letters of two brides-第18部分

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of　a　mistress　to　the　position　of　a　wife；　and　you　have　almost　made　me
blush　for　my　device。　Who　shall　say　which　of　us　is　right；　which　is
wrong？　Perhaps　we　are　both　right　and　both　wrong。　Perhaps　this　is　the
heavy　price　which　society　exacts　for　our　furbelows；　our　titles；　and
our　children。

I　too　have　my　red　camellias；　but　they　bloom　on　my　lips　in　smiles　for
my　double　chargethe　father　and　the　sonwhose　slave　and　mistress　I
am。　But；　my　dear；　your　last　letters　made　me　feel　what　I　have　lost！　You
have　taught　me　all　a　woman　sacrifices　in　marrying。　One　single　glance
did　I　take　at　those　beautiful　wild　plateaus　where　you　range　at　your
sweet　will；　and　I　will　not　tell　you　the　tears　that　fell　as　I　read。　But
regret　is　not　remorse；　though　it　may　be　first　cousin　to　it。

You　say；　〃Marriage　has　made　you　a　philosopher！〃　Alas！　bitterly　did　I
feel　how　far　this　was　from　the　truth；　as　I　wept　to　think　of　you　swept
away　on　love's　torrent。　But　my　father　has　made　me　read　one　of　the
profoundest　thinkers　of　these　parts；　the　man　on　whom　the　mantle　of
Boussuet　has　fallen；　one　of　those　hard…headed　theorists　whose　words
force　conviction。　While　you　were　reading　/Corinne/；　I　conned　Bonald；
and　here　is　the　whole　secret　of　my　philosophy。　He　revealed　to　me　the
Family　in　its　strength　and　holiness。　According　to　Bonald；　your　father
was　right　in　his　homily。

Farewell；　my　dear　fancy；　my　friend；　my　wild　other　self。



XIX

LOUISE　DE　CHAULIEU　TO　MME。　DE　L'ESTORADE

Well；　my　Renee；　you　are　a　love　of　a　woman；　and　I　quite　agree　now　that
we　can　only　be　virtuous　by　cheating。　Will　that　satisfy　you？　Moreover；
the　man　who　loves　us　is　our　property；　we　can　make　a　fool　or　a　genius
of　him　as　we　please；　only；　between　ourselves；　the　former　happens　more
commonly。　You　will　make　yours　a　genius；　and　you　won't　tell　the　secret
there　are　two　heroic　actions；　if　you　will！

Ah！　if　there　were　no　future　life；　how　nicely　you　would　be　sold；　for
this　is　martyrdom　into　which　you　are　plunging　of　your　own　accord。　You
want　to　make　him　ambitious　and　to　keep　him　in　love！　Child　that　you
are；　surely　the　last　alone　is　sufficient。

Tell　me；　to　what　point　is　calculation　a　virtue；　or　virtue　calculation？
You　won't　say？　Well；　we　won't　quarrel　over　that；　since　we　have　Bonald
to　refer　to。　We　are；　and　intend　to　remain；　virtuous；　nevertheless　at
this　moment　I　believe　that　you；　with　all　your　pretty　little　knavery；
are　a　better　woman　than　I　am。

Yes；　I　am　shockingly　deceitful。　I　love　Felipe；　and　I　conceal　it　from
him　with　an　odious　hypocrisy。　I　long　to　see　him　leap　from　his　tree　to
the　top　of　the　wall；　and　from　the　wall　to　my　balconyand　if　he　did；
how　I　should　wither　him　with　my　scorn！　You　see；　I　am　frank　enough　with
you。

What　restrains　me？　Where　is　the　mysterious　power　which　prevents　me
from　telling　Felipe；　dear　fellow；　how　supremely　happy　he　has　made　me
by　the　outpouring　of　his　loveso　pure；　so　absolute；　so　boundless；　so
unobtrusive；　and　so　overflowing？

Mme。　de　Mirbel　is　painting　my　portrait；　and　I　intend　to　give　it　to
him；　my　dear。　What　surprises　me　more　and　more　every　day　is　the
animation　which　love　puts　into　life。　How　full　of　interest　is　every
hour；　every　action；　every　trifle！　and　what　amazing　confusion　between
the　past；　the　future；　and　the　present！　One　lives　in　three　tenses　at
once。　Is　it　still　so　after　the　heights　of　happiness　are　reached？　Oh！
tell　me；　I　implore　you；　what　is　happiness？　Does　it　soothe；　or　does　it
excite？　I　am　horribly　restless；　I　seem　to　have　lost　all　my　bearings；　a
force　in　my　heart　drags　me　to　him；　spite　of　reason　and　spite　of
propriety。　There　is　this　gain；　that　I　am　better　able　to　enter　into
your　feelings。

