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then；　telling　me　no　one　played　the　fool　in　Elysium；　bid　me　go

back　again。〃





CHAPTER　XIX



Julian　appears　in　the　character　of　a　beggar。



〃I　now　returned　to　Rome；　and　was　born　into　a　very　poor　and

numerous　family；　which；　to　be　honest　with　you；　procured　its

livelihood　by　begging。　　This；　if　you　was　never　yourself　of　the

calling；　you　do　not　know；　I　suppose；　to　be　as　regular　a　trade　as

any　other；　to　have　its　several　rules　and　secrets；　or　mysteries；

which　to　learn　require　perhaps　as　tedious　an　apprenticeship　as

those　of　any　craft　whatever。



〃The　first　thing　we　are　taught　is　the　countenance　miserable。　

This　indeed　nature　makes　much　easier　to　some　than　others；　but

there　are　none　who　cannot　accomplish　it；　if　they　begin　early

enough　in　youth；　and　before　the　muscles　are　grown　too　stubborn。



〃The　second　thing　is　the　voice　lamentable。　　In　this　qualification

too；　nature　must　have　her　share　in　producing　the　most　consummate

excellence：　　however；　art　will　here；　as　in　every　other　instance；

go　a　great　way　with　industry　and　application；　even　without　the

assistance　of　genius；　especially　if　the　student　begins　young。



〃There　are　many　other　instructions；　but　these　are　the　most

considerable。　　The　women　are　taught　one　practice　more　than　the

men；　for　they　are　instructed　in　the　art　of　crying；　that　is；　to

have　their　tears　ready　on　all　occasions：　　but　this　is　attained

very　easily　by　most。　　Some　indeed　arrive　at　the　utmost　perfection

in　this　art　with　incredible　facility。



〃No　profession　requires　a　deeper　insight　into　human　nature　than

the　beggar's。　　Their　knowledge　of　the　passions　of　men　is　so

extensive；　that　I　have　often　thought　it　would　be　of　no　little

service　to　a　politician　to　have　his　education　among　them。　　Nay；

there　is　a　much　greater　analogy　between　these　two　characters　than

is　imagined；　for　both　concur　in　their　first　and　grand　principle；

it　being　equally　their　business　to　delude　and　impose　on　mankind。　

It　must　be　confessed　that　they　differ　widely　in　the　degree　of

advantage　which　they　make　by　their　deceit；　for；　whereas　the

beggar　is　contented　with　a　little；　the　politician　leaves　but　a

little　behind。



〃A　very　great　English　philosopher　hath　remarked　our　policy；　in

taking　care　never　to　address　any　one　with　a　title　inferior　to

what　he　really　claims。　　My　father　was　of　the　same　opinion；　for　I

remember　when　I　was　a　boy；　the　pope　happening　to　pass　by；　I

tended　him　with　'Pray；　sir；'　'For　God's　sake；　sir；'　　'For　the

Lord's　sake；　sir；'To　which　he　answered　gravely；　'Sirrah；

sirrah；　you　ought　to　be　whipped　for　taking　the　Lord's　name　in

vain；'　and　in　vain　it　was　indeed；　for　he　gave　me　nothing。　　My

father；　overhearing　this；　took　his　advice；　and　whipped　me　very

severely。　　While　I　was　under　correction　I　promised　often　never　to

take　the　Lord's　name　in　vain　any　more。　　My　father　then　said；

'Child；　I　do　not　whip　you　for　taking　his　name　in　vain；　I　whip　you

for　not　calling　the　pope　his　holiness。'



