the filigree ball-第47部分

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to　another　while　he　lived。　　He　would　yet　appear　and　I　should　need
thus　great　assistance　（great　enough　to　be　transmitted　from　father　to
son）　as　none　of　the　Moores　had　needed　it　yet；　though　what　it　was　I
did　not　know　and　did　not　even　try　to　guess。

〃Yet　when　I　got　to　the　room　I　did　not　drag　out　the　filigree　ball　at
once　nor　even　take　more　than　one　fearful　side…long　look　at　the
picture。　　In　drawing　off　my　glove　I　had　seen　his　ring　…　the　ring　you
had　once　asked　about。　　It　was　such　a　cheap　affair；　the　only　one　he
could　get　in　that　obscure　little　town　where　we　were　married。　　I
lied　when　you　asked　me　if　it　was　a　family　jewel；　lied　but　did　not
take　it　off；　perhaps　because　it　clung　so　tightly；　as　if　in
remembrance　of　the　vows　it　symbolized。　　But　now　the　very　sight　of
it　gave　me　a　fright。　　With　his　ring　on　my　finger　I　could　not　defy
him　and　swear　his　claim　to　be　false　the　dream　of　a　man　maddened　by
his　experiences　in　the　Klondike。　　It　must　come　off。　　Then；　perhaps；
I　should　feel　myself　a　free　woman。　　But　it　would　not　come　off。　　I
struggled　with　it　and　tugged　in　vain；　then　I　bethought　me　of　using
a　nail　file　to　sever　it。　　This　I　did；　grinding　and　grinding　at　it
till　the　ring　finally　broke；　and　I　could　wrench　it　off　and　cast　it
away　out　of　sight　and；　as　I　hoped；　out　of　my　memory　also。　　I
breathed　easier　when　rid　of　this　token；　yet　choked　with　terror
whenever　a　step　approached　the　door。　　I　was　clad　in　my　bridal　dress；
but　not　in　my　bridal　veil　or　ornaments；　and　naturally　Cora；　and
then　my　maid；　came　to　assist　me。　　But　I　would　not　let　them　in。　　I
was　set　upon　testing　the　secret　of　the　filigree　ball　and　so
preparing　myself　for　what　my　conscience　told　me　lay　between　me　and
the　ceremony　arranged　for　high　noon。

〃I　did　not　guess　that　the　studying　out　of　that　picture　would　take
so　long。　　The　contents　of　the　ball　turned　out　to　be　a　small
magnifying…glass；　and　the　picture　a　maze　of　written　words。　　I　did
not　decipher　it　all；　I　did　not　decipher　the　half。　　I　did　not　need
to。　　A　spirit　of　divination　was　given　me　in　that　awful　hour　which
enabled　me　to　grasp　its　full　meaning　from　the　few　sentences　I　did
pick　out。　　And　that　meaning！　　It　was　horrible；　inconceivable。
Murder　was　taught；　but　murder　from　a　distance；　and　by　an　act　too
simple　to　awake　revulsion。　　Were　the　wraiths　of　my　two　ancestors
who　had　played　with　the　spring　hidden　in　the　depths　of　this　old
closet；　drawn　up　in　mockery　beside　me　during　the　hour　when　I　stood
spellbound　in　the　middle　of　the　floor；　thinking　of　what　I　had　just
read；　and　listening　…　listening　for　something　less　loud　than　the
sound　of　carriages　now　beginning　to　roll　up　in　front　or　the　stray
notes　of　the　band　tuning　up　below？　…　less　loud；　but　meaning　what？
A　step　into　the　empty　closet　yawning　so　near　…　an　effort　with　a
drawer　…　a　…　a　…　　Do　not　ask　me　to　recall　it。　　I　did　not　shudder
when　the　moment　came　and　I　stood　there。　　Then　I　was　cold　as　marble。
But　I　shudder　now　in　thinking　of　it　till　soul　and　body　seem
separating；　and　the　horror　which　envelopes　me　gives　me　such　a
foretaste　of　hell　that　I　wonder　I　can　contemplate　the　deed　which；
if　it　releases　me　from　this　earthly　anguish；　will　only　plunge　me
into　a　possibly　worse　hereafter。　　Yet　I　shall　surely　take　my　life
before　you　see　me　again；　and　in　that　old　house。　　If　it　is　despair
I　feel；　then　despair　will　take　me　there。　　If　it　is　repentance；
then　repentance　will　suffice　to　drive　me　to　the　one　expiation
possible　to　me　…　to　perish　where　I　caused　an　innocent　man　to
perish；　and　so　relieve　you　of　a　wife　who　was　never　worthy　of　you
and　whom　it　would　be　your　duty　to　denounce　if　she　let　another　sun
rise　upon　her　guilt。

