bickerstaff-partridge papers(比克一帕特拉奇文件)-第5部分
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Bickerstaff might be sauntring thereabouts； because I will assert nothing
here but what I dare attest； and plain matter of fact。 My wife at this fell
into a violent disorder； and I must own I was a little discomposed at the
oddness of the accident。 In the mean time one knocks at my door； Betty
runs down； and opening； finds a sober grave person； who modestly
enquires if this was Dr。 Partridge's？ She taking him for some cautious city…
patient； that came at that time for privacy； shews him into the dining room。
As soon as I could compose myself； I went to him； and was surprized to
find my gentleman mounted on a table with a two…foot rule in his hand；
measuring my walls； and taking the dimensions of the room。 Pray sir； says
I； not to interrupt you； have you any business with me？ Only； sir； replies
he； order the girl to bring me a better light； for this is but a very dim one。
Sir； says I； my name is Partridge： Oh！ the Doctor's brother； belike； cries he；
the stair…case； I believe； and these two apartments hung in close mourning；
will be sufficient； and only a strip of bays round the other rooms。 The
Doctor must needs die rich； he had great dealings in his way for many
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years； if he had no family coat； you had as good use the escutcheons of the
company； they are as showish； and will look as magnificent as if he was
descended from the blood royal。 With that I assumed a great air of
authority； and demanded who employ'd him； or how he came there？ Why；
I was sent； sir； by the Company of Undertakers； says he； and they were
employed by the honest gentleman； who is executor to the good Doctor
departed； and our rascally porter； I believe； is fallen fast asleep with the
black cloth and sconces； or he had been here； and we might have been
tacking up by this time。 Sir； says I； pray be advis'd by a friend； and make
the best of your speed out of my doors； for I hear my wife's voice； （which
by the by； is pretty distinguishable） and in that corner of the room stands a
good cudgel； which somebody has felt e're now； if that light in her hands；
and she know the business you come about； without consulting the stars； I
can assure you it will be employed very much to the detriment of your
person。 Sir； cries he； bowing with great civility； I perceive extreme grief
for the loss of the Doctor disorders you a little at present； but early in the
morning I'll wait on you with all necessary materials。 Now I mention no
Mr。 Bickerstaff； nor do I say； that a certain star…gazing 'squire has been
playing my executor before his time； but I leave the world to judge； and if
he puts things and things fairly together； it won't be much wide of the
mark。
Well； once more I got my doors clos'd； and prepar'd for bed； in hopes
of a little repose after so many ruffling adventures； just as I was putting
out my light in order to it； another bounces as hard as he can knock； I open
the window； and ask who's there； and what he wants？ I am Ned the sexton；
replies he； and come to know whether the Doctor left any orders for a
funeral sermon； and where he is to be laid； and whether his grave is to be
plain or bricked？ Why； sirrah； says I； you know me well enough； you
know I am not dead； and how dare you affront me in this manner？ Alack…
a…day； replies the fellow； why 'tis in print； and the whole town knows you
are dead； why； there's Mr。 White the joiner is but fitting screws to your
coffin； he'll be here with it in an instant： he was afraid you would have
wanted it before this time。 Sirrah； Sirrah； says I； you shall know tomorrow
to your cost； that I am alive； and alive like to be。 Why； 'tis strange； sir； says
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he； you should make such a secret of your death to us that are your
neighbours； it looks as if you had a design to defraud the church of its
dues； and let me tell you； for one that has lived so long by the heavens；
that's unhandsomely done。 Hist； Hist； says another rogue that stood by him；
away Doctor； in your flannel gear as fast as you can； for here's a whole
pack of dismals coming to you with their black equipage； and how
indecent will it look for you to stand fright'ning folks at your window；
when you should have been in your coffin this three hours？ In short； what
with undertakers； imbalmers； joiners； sextons； and your damn'd elegy
hawkers； upon a late practitioner in physick and astrology； I got not one
wink of sleep that night； nor scarce a moment's rest ever since。 Now I
doubt not but this villainous 'squire has the impudence to assert； that these
are entirely strangers to him； he； good man； knows nothing of the matter；
and honest Isaac Bickerstaff； I warrant you； is more a man of honour； than
to be an accomplice with a pack of rascals； that walk the streets on nights；
and disturb good people in their beds； but he is out； if he thinks the whole
world is blind； for there is one John Partridge can smell a knave as far as
Grubstreet； tho' he lies in the most exalted garret； and writes himself
'Squire： But I'll keep my temper； and proceed in the narration。
I could not stir out of doors for the space of three months after this； but
presently one comes up to me in the street； Mr Partridge； that coffin you
was last buried in I have not been yet paid for： Doctor； cries another dog；
How d'ye think people can live by making of graves for nothing？ Next
time you die； you may e'en toll out the bell yourself for Ned。 A third rogue
tips me by the elbow； and wonders how I have the conscience to sneak
abroad without paying my funeral expences。 Lord； says one； I durst have
swore that was honest Dr。 Partridge； my old friend； but poor man； he is
gone。 I beg your pardon； says another； you look so like my old
acquaintance that I used to consult on some private occasions； but； alack；
he's gone the way of all flesh Look； look； look； cries a third； after a
competent space of staring at me； would not one think our neighbour the
almanack…maker； was crept out of his grave to take t'other peep at the stars
in this world； and shew how much he is improv'd in fortune…telling by
having taken a journey to the other？
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Nay； the very reader； of our parish； a good sober； discreet person； has
sent two or three times for me to come and be buried decently； or send him
sufficient reasons to the contrary； if I have been interr'd in any other parish；
to produce my certificate； as the act requires。 My poor wife is almost run
distracted with being called Widow Partridge； when she knows its false；
and once a term she is cited into the court； to take out letters of
administration。 But the greatest grievance is； a paultry quack； that takes up
my calling just under my nose； and in his printed directions with N。B。 says；
He lives in the house of the late ingenious Mr。 John Partridge； an eminent
practitioner in leather； physick and astrology。
But to show how far the wicked spirit of envy； malice and resentment
can hurry some men； my nameless old persecutor had provided me a
monument at the stone…cutter's and would have erected it in the parish…
church； and this piece of notorious and expensive villany had actually
succeeded； had I not used my utmost interest with the vestry； where it was
carried at last but by two voices； that I am still alive。 That stratagem
failing； out comes a long sable elegy； bedeck'd with hour…glasses； mattocks；
sculls； spades； and skeletons； with an epitaph as confidently written to
abuse me； and my profession； as if I had been under ground these twenty
years。
And； after such barbarous treatment as this； can the world blame me；
when I ask； What is become of the freedom of an Englishman？ And where
is the liberty and property that my old glorious friend came over to assert？
We have drove popery out of the nation； and sent slavery to foreign climes。
The arts only remain in bondage； when a man of science and character
shall be openly insulted in the midst of the many useful services he is daily
paying to the publick。 Was it ever heard； even in Turkey or Algiers； that a
state…astrologer was banter'd out of his life by an ignorant impostor； or
bawl'd out of the world by a pack of villanous； deep…mouth'd hawkers？
Though I print almanacks； and publish advertisements； though I produce
certificates under the ministers and church…wardens hands I am alive； and
attest the same on oath at quarter…sessions； out comes a full and true
relation of the death and interment of John Partridge； Truth is bore down；
attestations neglected； the testimony of sober persons despised； and a man
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