the little white bird-第30部分

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extraordinary　pride；　〃You　are　telling　the　story　to　me　quite　as

much　as　to　David；　ar'n't　you？〃　　He　was　of　an　innocence　such　as

you　shall　seldom　encounter；　and　believed　stories　at　which　even

David　blinked。　　Often　he　looked　at　me　in　quick　alarm　if　David

said　that　of　course　these　things　did　not　really　happen；　and

unable　to　resist　that　appeal　I　would　reply　that　they　really　did。　

I　never　saw　him　irate　except　when　David　was　still　sceptical；　but

then　he　would　say　quite　warningly　〃He　says　it　is　true；　so　it　must

be　true。〃　　This　brings　me　to　that　one　of　his　qualities；　which　at

once　gratified　and　pained　me；　his　admiration　for　myself。　　His

eyes；　which　at　times　had　a　rim　of　red；　were　ever　fixed　upon　me

fondly　except　perhaps　when　I　told　him　of　Porthos　and　said　that

death　alone　could　have　kept　him　so　long　from　my　side。　　Then

Paterson's　sympathy　was　such　that　he　had　to　look　away。　　He　was

shy　of　speaking　of　himself　so　I　asked　him　no　personal　questions；

but　concluded　that　his　upbringing　must　have　been　lonely；　to

account　for　his　ignorance　of　affairs；　and　loveless；　else　how

could　he　have　felt　such　a　drawing　to　me？



I　remember　very　well　the　day　when　the　strange；　and　surely

monstrous；　suspicion　first　made　my　head　tingle。　　We　had　been

blown；　the　three　of　us；　to　my　rooms　by　a　gust　of　rain；　it　was

also；　I　think；　the　first　time　Paterson　had　entered　them。　　〃Take

the　sofa；　Mr。　Paterson；〃　I　said；　as　I　drew　a　chair　nearer　to　the

fire；　and　for　the　moment　my　eyes　were　off　him。　　Then　I　saw　that；

before　sitting　down　on　the　sofa；　he　was　spreading　the　day's　paper

over　it。　　〃Whatever　makes　you　do　that？〃　I　asked；　and　he　started

like　one　bewildered　by　the　question；　then　went　white　and　pushed

the　paper　aside。



David　had　noticed　nothing；　but　I　was　strangely　uncomfortable；

and；　despite　my　efforts　at　talk；　often　lapsed　into　silence；　to　be

roused　from　it　by　a　feeling　that　Paterson　was　looking　at　me

covertly。　　Pooh！　　what　vapours　of　the　imagination　were　these。　　I

blew　them　from　me；　and　to　prove　to　myself；　so　to　speak；　that　they

were　dissipated；　I　asked　him　to　see　David　home。　　As　soon　as　I　was

alone；　I　flung　me　down　on　the　floor　laughing；　then　as　quickly

jumped　up　and　was　after　them；　and　very　sober　too；　for　it　was　come

to　me　abruptly　as　an　odd　thing　that　Paterson　had　set　off　without

asking　where　David　lived。



Seeing　them　in　front　of　me；　I　crossed　the　street　and　followed。

They　were　walking　side　by　side　rather　solemnly；　and　perhaps

nothing　remarkable　happened　until　they　reached　David's　door。　　I

say　perhaps；　for　something　did　occur。　　A　lady；　who　has　several

pretty　reasons　for　frequenting　the　Gardens；　recognised　David　in

the　street；　and　was　stooping　to　address　him；　when　Paterson　did

something　that　alarmed　her。　　I　was　too　far　off　to　see　what　it

was；　but　had　he　growled　〃Hands　off！〃　she　could　not　have　scurried

away　more　precipitately。　　He　then　ponderously　marched　his　charge

to　the　door；　where；　assuredly；　he　did　a　strange　thing。　　Instead

of　knocking　or　ringing；　he　stood　on　the　step　and　called　out

sharply；　〃Hie；　hie；　hie！〃　until　the　door　was　opened。



The　whimsy；　for　it　could　be　nothing　more；　curtailed　me　of　my

sleep　that　night；　and　you　may　picture　me　trying　both　sides　of　the

pillow。