〃I　did　not　stand　there　long　between　the　wraiths　of　my　murderous
ancestors。　　A　message　was　shouted　through　the　door　…　the　message　for
which　my　ears　had　been　strained　in　dreadful　anticipation　for　the
last　two　hours。　　A　man　named　Pfeiffer　wanted　to　see　me　before　I
went　down　to　be　married。　　A　man　named　Pfeiffer！

〃I　looked　closely　at　the　boy　who　delivered　this　message。　　He　showed
no　excitement；　nor　any　feeling　greater　than　impatience　at　being　kept
waiting　a　minute　or　so　at　the　door。　　Then　I　glanced　beyond　him；　at
the　people　chatting　in　the　hall。　　No　alarm　there；　nothing　but　a　very
natural　surprise　that　the　bride　should　keep　so　big　a　crowd　waiting。
I　felt　that　this　fixed　the　event。　　He　who　had　sent　me　this　quiet
message　was　true　to　himself　and　to　our　old　compact。　　He　had　not
published　below　what　would　have　set　the　house　in　an　uproar　in　a
moment。　　He　had　left　his　secret　to　be　breathed　into　my　ear　alone。
I　could　recall　the　moment　he　passed　me　his　word；　and　his　firm　look
as　he　said；　with　his　hand　lifted　to　Heaven　'You　have　been　good　to
me　and　given　me　your　precious　self　while　I　was　poor　and　a　nobody。
In　return；　I　swear　to　keep　our　marriage　a　secret　till　great　success
shows　me　to　be　worthy　of　you　or　till　you　with　your　own　lips　express
forgiveness　of　my　failure　and　grant　me　leave　to　speak。　　Nothing　but
death　or　your　permission　shall　ever　unseal　my　lips。'　　When　I　heard
that　he　was　dead　I　feared　lest　he　might　have　spoken；　but　now　that
I　had　seen　him　alive；　I　knew　that　in　no　other　breast；　save　his；　my
own　and　that　of　the　unknown　minister　in　an　almost　unknown　town；
dwelt　any　knowledge　of　the　fact　which　stood　between　me　and　the
marriage　which　all　these　people　had　come　here　to　see。　　My　confidence
in　his　rectitude　determined　me。　　Without　conscious　emotion；　without
fear　even；　…　the　ending　of　suspense　had　ended　all　that；　…　I　told
the　boy　to　seat　the　gentleman　in　the　library。　　Then　〃I　am　haunted
now；　I　am　haunted　always；　by　one　vision；　horrible　but　persistent。
It　will　not　leave　me；　it　rises　between　us　now；　it　has　stood　between
us　ever　since　I　left　that　house　with　the　seal　of　your　affection　on
my　lips。　　Last　night　it　terrified　me　into　unconscious　speech。　　I
dreamed　that　I　saw　again；　and　plainly；　what　I　caught　but　a　shadowy
glimpse　of　in　that　murderous　hour：　a　man's　form　seated　at　the　end
of　the　old　settle；　with　his　head　leaning　back；　in　silent
contemplation。　　His　face　was　turned　the　other　way　…　I　thanked　God
for　that　…　no；　I　did　not　thank　God；　I　never　thought　of　God　in　that
moment　of　my　blind　feeling　about　for　a　chink　and　a　spring　in　the
wall。　　I　thought　only　of　your　impatience；　and　the　people　waiting；
and　the　pleasure　of　days　to　come　when；　free　from　this　intolerable
bond；　I　could　keep　my　place　at　your　side　and　bear　your　name
unreproved　and　taste　to　the　full　the　awe　and　delight　of　a　passion
such　as　few　women　ever　feel；　because　few　women　were　ever　loved　by
a　man　like　you。　　Had　my　thoughts　been　elsewhere；　my　fingers　might
have　forgotten　to　fumble　along　that　wall；　and　I　had　been　simply
wretched　to…day；　…　and　innocent。　　Innocent！　　O；　where　in　God's
universe　can　I　be　made　innocent　again　and　fit　to　look　in　your　face
and　to　love　…　heart…breaking　thought　…　even　to　love　you　again？