〃If　all　men　were　so　wise　and　good　to　follow　the　clergy's　example；

the　nuisance　of　beggars　would　soon　be　removed。　　I　do　not　remember

to　have　been　above　twice　relieved　by　them　during　my　whole　state

of　beggary。　　Once　was　by　a　very　well…looking　man；　who　gave　me　a

small　piece　of　silver；　and　declared　he　had　given　me　more　than　he

had　left　himself；　the　other　was　by　a　spruce　young　fellow；　who　had

that　very　day　first　put　on　his　robes；　whom　I　attended　with　'Pray；

reverend　sir；　good　reverend　sir；　consider　your　cloth。'　　He

answered；　'I　do；　child；　consider　my　office；　and　I　hope　all　our

cloth　do　the　same。'　　He　then　threw　down　some　money；　and　strutted

off　with　great　dignity。　　



〃With　the　women　I　had　one　general　formulary：　　'Sweet　pretty

lady；'　'God　bless　your　ladyship；'　'God　bless　your　handsome　face。'

This　generally　succeeded；　but　I　observed　the　uglier　the　woman

was；　the　surer　I　was　of　success。



〃It　was　a　constant　maxim　among　us；　that　the　greater　retinue　any

one　traveled　with　the　less　expectation　we　might　promise　ourselves

from　them；　but　whenever　we　saw　a　vehicle　with　a　single　or　no

servant　we　imagined　our　booty　sure；　and　were　seldom　deceived。



〃We　observed　great　difference　introduced　by　time　and　circumstance

in　the　same　person；　for　instance；　a　losing　gamester　is　sometimes

generous；　but　from　a　winner　you　will　as　easily　obtain　his　soul　as

a　single　groat。　　A　lawyer　traveling　from　his　country　seat　to　his

clients　at　Rome；　and　a　physician　going　to　visit　a　patient；　were

always　worth　asking；　but　the　same　on　their　return　were　（according

to　our　cant　phrase）　untouchable。　　



〃The　most　general；　and　indeed　the　truest；　maxim　among　us　was；

that　those　who　possessed　the　least　were　always　the　readiest　to

give。　　The　chief　art　of　a　beggar…man　is；　therefore；　to　discern

the　rich　from　the　poor；　which；　though　it　be　only　distinguishing

substance　from　shadow；　is　by　no　means　attainable　without　a　pretty

good　capacity　and　a　vast　degree　of　attention；　for　these　two　are

eternally　industrious　in　endeavoring　to　counterfeit　each　other。　

In　this　deceit　the　poor　man　is　more　heartily　in　earnest　to

deceive　you　than　the　rich；　who；　amidst　all　the　emblems　of　poverty

which　he　puts　on；　still　permits　some　mark　of　his　wealth　to　strike

the　eye。　　Thus；　while　his　apparel　is　not　worth　a　groat；　his

finger　wears　a　ring　of　value；　or　his　pocket　a　gold　watch。　　In　a

word；　he　seems　rather　to　affect　poverty　to　insult　than　impose　on

you。　　Now　the　poor　man；　on　the　contrary；　is　very　sincere　in　his

desire　of　passing　for　rich；　but　the　eagerness　of　this　desire

hurries　him　to　over…act　his　part；　and　he　betrays　himself　as　one

who　is　drunk　by　his　overacted　sobriety。　　Thus；　instead　of　being

attended　by　one　servant　well　mounted；　he　will　have　two；　and；　not

being　able　to　purchase　or　maintain　a　second　horse　of　value；　one

of　his　servants　at　least　is　mounted　on　a　hired　rascallion。　　He　is

not　contented　to　go　plain　and　neat　in　his　clothes；　he　therefore

claps　on　some　tawdry　ornament；　and　what　he　adds　to　the　fineness

of　his　vestment　he　detracts　from　the　fineness　of　his　linen。　

Without　descending　into　more　minute　particulars；　I　believe　I　may

assert　it　as　an　axiom　of　indubitable　truth；　that　whoever　shows

you　he　is　either　in　himself　or　his　equipage　as　gaudy　as　he　can；

convinces　you　he　is　more　so　than　he　can　afford。　　Now；　whenever　a

man's　expense　exceeds　his　income；　he　is　indifferent　in　the

degree；　we　had　therefore　nothing　more　to　do　with　such　than　to

flatter　them　with　their　wealth　and　splendor；　and　were　always

certain　of　success。



〃There　is；　indeed；　one　kind　of　rich　man　who　is　commonly　more

liberal；　namely；　where　riches　surprise　him；　as　it　were；　in　the

midst　of　poverty　and　distress；　the　consequence　of　which　is；　I

own；　sometimes　excessive　avarice；　but　oftener　extreme

prodigality。　　I　remember　one　of　these　who；　having　received　a

pretty　large　sum　of　money；　gave　me；　when　I　begged　an　obolus；　a

whole　talent；　on　which　his　friend　having　reproved　him；　he

answered；　with　an　oath；　'Why　not？　　Have　I　not　fifty　left？'