I　recalled　other　queer　things　of　Paterson；　and　they　came　back　to

me　charged　with　new　meanings。　　There　was　his　way　of　shaking

hands。　He　now　did　it　in　the　ordinary　way；　but　when　first　we　knew

him　his　arm　had　described　a　circle；　and　the　hand　had　sometimes

missed　mine　and　come　heavily　upon　my　chest　instead。　　His　walk；

again；　might　more　correctly　have　been　called　a　waddle。



There　were　his　perfervid　thanks。　　He　seldom　departed　without

thanking　me　with　an　intensity　that　was　out　of　proportion　to　the

little　I　had　done　for　him。　　In　the　Gardens；　too；　he　seemed　ever

to　take　the　sward　rather　than　the　seats；　perhaps　a　wise

preference；　but　he　had　an　unusual　way　of　sitting　down。　　I　can

describe　it　only　by　saying　that　he　let　go　of　himself　and　went

down　with　a　thud。



I　reverted　to　the　occasion　when　he　lunched　with　me　at　the　Club。

We　had　cutlets；　and　I　noticed　that　he　ate　his　in　a　somewhat

finicking　manner；　yet　having　left　the　table　for　a　moment　to

consult　the　sweets…card；　I　saw；　when　I　returned；　that　there　was

now　no　bone　on　his　plate。　　The　waiters　were　looking　at　him　rather

curiously。



David　was　very　partial　to　him；　but　showed　it　in　a　somewhat

singular　manner；　used　to　pat　his　head；　for　instance。　　I

remembered；　also；　that　while　David　shouted　to　me　or　Irene　to

attract　our　attention；　he　usually　whistled　to　Paterson；　he　could

not　explain　why。



These　ghosts　made　me　to　sweat　in　bed；　not　merely　that　night；　but

often　when　some　new　shock　brought　them　back　in　force；　yet；

unsupported；　they　would　have　disturbed　me　little　by　day。　　Day；

however；　had　its　reflections；　and　they　came　to　me　while　I　was

shaving；　that　ten　minutes　when；　brought　face　to　face　with　the

harsher　realities　of　life；　we　see　things　most　clearly　as　they

are。　Then　the　beautiful　nature　of　Paterson　loomed　offensively；

and　his　honest　eyes　insulted　over　me。　　No　one　come　to　nigh　twenty

years　had　a　right　to　such　faith　in　his　fellow…creatures。　　He

could　not　backbite；　nor　envy；　nor　prevaricate；　nor　jump　at　mean

motives　for　generous　acts。　　He　had　not　a　single　base　story　about

women。　　It　all　seemed　inhuman。



What　creatures　we　be！　　I　was　more　than　half　ashamed　of　Paterson's

faith　in　me；　but　when　I　saw　it　begin　to　shrink　I　fought　for　it。

An　easy　task；　you　may　say；　but　it　was　a　hard　one；　for　gradually　a

change　had　come　over　the　youth。　　I　am　now　arrived　at　a　time　when

the　light…heartedness　had　gone　out　of　him；　he　had　lost　his　zest

for　fun；　and　dubiety　sat　in　the　eyes　that　were　once　so　certain。

He　was　not　doubtful　of　me；　not　then；　but　of　human　nature　in

general；　that　whilom　noble　edifice　was　tottering。　　He　mixed　with

boys　in　the　Gardens；　ah；　mothers；　it　is　hard　to　say；　but　how

could　he　retain　his　innocence　when　he　had　mixed　with　boys？　　He

heard　your　talk　of　yourselves；　and　so；　ladies；　that　part　of　the

edifice　went　down。　　I　have　not　the　heart　to　follow　him　in　all　his

discoveries。　　Sometimes　he　went　in　flame　at　them；　but　for　the

most　part　he　stood　looking　on；　bewildered　and　numbed；　like　one

moaning　inwardly。



He　saw　all；　as　one　fresh　to　the　world；　before　he　had　time　to

breathe　upon　the　glass。　　So　would　your　child　be；　madam；　if　born

with　a　man's　powers；　and　when　disillusioned　of　all　else；　he　would

cling　for　a　moment　longer　to　you；　the　woman　of　whom；　before　he

saw　you；　he　had　heard　so　much。　　How　you　would　strive　to　cheat

