the law and the lady-第58部分

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〃If　I　only　consulted　my　own　heart；〃　I　answered；　〃I　should　never
leave　him　again。〃

Mrs。　Macallan　looked　at　me　in　grave　surprise。

〃What　else　have　you　to　consult？〃　she　asked。

〃If　we　both　live；〃　I　repli　ed；　〃I　have　to　think　of　the　happiness
of　his　life　and　the　happiness　of　mine　in　the　years　that　are　to
come。　I　can　bear　a　great　deal；　mother；　but　I　cannot　endure　the
misery　of　his　leaving　me　for　the　second　time。〃

〃You　wrong　him；　ValeriaI　firmly　believe　you　wrong　himin
thinking　it　possible　that　he　can　leave　you　again。〃

〃Dear　Mrs。　Macallan；　have　you　forgotten　already　what　we　have　both
heard　him　say　of　me　while　we　have　been　sitting　by　his　bedside？〃

〃We　have　heard　the　ravings　of　a　man　in　delirium。　It　is　surely
hard　to　hold　Eustace　responsible　for　what　he　said　when　he　was　out
of　his　senses。〃

〃It　is　harder　still；〃　I　said；　〃to　resist　his　mother　when　she　is
pleading　for　him。　Dearest　and　best　of　friends！　I　don't　hold
Eustace　responsible　for　what　he　said　in　the　feverbut　I　_do_
take　warning　by　it。　The　wildest　words　that　fell　from　him　were；
one　and　all；　the　faithful　echo　of　what　he　said　to　me　in　the　best
days　of　his　health　and　his　strength。　What　hope　have　I　that　he
will　recover　with　an　altered　mind　toward　me？　Absence　has　not
changed　it；　suffering　has　not　changed　it。　In　the　delirium　of
fever；　and　in　the　full　possession　of　his　reason；　he　has　the　same
dreadful　doubt　of　me。　I　see　but　one　way　of　winning　him　back：　I
must　destroy　at　its　root　his　motive　for　leaving　me。　It　is
hopeless　to　persuade　him　that　I　believe　in　his　innocence：　I　must
show　him　that　belief　is　no　longer　necessary；　I　must　prove　to　him
that　his　position　toward　me　has　become　the　position　of　an
innocent　man！〃

〃Valeria！　Valeria！　you　are　wasting　time　and　words。　You　have　tried
the　experiment；　and　you　know　as　well　as　I　do　that　the　thing　is
not　to　be　done。〃

I　had　no　answer　to　that。　I　could　say　no　more　than　I　had　said
already。

〃Suppose　you　go　back　to　Dexter；　out　of　sheer　compassion　for　a　mad
and　miserable　wretch　who　has　already　insulted　you；〃　proceeded　my
mother…in…law。　〃You　can　only　go　back　accompanied　by　me；　or　by
some　other　trustworthy　person。　You　can　only　stay　long　enough　to
humor　the　creature's　wayward　fancy；　and　to　keep　his　crazy　brain
quiet　for　a　time。　That　done；　all　is　doneyou　leave　him。　Even
supposing　Dexter　to　be　still　capable　of　helping　you；　how　can　you
make　use　of　him　but　by　admitting　him　to　terms　of　confidence　and
familiarityby　treating　him；　in　short；　on　the　footing　of　an
intimate　friend？　Answer　me　honestly：　can　you　bring　yourself　to　do
that；　after　what　happened　at　Mr。　Benjamin's　house？〃

I　had　told　her　of　my　last　interview　with　Miserrimus　Dexter；　in
the　natural　confidence　that　she　inspired　in　me　as　relative　and
fellow…traveler；　and　this　was　the　use　to　which　she　turned　her
information！　I　suppose　I　had　no　right　to　blame　her；　I　suppose　the
motive　sanctioned　everything。　At　any　rate；　I　had　no　choice　but　to
give　offense　or　to　give　an　answer。　I　gave　it。　I　acknowledged　that
I　could　never　again　permit　Miserrimus　Dexter　to　treat　me　on　terms
of　familiarity　as　a　trusted　and　intimate　friend。

Mrs。　Macallan　pitilessly　pressed　the　advantage　that　she　had　won。

〃Very　well；〃　she　said；　〃that　resource　being　no　longer　open　to
you；　what　hope　is　left？　Which　way　are　you　to　turn　next？〃

