative；　and　though　she　had　by　no　means　abandoned　her　habit　of　upsetting　any　conversation　by　the　extreme　obviousness　of　her　remarks；　she　asked　many　more　questions；　and；　as　Michael　noticed；　often　repeated　a　question　to　which　she　had　received　an　answer　only　a　few　minutes　before。　　During　dinner　Michael　constantly　found　her　looking　at　him　in　a　shy　and　eager　manner；　removing　her　gaze　when　she　found　it　was　observed；　and　when；　later；　after　a　silent　cigarette　with　his　father　in　the　smoking…　room；　during　which　Lord　Ashbridge；　with　some　ostentation；　studied　an　Army　List；　Michael　went　to　his　bedroom；　he　was　utterly　astonished；　when　he　gave　a　〃Come　in〃　to　a　tapping　at　his　door；　to　see　his　mother　enter。　　Her　maid　was　standing　behind　her　holding　the　inevitable　Petsy；　and　she　herself　hovered　hesitatingly　in　the　doorway。

〃I　heard　you　come　up；　Michael；〃　she　said；　〃and　I　wondered　if　it　would　annoy　you　if　I　came　in　to　have　a　little　talk　with　you。　　But　I　won't　come　in　if　it　would　annoy　you。　　I　only　thought　I　should　like　a　little　chat　with　you；　quietly；　secure　from　interruptions。〃

Michael　instantly　got　up　from　the　chair　in　front　of　his　fire；　in　which　he　had　already　begun　to　see　images　of　Sylvia。　　This　intrusion　of　his　mother's　was　a　thing　utterly　unprecedented；　and　somehow　he　at　once　connected　its　innovation　with　the　strange　manner　he　had　remarked　already。　　But　there　was　complete　cordiality　in　his　welcome；　and　he　wheeled　up　a　chair　for　her。

〃But　by　all　means　come　in；　mother；〃　he　said。　　〃I　was　not　going　to　bed　yet。〃

Lady　Ashbridge　looked　round　for　her　maid。

〃And　will　Petsy　not　annoy　you　if　he　sits　quietly　on　my　knee？〃　she　asked。

〃Of　course　not。〃

Lady　Ashbridge　took　the　dog。

〃There；　that　is　nice；〃　she　said。　　〃I　told　them　to　see　you　had　a　good　fire　on　this　cold　night。　　Has　it　been　very　cold　in　London？〃

This　question　had　already　been　asked　and　answered　twice；　now　for　the　third　time　Michael　admitted　the　severity　of　the　weather。

〃I　hope　you　wrap　up　well；〃　she　said。　　〃I　should　be　sorry　if　you　caught　cold；　and　so；　I　am　sure；　your　father　would　be。　　I　wish　you　could　make　up　your　mind　not　to　vex　him　any　more；　but　go　back　into　the　Guards。〃

〃I'm　afraid　that's　impossible；　mother；〃　he　said。

〃Well；　if　it's　impossible　there　is　no　use　in　saying　anything　more　about　it。　　But　it　vexed　him　very　much。　　He　is　still　vexed　with　you。　I　wish　he　was　not　vexed。　　It　is　a　sad　thing　when　father　and　son　fall　out。　　But　you　do　wrap　up；　I　hope；　in　the　cold　weather？〃

Michael　felt　a　sudden　pang　of　anxiety　and　alarm。　　Each　separate　thing　that　his　mother　said　was　sensible　enough；　but　in　the　sum　they　were　nonsense。

〃You　have　been　in　London　since　September；〃　she　went　on。　　〃That　is　a　long　time　to　be　in　London。　　Tell　me　about　your　life　there。　　Do　you　work　hard？　　Not　too　hard；　I　hope？〃

〃No！　hard　enough　to　keep　me　busy；〃　he　said。

〃Tell　me　about　it　all。　　I　am　afraid　I　have　not　been　a　very　good　mother　to　you；　I　have　not　entered　into　your　life　enough。　　I　want　to　do　so　now。　　But　I　don't　think　you　ever　wanted　to　confide　in　me。　　It　is　sad　when　sons　don't　confide　in　their　mothers。　　But　I　daresay　it　was　my　fault；　and　now　I　know　so　little　about　you。〃