Felipe's　happiness　consists　in　feeling　himself　mine；　the　aloofness　of
his　love；　his　strict　obedience；　irritate　me；　just　as　his　attitude　of
profound　respect　provoked　me　when　he　was　only　my　Spanish　master。　I　am
tempted　to　cry　out　to　him　as　he　passes；　〃Fool；　if　you　love　me　so　much
as　a　picture；　what　will　it　be　when　you　know　the　real　me？〃

Oh！　Renee；　you　burn　my　letters；　don't　you？　I　will　burn　yours。　If　other
eyes　than　ours　were　to　read　these　thoughts　which　pass　from　heart　to
heart；　I　should　send　Felipe　to　put　them　out；　and　perhaps　to　kill　the
owners；　by　way　of　additional　security。

Monday。

Oh！　Renee；　how　is　it　possible　to　fathom　the　heart　of　man？　My　father
ought　to　introduce　me　to　M。　Bonald；　since　he　is　so　learned；　I　would
ask　him。　I　envy　the　privilege　of　God；　who　can　read　the　undercurrents
of　the　heart。

Does　he　still　worship？　That　is　the　whole　question。

If　ever；　in　gesture；　glance；　or　tone；　I　were　to　detect　the　slightest
falling　off　in　the　respect　he　used　to　show　me　in　the　days　when　he　was
my　instructor　in　Spanish；　I　feel　that　I　should　have　strength　to　put
the　whole　thing　from　me。　〃Why　these　fine　words；　these　grand
resolutions？〃　you　will　say。　Dear；　I　will　tell　you。

My　fascinating　father；　who　treats　me　with　the　devotion　of　an　Italian
/cavaliere　servente/　for　his　lady；　had　my　portrait　painted；　as　I　told
you；　by　Mme。　de　Mirbel。　I　contrived　to　get　a　copy　made；　good　enough　to
do　for　the　Duke；　and　sent　the　original　to　Felipe。　I　despatched　it
yesterday；　and　these　lines　with　it：

　　〃Don　Felipe；　your　single…hearted　devotion　is　met　by　a　blind
　　confidence。　Time　will　show　whether　this　is　not　to　treat　a　man　as
　　more　than　human。〃

It　was　a　big　reward。　It　looked　like　a　promise　anddreadful　to　saya
challenge；　butwhich　will　seem　to　you　still　more　dreadfulI　quite
intended　that　it　should　suggest　both　these　things；　without　going　so
far　as　actually　to　commit　me。　If　in　his　reply　there　is　〃Dear　Louise！〃
or　even　〃Louise；〃　he　is　done　for！

Tuesday。

No；　he　is　not　done　for。　The　constitutional　minister　is　perfect　as　a
lover。　Here　is　his　letter：

　　〃Every　moment　passed　away　from　your　sight　has　been　filled　by　me
　　with　ideal　pictures　of　you；　my　eyes　closed　to　the　outside　world
　　and　fixed　in　meditation　on　your　image；　which　used　to　obey　the
　　summons　too　slowly　in　that　dim　palace　of　dreams；　glorified　by　your
　　presence。　Henceforth　my　gaze　will　rest　upon　this　wondrous　ivory
　　this　talisman；　might　I　not　say？since　your　blue　eyes　sparkle　with
　　life　as　I　look；　and　paint　passes　into　flesh　and　blood。　If　I　have
　　delayed　writing；　it　is　because　I　could　not　tear　myself　away　from
　　your　presence；　which　wrung　from　me　all　that　I　was　bound　to　keep
　　most　secret。

　　〃Yes；　closeted　with　you　all　last　night　and　to…day；　I　have；　for　the
　　first　time　in　my　life；　given　myself　up　to　full；　complete；　and
　　boundless　happiness。　Could　you　but　see　yourself　where　I　have
　　placed　you；　between　the　Virgin　and　God；　you　might　have　some　idea
　　of　the　agony　in　which　the　night　has　passed。　But　I　would　not　offend
　　you　by　speaking　of　it；　for　one　glance　from　your　eyes；　robbed　of
　　the　tender　sweetness　which　is　my　life；　would　be　full　of　torture
　　for　me；　and　I　implore　your　clemency　therefore　in　advance。　Queen　of
　　my　life　and　of　my　soul；　oh！　that　you　could　grant　me　but　one…
　　thousandth　part　of　the　love　I　bear　you！

