hemingway, ernest - for whom the bell tolls-第91部分

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l　our　luck　in　four　days。　Not　four　days。　It　was　afternoon　when　I　first　got　there　and　it　will　not　be　noon　today。　That　makes　not　quite　three　days　and　three　nights。　Keep　it　accurate；　he　said。　Quite　accurate。
I　think　you　better　get　down　now；　he　thought。　You　better　get　fixed　around　some　way　where　you　will　be　useful　instead　of　leaning　against　this　tree　like　a　tramp。　You　have　had　much　luck。　There　are　many　worse　things　than　this。　Every　one　has　to　do　this；　one　day　or　another。　You　are　not　afraid　of　it　once　you　know　you　have　to　do　it；　are　you？　No；　he　said；　truly。　It　was　lucky　the　nerve　was　crushed；　though。　I　cannot　even　feel　that　there　is　anything　below　the　break。　He　touched　the　lower　part　of　his　leg　and　it　was　as　though　it　were　not　part　of　his　body。
He　looked　down　the　hill　slope　again　and　he　thought；　I　hate　to　leave　it；　is　all。　I　hate　to　leave　it　very　much　and　I　hope　I　have　done　some　good　in　it。　I　have　tried　to　with　what　talent　I　had。　_Have；　you　mean。　All　right；　have_。
I　have　fought　for　what　I　believed　in　for　a　year　now。　If　we　win　here　we　will　win　everywhere。　The　world　is　a　fine　place　and　worth　the　fighting　for　and　I　hate　very　much　to　leave　it。　And　you　had　a　lot　of　luck；　he　told　himself；　to　have　had　such　a　good　life。　You've　had　just　as　good　a　life　as　grandfather's　though　not　as　long。　You've　had　as　good　a　life　as　any　one　because　of　these　last　days。　You　do　not　want　to　complain　when　you　have　been　so　lucky。　I　wish　there　was　some　way　to　pass　on　what　I've　learned；　though。　Christ；　I　was　learning　fast　there　at　the　end。　I'd　like　to　talk　to　Karkov。　That　is　in　Madrid。　Just　over　the　hills　there；　and　down　across　the　plain。　Down　out　of　the　gray　rocks　and　the　pines；　the　heather　and　the　gorse；　across　the　yellow　high　plateau　you　see　it　rising　white　and　beautiful。　That　part　is　just　as　true　as　Pilar's　old　women　drinking　the　blood　down　at　the　slaughterhouse。　There's　no　one　thing　that's　true。　It's　all　true。　The　way　the　planes　are　beautiful　whether　they　are　ours　or　theirs。　The　hell　they　are；　he　thought。
You　take　it　easy；　now；　he　said。　Get　turned　over　now　while　you　still　have　time。　Listen；　one　thing。　Do　you　remember？　Pilar　and　the　hand？　Do　you　believe　that　crap？　No；　he　said。　Not　with　everything　that's　happened？　No；　I　don't　believe　it。　She　was　nice　about　it　early　this　morning　before　the　show　started。　She　was　afraid　maybe　I　believed　it。　I　don't；　though。　But　she　does。　They　see　something。　Or　they　feel　something。　Like　a　bird　dog。　What　about　extra…sensory　perception？　What　about　obscenity？　he　said。　She　wouldn't　say　good…by；　he　thought；　because　she　knew　if　she　did　Maria　would　never　go。　That　Pilar。　Get　yourself　turned　over；　Jordan。　But　he　was　reluctant　to　try　it。
Then　he　remembered　that　he　had　the　small　flask　in　his　hip　pocket　and　he　thought；　I'll　take　a　good　spot　of　the　giant　killer　and　then　I'll　try　it。　But　the　flask　was　not　there　when　he　felt　for　it。　Then　he　felt　that　much　more　alone　because　he　knew　there　was　not　going　to　be　even　that。　I　guess　I'd　counted　on　that；　he　said。
Do　you　suppose　Pablo　took　it？　Don't　be　silly。　You　must　have　lost　it　at　the　bridge。　〃Come　on　now；　Jordan；〃　he　said。　〃Over　you　go。〃