She　paused　a　moment；　stroking　her　dog's　ears；　which　twitched　under　her　touch。

〃I　hope　you　are　happy；　Michael；〃　she　said。　　〃I　don't　think　I　am　so　happy　as　I　used　to　be。　　But　don't　tell　your　father；　I　feel　sure　he　does　not　notice　it；　and　it　would　vex　him。　　But　I　want　you　to　be　happy；　you　used　not　to　be　when　you　were　little；　you　were　always　sensitive　and　queer。　　But　you　do　seem　happier　now；　and　that's　a　good　thing。〃

Here　again　this　was　all　sensible；　when　taken　in　bits；　but　its　aspect　was　different　when　considered　together。　　She　looked　at　Michael　anxiously　a　moment；　and　then　drew　her　chair　closer　to　him；　laying　her　thin；　veined　hand；　sparkling　with　many　rings；　on　his　knee。

〃But　it　wasn't　I　who　made　you　happier；〃　she　said；　〃and　that's　so　dreadful。　　I　never　made　anybody　happy。　　Your　father　always　made　himself　happy；　and　he　liked　being　himself；　but　I　suspect　you　haven't　liked　being　yourself；　poor　Michael。　　But　now　that　you're　living　the　life　you　chose；　which　vexes　your　father；　is　it　better　with　you？〃

The　shyness　had　gone　from　the　gaze　that　he　had　seen　her　direct　at　him　at　dinner；　which　fugitively　fluttered　away　when　she　saw　that　it　was　observed；　and　now　that　it　was　bent　so　unwaveringly　on　him　he　saw　shining　through　it　what　he　had　never　seen　before；　namely；　the　mother…love　which　he　had　missed　all　his　life。　　Now；　for　the　first　time；　he　saw　it；　recognising　it；　as　by　divination；　when；　with　ray　serene　and　untroubled；　it　burst　through　the　mists　that　seemed　to　hang　about　his　mother's　mind。　　Before；　noticing　her　change　of　manner；　her　restless　questions；　he　had　been　vaguely　alarmed；　and　as　they　went　on　the　alarm　had　become　more　pronounced；　but　at　this　moment；　when　there　shone　forth　the　mother…instinct　which　had　never　come　out　or　blossomed　in　her　life；　but　had　been　overlaid　completely　with　routine　and　conventionality；　rendering　it　too　indolent　to　put　forth　petals；　Michael　had　no　thought　but　for　that　which　she　had　never　given　him　yet；　and　which；　now　it　began　to　expand　before　him；　he　knew　he　had　missed　all　his　life。

She　took　up　his　big　hand　that　lay　on　his　knee　and　began　timidly　stroking　it。

〃Since　you　have　been　away；〃　she　said；　〃and　since　your　father　has　been　vexed　with　you；　I　have　begun　to　see　how　lonely　you　must　have　been。　　What　taught　me　that；　I　am　afraid；　was　only　that　I　have　begun　to　feel　lonely；　too。　　Nobody　wants　me；　even　Petsy；　when　she　died；　didn't　want　me　to　be　near　her；　and　then　it　began　to　strike　me　that　perhaps　you　might　want　me。　　There　was　no　one　else；　and　who　should　want　me　if　my　son　did　not？　　I　never　gave　you　the　chance　before；　God　forgive　me；　and　now　perhaps　it　is　too　late。　　You　have　learned　to　do　without　me。〃

That　was　bitterly　true；　the　truth　of　it　stabbed　Michael。　　On　his　side；　as　he　knew；　he　had　made　no　effort　either；　or　if　he　had　they　had　been　but　childish　efforts；　easily　repulsed。　　He　had　not　troubled　about　it；　and　if　she　was　to　blame；　the　blame　was　his　also。　She　had　been　slow　to　show　the　mother…instinct；　but　he　had　been　just　as　wanting　in　the　tenderness　of　the　son。

He　was　profoundly　touched　by　this　humble　timidity；　by　the　sincerity；　vague　but　unquestionable；　that　lay　behind　it。

〃It's　never　too　late；　is　it？〃　he　said；　bending　down　and　kissing　the　thin　white　hands　that　held　his。　　〃We　are　in　time；　after　all；　aren't　we？〃