　　〃This　was　the　burden　of　my　prayer；　doubt　worked　havoc　in　my　soul
　　as　I　oscillated　between　belief　and　despair；　between　life　and
　　death；　darkness　and　light。　A　criminal　whose　verdict　hangs　in　the
　　balance　is　not　more　racked　with　suspense　than　I；　as　I　own　to　my
　　temerity。　The　smile　imaged　on　your　lips；　to　which　my　eyes　turned
　　ever　and　again；　and　alone　able　to　calm　the　storm　roused　by　the
　　dread　of　displeasing　you。　From　my　birth　no　one；　not　even　my
　　mother；　has　smiled　on　me。　The　beautiful　young　girl　who　was
　　designed　for　me　rejected　my　heart　and　gave　hers　to　my　brother。
　　Again；　in　politics　all　my　efforts　have　been　defeated。　In　the　eyes
　　of　my　king　I　have　read　only　thirst　for　vengeance；　from　childhood
　　he　has　been　my　enemy；　and　the　vote　of　the　Cortes　which　placed　me
　　in　power　was　regarded　by　him　as　a　personal　insult。

　　〃Less　than　this　might　breed　despondency　in　the　stoutest　heart。
　　Besides；　I　have　no　illusion；　I　know　the　gracelessness　of　my
　　person；　and　am　well　aware　how　difficult　it　is　to　do　justice　to　the
　　heart　within　so　rugged　a　shell。　To　be　loved　had　ceased　to　be　more
　　than　a　dream　to　me　when　I　met　you。　Thus　when　I　bound　myself　to
　　your　service　I　knew　that　devotion　alone　could　excuse　my　passion。

　　〃But；　as　I　look　upon　this　portrait　and　listen　to　your　smile　that
　　whispers　of　rapture；　the　rays　of　a　hope　which　I　had　sternly
　　banished　pierced　the　gloom；　like　the　light　of　dawn；　again　to　be
　　obscured　by　rising　mists　of　doubt　and　fear　of　your　displeasure；　if
　　the　morning　should　break　to　day。　No；　it　is　impossible　you　should
　　love　me　yetI　feel　it；　but　in　time；　as　you　make　proof　of　the
　　strength；　the　constancy；　and　depth　of　my　affection；　you　may　yield
　　me　some　foothold　in　your　heart。　If　my　daring　offends　you；　tell　me
　　so　without　anger；　and　I　will　return　to　my　former　part。　But　if　you
　　consent　to　try　and　love　me；　be　merciful　and　break　it　gently　to　one
　　who　has　placed　the　happiness　of　his　life　in　the　single　thought　of
　　serving　you。〃

My　dear；　as　I　read　these　last　words；　he　seemed　to　rise　before　me；　pale
as　the　night　when　the　camellias　told　their　story　and　he　knew　his
offering　was　accepted。　These　words；　in　their　humility；　were　clearly
something　quite　different　from　the　usual　flowery　rhetoric　of　lovers；
and　a　wave　of　feeling　broke　over　me；　it　was　the　breath　of　happiness。

The　weather　has　been　atrocious；　impossible　to　go　to　the　Bois　without
exciting　all　sorts　of　suspicions。　Even　my　mother；　who　often　goes　out；
regardless　of　rain；　remains　at　home；　and　alone。

Wednesday　evening。

I　have　just　seen　/him/　at　the　Opera；　my　dear；　he　is　another　man。　He
came　to　our　box；　introduced　by　the　Sardinian　ambassador。

Having　read　in　my　eyes　that　this　audacity　was　taken　in　good　part；　he
seemed　awkwardly　conscious　of　his　limbs；　and　addressed　the　Marquise
d'Espard　as　〃mademoiselle。〃　A　light　far　brighter　than　the　glare　of　the
chandeliers　flashed　from　his　eyes。　At　last　he　went　out　with　the　air　of
a　man　who　didn't　know　what　he　might　do　next。

〃The　Baron　de　Macumer　is　in　love！〃　exclaimed　Mme。　de　Maufrigneuse。

〃Strange；　isn't　it；　for　a　fallen　minister？〃　replied　my　mother。

I　had　sufficient　presence　of　mind　myself　to　regard　with　curiosity
Mmes。　de　Maufrigneuse　and　d'Espard　a