Then　he　took　hold　of　his　left　leg　with　both　hands　and　pulled　on　it　hard；　pulling　toward　the　foot　while　he　lay　down　beside　the　tree　he　had　been　resting　his　back　against。　Then　lying　flat　and　pulling　hard　on　the　leg；　so　the　broken　end　of　the　bone　would　not　come　up　and　cut　through　the　thigh；　he　turned　slowly　around　on　his　rump　until　the　back　of　his　head　was　facing　downhill。　Then　with　his　broken　leg；　held　by　both　hands；　uphill；　he　put　the　sole　of　his　right　foot　against　the　instep　of　his　left　foot　and　pressed　hard　while　he　rolled；　sweating；　over　onto　his　face　and　chest。　He　got　onto　his　elbows；　stretched　the　left　leg　well　behind　him　with　both　hands　and　a　far；　sweating；　push　with　the　right　foot　and　there　he　was。　He　felt　with　his　fingers　on　the　left　thigh　and　it　was　all　right。　The　bone　end　had　not　punctured　the　skin　and　the　broken　end　was　well　into　the　muscle　now。
The　big　nerve　must　have　been　truly　smashed　when　that　damned　horse　rolled　on　it；　he　thought。　It　truly　doesn't　hurt　at　all。　Except　now　in　certain　changes　of　positions。　That's　when　the　bone　pinches　something　else。　You　see？　he　said。　You　see　what　luck　is？　You　didn't　need　the　giant　killer　at　all。
He　reached　over　for　the　submachine　gun；　took　the　clip　out　that　was　in　the　magazine；　felt　in　his　pocket　for　clips；　opened　the　action　and　looked　through　the　barrel；　put　the　clip　back　into　the　groove　of　the　magazine　until　it　clicked；　and　then　looked　down　the　hill　slope。　Maybe　half　an　hour；　he　thought。　Now　take　it　easy。
Then　he　looked　at　the　hillside　and　he　looked　at　the　pines　and　he　tried　not　to　think　at　all。
Then　he　looked　at　the　stream　and　he　remembered　how　it　had　been　under　the　bridge　in　the　cool　of　the　shadow。　I　wish　they　would　come；　he　thought。　I　do　not　want　to　get　in　any　sort　of　mixed…up　state　before　they　come。
Who　do　you　suppose　has　it　easier？　Ones　with　religion　or　just　taking　it　straight？　It　comforts　them　very　much　but　we　know　there　is　no　thing　to　fear。　It　is　only　missing　it　that's　bad。　Dying　is　only　bad　when　it　takes　a　long　time　and　hurts　so　much　that　it　humiliates　you。　That　is　where　you　have　all　the　luck；　see？　You　don't　have　any　of　that。
It's　wonderful　they've　got　away。　I　don't　mind　this　at　all　now　they　are　away。　It　is　sort　of　the　way　I　said。　It　is　really　very　much　that　way。　Look　how　different　it　would　be　if　they　were　all　scattered　out　across　that　hill　where　that　gray　horse　is。　Or　if　we　were　all　cooped　up　here　waiting　for　it。　No。　They're　gone。　They're　away。　Now　if　the　attack　were　only　a　success。　What　do　you　want？　Everything。　I　want　everything　and　I　will　take　whatever　I　get。　If　this　attack　is　no　good　another　one　will　be。　I　never　noticed　when　the　planes　came　back。　_God；　that　was　lucky　I　could　make　her　go_。
I'd　like　to　tell　grandfather　about　this　one。　I'll　bet　he　never　had　to　go　over　and　find　his　people　and　do　a　show　like　this。　How　do　you　know？　He　may　have　done　fifty。　No；　he　said。　Be　accurate。　Nobody　did　any　fifty　like　this　one。　Nobody　did　five。　Nobody　did　one　maybe　not　just　like　this。　Sure。　They　must　have。
I　wish　they　would　come　now；　he　said。　I　wish　they　would　come　right　now　because　the　leg　is　starting　to　hurt　now。　It　must　be　the　swelling。
We　were　going　awfully　good　when　that　thing　hit　us；　he　thought。　But　it　was　only　luck　it　didn't　come　while　I　was　under　the　bridge。　When　a　thing　is　wrong　something's　bound　to　happen。　You　were　bitched　when　they　gave　Golz　those　orders。　That　was　what　you　knew　and　it　was　probably　that　which　Pilar　felt。　But　later　on　we　will　have　these　things　much　better　organized。　We　ought　to　have　portable　short　wave　transmitters。　_Yes；　there's　a　lot　of　things　we　ought　to　have_。　I　ought　to　carry　a　spare　leg；　too。