〃The　life　of　a　beggar；　if　men　estimated　things　by　their　real

essence；　and　not　by　their　outward　false　appearance；　would　be；

perhaps；　a　more　desirable　situation　than　any　of　those　which

ambition　persuades　us；　with　such　difficulty；　danger；　and　often

villainy；　to　aspire　to。　　The　wants　of　a　beggar　are　commonly　as

chimerical　as　the　abundance　of　a　nobleman；　for　besides　vanity；

which　a　judicious　beggar　will　always　apply　to　with　wonderful

efficacy；　there　are　in　reality　very　few　natures　so　hardened　as

not　to　compassionate　poverty　and　distress；　when　the　predominancy

of　some　other　passion　doth　not　prevent　them。



〃There　is　one　happiness　which　attends　money　got　with　ease；

namely；　that　it　is　never　hoarded；　otherwise；　as　we　have　frequent

opportunities　of　growing　rich；　that　canker　care　might　prey　upon

our　quiet；　as　it　doth　on　others；　but　our　money　stock　we　spend　as

fast　as　we　acquire　it；　usually　at　least；　for　I　speak　not　without

exception；　thus　it　gives　us　mirth　only；　and　no　trouble。　　Indeed；

the　luxury　of　our　lives　might　introduce　diseases；　did　not　our

daily　exercise　prevent　them。　　This　gives　us　an　appetite　and

relish　for　our　dainties；　and　at　the　same　time　an　antidote　against

the　evil　effects　which　sloth；　united　with　luxury；　induces　on　the

habit　of　a　human　body。　　Our　women　we　enjoy　with　ecstasies　at

least　equal　to　what　the　greatest　men　feel　in　their　embraces。　　I

can；　I　am　assured；　say　of　myself；　that　no　mortal　could　reap　more

perfect　happiness　from　the　tender　passion　than　my　fortune　had

decreed　me。　　I　married　a　charming　young　woman　for　love；　she　was

the　daughter　of　a　neighboring　beggar；　who；　with　an　improvidence

too　often　seen；　spent　a　very　large　income　which　he　procured　by

his　profession；　so　that　he　was　able　to　give　her　no　fortune　down；

however；　at　his　death　he　left　her　a　very　well　accustomed

begging…hut；　situated　on　the　side　of　a　steep　hill；　where

travelers　could　not　immediately　escape　from　us；　and　a　garden

adjoining；　being　the　twenty…eighth　part　of　an　acre；　well　planted。



She　made　the　best　of　wives；　bore　me　nineteen　children；　and　never

failed；　unless　on　her　lying…in；　which　generally　lasted　three

days；　to　get　my　supper　ready　against　my　return　home　in　an

evening；　this　being　my　favorite　meal；　and　at　which　I；　as　well　as

my　whole　family；　greatly　enjoyed　ourselves；　the　principal　subject

of　our　discourse　being　generally　the　boons　we　had　that　day

obtained；　on　which　occasions；　laughing　at　the　folly　of　the　donors

made　no　inconsiderable　part　of　the　entertainment；　for；　whatever

might　be　their　motive　for　giving；　we　constantly　imputed　our

success　to　our　having　flattered　their　vanity；　or　overreached

their　understanding。



〃But　perhaps　I　have　dwelt　too　long　on　this　character；　I　shall

conclude；　therefore；　with　telling　you　that　after　a　life　of　102

years'　continuance；　during　all　which　I　had　never　known　any

sickness　or　infirmity　but　that　which　old　age　necessarily　induced；

I　at　last；　without　th