There　was　no　meeting　those　questions；　in　my　present　situation；　by
any　adequate　reply。　I　felt　strangely　unlike　myselfI　submitted
in　silence。　Mrs。　Macallan　struck　the　last　blow　that　completed　her
victory。

〃My　poor　Eustace　is　weak　and　wayward；〃　she　said；　〃but　he　is　not
an　ungrateful　man。　My　child；　you　have　returned　him　good　for
evilyou　have　proved　how　faithfully　and　how　devotedly　you　love
him；　by　suffering　all　hardships　and　risking　all　dangers　for　his
sake。　Trust　me；　and　trust　him！　He　cannot　resist　you。　Let　him　see
the　dear　face　that　he　has　been　dreaming　of　looking　at　him　again
with　all　the　old　love　in　it；　and　he　is　yours　once　more；　my
daughteryours　for　life。〃　She　rose　and　touched　my　forehead　with
her　lips；　her　voice　sank　to　tones　of　tenderness　which　I　had　never
heard　from　her　yet。　〃Say　yes；　Valeria；〃　she　whispered；　〃and　be
dearer　to　me　and　dearer　to　him　than　ever！〃

My　heart　sided　with　her。　My　energies　were　worn　out。　No　letter　had
arrived　from　Mr。　Playmore　to　guide　and　to　encourage　me。　I　had
resisted　so　long　and　so　vainly；　I　had　tried　and　suffered　so　much；
I　had　met　with　such　cruel　disasters　and　such　reiterated
disappointmentsand　he　was　in　the　room　beneath　me；　feebly
finding　his　way　back　to　consciousness　and　to　lifehow　could　I
resist？　It　was　all　over。　In　saying　Yes　（if　Eustace　confirmed　his
mother's　confidence　in　him）；　I　was　saying　adieu　to　the　one
cherished　ambition；　the　one　dear　and　noble　hope　of　my　life。　I
knew　itand　I　said　Yes。

And　so　good…by　to　the　grand　struggle！　And　so　welcome　to　the　new
resignation　which　owned　that　I　had　failed。

　My　mother…in…law　and　I　slept　together　under　the　only　shelter
that　the　inn　could　offer　to　usa　sort　of　loft　at　the　top　of　the
house。　The　night　that　followed　our　conversation　was　bitterly
cold。　We　felt　the　chilly　temperature；　in　spite　of　the　protection
of　our　dressing…gowns　and　our　traveling…wrappers。　My
mother…in…law　slept；　but　no　rest　came　to　me。　I　was　too　anxious
and　too　wretched；　thinking　over　my　changed　position；　and　doubting
how　my　husband　would　receive　me；　to　be　able　to　sleep。

Some　hours；　as　I　suppose；　must　have　passed；　and　I　was　still
absorbed　in　my　own　melancholy　thoughts；　when　I　suddenly　became
conscious　of　a　new　and　strange　sensation　which　astonished　and
alarmed　me。　I　started　up　in　the　bed；　breathless　and　bewildered。
The　movement　awakened　Mrs。　Macallan。　〃Are　you　ill？〃　she　asked。
〃What　is　the　matter　with　you？〃　I　tried　to　tell　her；　as　well　as　I
could。　She　seemed　to　understand　me　before　I　had　done；　she　took　me
tenderly　in　her　arms；　and　pressed　me　to　her　bosom。　〃My　poor
innocent　child；〃　she　said；　〃is　it　possible　you　don't　know？　Must　I
really　tell　you？〃　She　whispered　her　next　words。　Shall　I　ever
forget　the　tumult　of　feelings　which　the　whisper　aroused　in
methe　strange　medley　of　joy　and　fear；　and　wonder　and　relief；
and　pride　and　humility；　which　filled　my　whole　being；　and　made　a
new　woman　of　me　from　that　moment？　Now；　for　the　first　time；　I　knew
it！　If　God　spared　me　for　a　few　months　more；　the　most　enduring　and
the　most　sacred　of　all　human　joys　might　be　minethe　joy　of　being
a　mother。

I　don't　know　how　the　rest　of　the　night　passed。　I　only　find　my
memory　again　when　the　morning　came；　and　when　I　went　out　by　myself
to　breathe　the　crisp　wintry　air　on　the　open　moor　behind　the　inn。