He　grinned　at　that　sweatily　because　the　leg；　where　the　big　nerve　had　been　bruised　by　the　fall；　was　hurting　badly　now。　Oh；　let　them　come；　he　said。　I　don't　want　to　do　that　business　that　my　father　did。　I　will　do　it　all　right　but　I'd　much　prefer　not　to　have　to。　I'm　against　that。　Don't　think　about　that。　Don't　think　at　all。　I　wish　the　bastards　would　come；　he　said。　I　wish　so　very　much　they'd　come。
His　leg　was　hurting　very　badly　now。　The　pain　had　started　suddenly　with　the　swelling　after　he　had　moved　and　he　said；　Maybe　I'll　just　do　it　now。　I　guess　I'm　not　awfully　good　at　pain。　Listen；　if　I　do　that　now　you　wouldn't　misunderstand；　would　you？　_Who　are　you　talking　to？_　Nobody；　he　said。　Grandfather；　I　guess。　No。　Nobody。　Oh　bloody　it；　I　wish　that　they　would　come。
Listen；　I　may　have　to　do　that　because　if　I　pass　out　or　anything　like　that　I　am　no　good　at　all　and　if　they　bring　me　to　they　will　ask　me　a　lot　of　questions　and　do　things　and　all　and　that　is　no　good。　It's　much　best　not　to　have　them　do　those　things。　So　why　wouldn't　it　be　all　right　to　just　do　it　now　and　then　the　whole　thing　would　be　over　with？　Because　oh；　listen；　yes；　listen；　_let　them　come　now_。
You're　not　good　at　this；　Jordan；　he　said。　Not　so　good　at　this。　And　who　is　so　good　at　this？　I　don't　know　and　I　don't　really　care　right　now。　But　you　are　not。　That's　right。　You're　not　at　all。　Oh　not　at　all；　at　all。　I　think　it　would　be　all　right　to　do　it　now？　Don't　you？
_No；　it　isn't_。　Because　there　is　something　you　can　do　yet。　As　long　as　you　know　what　it　is　you　have　to　do　it。　As　long　as　you　remember　what　it　is　you　have　to　wait　for　that。　_Come　on。　Let　them　come。　Let　them　come。　Let　them　come！_
Think　about　them　being　away；　he　said。　Think　about　them　going　through　the　timber。　Think　about　them　crossing　a　creek。　Think　about　them　riding　through　the　heather。　Think　about　them　going　up　the　slope。　Think　about　them　O。K。　tonight。　Think　about　them　travelling；　all　night。　Think　about　them　hiding　up　tomorrow。　Think　about　them。　God　damn　it；　think　about　them。　_That's　just　as　far　as　I　can　think　about　them_；　he　said。
Think　about　Montana。　_I　can't_。　Think　about　Madrid。　_I　can't_。　Think　about　a　cool　drink　of　water。　_All　right_。　That's　what　it　will　be　like。　Like　a　cool　drink　of　water。　_You're　a　liar_。　It　will　just　be　nothing。　That's　all　it　will　be。　Just　nothing。　Then　do　it。　_Do　it_。　Do　it　now。　It's　all　right　to　do　it　now。　Go　on　and　do　it　now。　_No；　you　have　to　wait_。　What　for？　You　know　all　right。　_Then　wait_。
I　can't　wait　any　longer　now；　he　said。　If　I　wait　any　longer　I'll　pass　out。　I　know　because　I've　felt　it　starting　to　go　three　times　now　and　I've　held　it。　I　held　it　all　right。　But　I　don't　know　about　any　more。　What　I　think　is　you've　got　an　internal　hemorrhage　there　from　where　that　thigh　bone's　cut　around　inside。　Especially　on　that　turning　business。　That　makes　the　swelling　and　that's　what　weakens　you　and　makes　you　start　to　pass。　It　would　be　all　right　to　do　it　now。　Really；　I'm　telling　you　that　it　would　be　all　right。
_And　if　you　wait　and　hold　them　up　even　a　little　while　or　just　get　the　officer　that　may　make　all　the　difference。　One　thing　well　done　can　make_
All　right；　he　said。　And　he　lay　very　quietly　and　tried　to　hold　on　to　himself　that　he　felt　slipping　away　from　himself　as　you　feel　snow　starting　to　slip　sometimes　on　a　mountain　slope；　and　he　said；　now　quietly；　then　let　me　last　until　they　come。
Robert　Jordan's　luck　held　very　good　because　he　saw；　just　then；　the　cavalry　ride　out　of　the　timber　and　cross　the　road。　He　watched　them　coming　riding　up　the　slope。　He　saw　the　trooper