She　gave　a　little　shiver。

〃Oh；　don't　kiss　my　hands；　Michael；〃　she　said。　　〃It　hurts　me　that　you　should　do　that。　　But　it　is　sweet　of　you　to　say　that　I　am　not　too　late；　after　all。　　Michael；　may　I　just　take　you　in　my　armsmay　I？〃

He　half　rose。

〃Oh；　mother；　how　can　you　ask？〃　he　said。

〃Then　let　me　do　it。　　No；　my　darling；　don't　move。　　Just　sit　still　as　you　are；　and　let　me　just　get　my　arms　about　you；　and　put　my　head　on　your　shoulder；　and　hold　me　close　like　that　for　a　moment；　so　that　I　can　realise　that　I　am　not　too　late。〃

She　got　up；　and；　leaning　over　him；　held　him　so　for　a　moment；　pressing　her　cheek　close　to　his；　and　kissing　him　on　the　eyes　and　on　the　mouth。

〃Ah；　that　is　nice；〃　she　said。　　〃It　makes　my　loneliness　fall　away　from　me。　　I　am　not　quite　alone　any　more。　　And　now；　if　you　are　not　tired　will　you　let　me　talk　to　you　a　little　more；　and　learn　a　little　more　about　you？〃

She　pulled　her　chair　again　nearer　him；　so　that　sitting　there　she　could　clasp　his　arm。

〃I　want　your　happiness；　dear；〃　she　said；　〃but　there　is　so　little　now　that　I　can　do　to　secure　it。　　I　must　put　that　into　other　hands。　You　are　twenty…five；　Michael；　you　are　old　enough　to　get　married。　All　Combers　marry　when　they　are　twenty…five；　don't　they？　　Isn't　there　some　girl　you　would　like　to　be　yours？　　But　you　must　love　her；　you　know；　you　must　want　her；　you　mustn't　be　able　to　do　without　her。　It　won't　do　to　marry　just　because　you　are　twenty…five。〃

It　would　no　more　have　entered　into　Michael's　head　this　morning　to　tell　to　his　mother　about　Sylvia　than　to　have　discussed　counterpoint　with　her。　　But　then　this　morning　he　had　not　been　really　aware　that　he　had　a　mother。　　But　to　tell　her　now　was　not　unthinkable；　but　inevitable。

〃Yes；　there　is　a　girl　whom　I　can't　do　without；〃　he　said。

Lady　Ashbridge's　face　lit　up。

〃Ah；　tell　me　about　hertell　me　about　her；〃　she　said。　　〃You　want　her；　you　can't　do　without　her；　that　is　the　right　wife　for　you。〃

Michael　caught　at　his　mother's　hand　as　it　stroked　his　sleeve。

〃But　she　is　not　sure　that　she　can　do　with　me；〃　he　said。

Her　face　was　not　dimmed　at　this。

〃Oh；　you　may　be　sure　she　doesn't　know　her　own　mind；〃　she　said。　〃Girls　so　often　don't。　　You　must　not　be　down…hearted　about　it。　　Who　is　she？　　Tell　me　about　her。〃

〃She's　the　sister　of　my　great　friend；　Hermann　Falbe；〃　he　said；　〃who　teaches　me　music。〃

This　time　the　gladness　faded　from　her。

〃Oh；　my　dear；　it　will　vex　your　father　again；〃　she　said；　〃that　you　should　want　to　marry　the　sister　of　a　music…teacher。　　It　will　never　do　to　vex　him　again。　　Is　she　not　a　lady？〃

Michael　laughed。

〃But　certainly　she　is；〃　he　said。　　〃Her　father　was　German；　her　mother　was　a　Tracy；　just　as　well…born　as　you　or　I。〃

〃How　odd；　then；　that　her　brother　should　have　taken　to　giving　music　lessons。　　That　does　not　sound　good。　　Perhaps　they　are　poor；　and　certainly　there　is　no　disgrace　in　being　poor。　　And　what　is　her　name？〃

〃Sylvia；〃　said　Michael。　　〃You　have　probably　heard　of　her；　she　is　the　Miss　Falbe　who　made　such　a　sensation　in　London　last　season　by　her　singing。〃

The　old　outlook；　the　old　traditions　were　beginning　to　come　to　the　surface　again　in　poor　Lady　Ashbridge's　mind。

〃Oh；　my　dear！〃　she　said。　　〃A　singer！　　That　would　vex　your　father　terribly。　　Fancy　the　daughter　o