him；　even　as　I　strove　to　hide　my　real　self　from　Paterson；　and

still　you　would　strive　as　I　strove　after　you　knew　the　game　was

up。



The　sorrowful　eyes　of　Paterson　stripped　me　bare。　　There　were　days

when　I　could　not　endure　looking　at　him；　though　surely　I　have　long

ceased　to　be　a　vain　man。　　He　still　met　us　in　the　Gardens；　but　for

hours　he　and　I　would　be　together　without　speaking。　　It　was　so

upon　the　last　day；　one　of　those　innumerable　dreary　days　when

David；　having　sneezed　the　night　before；　was　kept　at　home　in

flannel；　and　I　sat　alone　with　Paterson　on　the　Story…seat。　　At

last　I　turned　to　address　him。　　Never　had　we　spoken　of　what

chained　our　tongues；　and　I　meant　only　to　say　now　that　we　must　go；

for　soon　the　gates　would　close；　but　when　I　looked　at　him　I　saw

that　he　was　more　mournful　than　ever　before；　he　shut　his　eyes　so

tightly　that　a　drop　of　blood　fell　from　them。



〃It　was　all　over；　Paterson；　long　ago；〃　I　broke　out　harshly；　〃why

do　we　linger？〃



He　beat　his　hands　together　miserably；　and　yet　cast　me　appealing

looks　that　had　much　affection　in　them。



〃You　expected　too　much　of　me；〃　I　told　him；　and　he　bowed　his　head。

〃I　don't　know　where　you　brought　your　grand　ideas　of　men　and　women

from。　　I　don't　want　to　know；〃　I　added　hastily。



〃But　it　must　have　been　from　a　prettier　world　than　this；〃　I　said：

〃are　you　quite　sure　that　you　were　wise　in　leaving　it？〃



He　rose　and　sat　down　again。　　〃I　wanted　to　know　you；〃　he　replied

slowly；　〃I　wanted　to　be　like　you。〃



〃And　now　you　know　me；〃　I　said；　〃do　you　want　to　be　like　me　still？

I　am　a　curious　person　to　attach　oneself　to；　Paterson；　don't　you

see　that　even　David　often　smiles　at　me　when　he　thinks　he　is

unobserved。　　I　work　very　hard　to　retain　that　little　boy's　love；

but　I　shall　lose　him　soon；　even　now　I　am　not　what　I　was　to　him；

in　a　year　or　two　at　longest；　Paterson；　David　will　grow　out　of

me。〃



The　poor　fellow　shot　out　his　hand　to　me；　but　〃No；〃　said　I；　〃you

have　found　me　out。　　Everybody　finds　me　out　except　my　dog；　and

that　is　why　the　loss　of　him　makes　such　a　difference　to　me。　　Shall

we　go；　Paterson？〃



He　would　not　come　with　me；　and　I　left　him　on　the　seat；　when　I　was

far　away　I　looked　back；　and　he　was　still　sitting　there　forlornly。



For　long　I　could　not　close　my　ears　that　night：　I　lay　listening；　I

knew　not　what　for。　　A　scare　was　on　me　that　made　me　dislike　the

dark；　and　I　switched　on　the　light　and　slept　at　last。　　I　was

roused　by　a　great　to…do　in　the　early　morning；　servants　knocking

excitedly；　and　my　door　opened；　and　the　dear　Porthos　I　had　mourned

so　long　tore　in。　　They　had　heard　his　bark；　but　whence　he　came　no

one　knew。



He　was　in　excellent　condition；　and　after　he　had　leaped　upon　me

from　all　points　I　flung　him　on　the　floor　by　a　trick　I　know；　and

lay　down　beside　him；　while　he　put　his　protecting　arm　round　me　and

looked　at　me　with　the　old　adoring　eyes。



But　we　never　saw　Paterson　again。　　You　may　think　as　you　choose。





XXII



Joey



Wise　children　always　choose　a　mother　who　was　a　shocking　flirt　in

her　maiden　days；　and　so　had　several　offers　before　she　accepted

their　fortunate　papa。　　The　reason　they　do　this　is　because　every

offer　refused　by　their　mother　means　another　pantomime　to　them。

You　see　you　can't　trust　to　your　father's　taking　you　to　the

pantomime；　but　you　can　trust　to　every　one　of　the　poor　frenzied