〃To　turn　and　turn　a　miserable　crank　after　those　moments　of　frenzied
action　and　silence　that　was　the　hard　part…that　was　what　tried　my
nerve　and　first　robbed　me　of　calmness。　　But　I　dared　not　leave　that
fearful　thing　dangling　there；　I　had　to　wind。　　The　machinery　squeaked；
and　its　noise　seemed　to　fill　the　house；　but　no　one　came　nor　did　the
door　below　open。　　Sometimes　I　have　wished　that　it　had。　　I　should　not
then　have　been　lured　on　and　you　would　not　have　become　involved　in
my　ruin。

〃I　have　heard　many　say　that　I　looked　radiant　when　I　came　down　to　be
married。　　The　radiance　was　in　their　thoughts。　　Or　if　my　face　did
shine；　and　if　I　moved　as　if　treading　on　air；　it　was　because　I　had
triumphed　over　all　difficulties　and　could　pass　down　to　the　altar
without　fear　of　that　interrupting　voice　crying　out：　‘I　forbid！　　She
is　mine！　　The　wife　of　William　Pfeiffer　can　not　wed　another！'　　No
such　words　could　be　dreaded　now。　　The　lips　which　might　have　spoken
them　were　dumb。　　I　forgot　that　fleshless　lips　gibber　loudest；　and
that　a　lifetime；　long　or　short；　lay　before　me；　in　which　to　hear
them　mumble　and　squeak　their　denunciation　and　threats。　　Oh；　but　I
have　been　wretched！　　At　ball　and　dinner　and　dance　those　lips　have
been　ever　at　my　ear；　but　most　when　we　have　sat　alone　together；　most
then；　Oh；　most　then！

〃He　is　avenged；　but　you！　　Who　will　avenge　you；　and　where　will　you
ever　find　happiness？

〃To　blot　myself　from　your　memory　I　would　go　down　deeper　into　the
vale　of　suffering　than　ever　I　have　gone　yet。　　But　no；　no！　　do　not
quite　forget　me。　　Remember　me　as　you　saw　me　one　night　…　the　night
you　took　the　flower　out　of　my　hair　and　kissed　it；　saying　that
Washington　held　many　beautiful　women；　but　that　none　of　them　save
myself　had　ever　had　the　power　to　move　your　inmost　heart…strings。
Ah；　low　was　your　voice　and　eloquent　your　eyes　that　hour；　and　I
forgot；　…　for　a　moment　I　forgot　…　everything　but　this　pure　love；
and　the　heartbeat　it　called　up　and　the　hope；　never　to　be　realized
　…　that　I　should　live　to　hear　you　repeat　the　same　sweet　words　in
our　old　age；　in　just　such　a　tone　and　with　just　such　a　look。　　I
was　innocent　at　that　moment；　innocent　and　good。　　I　am　willing
that　you　should　remember　me　as　I　was　that　night。

〃When　I　think　of　him　lying　cold　and　dead　in　the　grave　I　myself
dug　for　him；　my　heart　is　like　stone；　but　when　I　think　of　you　…

〃I　am　afraid　to　die；　but　I　am　more　afraid　of　failing　in　courage。
I　shall　have　the　pistol　tied　to　me；　this　will　make　it　seem
inevitable　to　use　it。　　Oh！　　that　the　next　twenty…four　hours　could
be　blotted　out　of　time！　　Such　horror　can　not　be。　　I　was　born　for
joy　and　gaiety；　yet　no　dismal　depth　of　misery　and　fear　has　been
spared　me！　　But　all　on　account　of　my　own　act。　　I　do　not　accuse
God；　I　do　not　accuse　man；　I　only　accuse　myself；　and　my　thoughtless
grasping　after　pleasure。

〃I　want　Cora　to　read　this　as　well　as　you。　　She　must　know　me　dead　as
she　never　knew　me　living。　　But　I　can　not　tell　her　that　I　have　left
a　confession　behind　me。　　She　must　come　upon　it　unexpectedly；　just
as　I　mean　you　to　do。　　Only　thus　can　it　reach　either　of　you　with　any
power。　　If　I　could　but　think　of　some　excuse　for　sending　her　to　the
book　where　I　propose　to　hide　it！　　that　would　give　her　a　chance　of
reading　it　before　you　do；　and　this　would　be　best。　　She　may　know　how
to　prepare　or　comfort　you　…　I　hope　so。　　Cora　is　a　noble