I　have　said　that　I　felt　like　a　new　woman。　The　morning　found　me
with　a　new　resolution　and　a　new　courage。　When　I　thought　of　the
future；　I　had　not　only　my　husband　to　consider　now。　His　good　name
was　no　longer　his　own　and　mineit　might　soon　become　the　most
precious　inheritance　that　he　could　leave　to　his　child。　What　had　I
done　while　I　was　in　ignorance　of　this？　I　had　resigned　the　hope　of
cleansing　his　name　from　the　stain　that　rested　on　ita　stain
still；　no　matter　how　little　it　might　look　in　the　eye　of　the　Law。
Our　child　might　live　to　hear　malicious　tongues　say；　〃Your　father
was　tried　for　the　vilest　of　all　murders；　and　was　never　absolutely
acquitted　of　the　charge。〃　Could　I　face　the　glorious　perils　of
childbirth　with　that　possibility　present　to　my　mind？　No！　not
until　I　had　made　one　more　effort　to　lay　the　conscience　of
Miserrimus　Dexter　bare　to　my　view！　not　until　I　had　once　again
renewed　the　struggle；　and　brought　the　truth　that　vindicated　the
husband　and　the　father　to　the　light　of　day！

I　went　back　to　the　house；　with　my　new　courage　to　sustain　me。　I
opened　my　heart　to　my　friend　and　mother；　and　told　her　frankly　of
the　change　that　had　come　over　me　since　we　had　last　spoken　of
Eustace。

She　was　more　than　disappointedshe　was　almost　offended　with　me。
The　one　thing　needful　had　happened；　she　said。　The　happiness　that
might　soon　come　to　us　would　form　a　new　tie　between　my　husband　and
me。　Every　other　consideration　but　this　she　treated　as　purely
fanciful。　If　I　left　Eustace　now；　I　did　a　heartless　thing　and　a
foolish　thing。　I　should　regret；　to　the　end　of　my　days；　having
thrown　away　the　one　golden　opportunity　of　my　married　life。

It　cost　me　a　hard　struggle；　it　oppressed　me　with　many　a　painful
doubt；　but　I　held　firm　this　time。　The　honor　of　the　father；　the
inheritance　of　the　childI　kept　these　thoughts　as　constant　ly　as
possible　before　my　mind。　Sometimes　they　failed　me；　and　left　me
nothing　better　than　a　poor　fool　who　had　some　fitful　bursts　of
crying；　and　was　always　ashamed　of　herself　afterward。　But　my
native　obstinacy　（as　Mrs。　Macallan　said）　carried　me　through。　Now
and　then　I　had　a　peep　at　Eustace；　while　he　was　asleep；　and　that
helped　me　too。　Though　they　made　my　heart　ache　and　shook　me　sadly
at　the　times　those　furtive　visits　to　my　husband　fortified　me
afterward。　I　cannot　explain　how　this　happened　（it　seems　so
contradictory）；　I　can　only　repeat　it　as　one　of　my　experiences　at
that　troubled　time。

I　made　one　concession　to　Mrs。　MacallanI　consented　to　wait　for
two　days　before　I　took　any　steps　for　returning　to　England；　on　the
chance　that　my　mind　might　change　in　the　interval。

It　was　well　for　me　that　I　yielded　so　far。　On　the　second　day　the
director　of　the　field…hospital　sent　to　the　post…office　at　our
nearest　town　for　letters　addressed　to　him　or　to　his　care。　The
messenger　brought　back　a　letter　for　me。　I　thought　I　recognized
the　handwriting；　and　I　was　right。　Mr。　Playmore's　answer　had
reached　me　at　last！

If　I　had　been　in　any　danger　of　changing　my　mind；　the　good　lawyer
would　have　saved　me　in　the　nick　of　time。　The　extract　that　follows
contains　the　pith　of　his　letter；　and　shows　how　he　encouraged　me
when　I　stood　in　sore　need　of　a　few　cheering　and　friendly　words。

〃Let　me　now　tell　you；〃　he　wrote；　〃what　I　have　done　toward
verifying　the　conclusion　to　which　your　letter　points。

〃I　have　traced　one　of　the　servants　who　was　appointed　to　keep
watch　in　the　corridor　on　the　night　when　the　first　Mrs。　Eustace
died　at　Gleninch。　The　man　perfectly　remembers　that　Miserrimus
Dexter　suddenly　appeared　before　him　and　his　fellow…servant　long
after　the　house　was　quiet　for　the　night。　Dexter　said　t