the life of john bunyan-第6部分

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Bedford　friends　refreshing　themselves　on　the　sunny　side　of　a　high

mountain　while　he　was　shivering　with　dark　and　cold　on　the　other

side；　parted　from　them　by　a　high　wall　with　only　one　small　gap　in

it；　and　that　not　found　but　after　long　searching；　and　so　strait　and

narrow　withal　that　it　needed　long　and　desperate　efforts　to　force

his　way　through。　　At　last　he　succeeded。　　〃Then；〃　he　says；　〃I　was

exceeding　glad；　and　went　and　sat　down　in　the　midst　of　them；　and　so

was　comforted　with　the　light　and　heat　of　their　sun。〃



But　this　sunshine　shone　but　in　illusion；　and　soon　gave　place　to　the

old　sad　questioning；　which　filled　his　soul　with　darkness。　　Was　he

already　called；　or　should　he　be　called　some　day？　　He　would　give

worlds　to　know。　　Who　could　assure　him？　　At　last　some　words　of　the

prophet　Joel　（chap。　iii；　21）　encouraged　him　to　hope　that　if　not

converted　already；　the　time　might　come　when　he　should　be　converted

to　Christ。　　Despair　began　to　give　way　to　hopefulness。



At　this　crisis　Bunyan　took　the　step　which　he　would　have　been　wise

if　he　had　taken　long　before。　　He　sought　the　sympathy　and　counsel　of

others。　　He　began　to　speak　his　mind　to　the　poor　people　in　Bedford

whose　words　of　religious　experiences　had　first　revealed　to　him　his

true　condition。　　By　them　he　was　introduced　to　their　pastor；　〃the

godly　Mr。　Gifford；〃　who　invited　him　to　his　house　and　gave　him

spiritual　counsel。　　He　began　to　attend　the　meetings　of　his

disciples。



The　teaching　he　received　here　was　but　ill…suited　for　one　of

Bunyan's　morbid　sensitiveness。　　For　it　was　based　upon　a　constant

introspection　and　a　scrupulous　weighing　of　each　word　and　action；

with　a　torturing　suspicion　of　its　motive；　which　made　a　man's　ever…

varying　spiritual　feelings　the　standard　of　his　state　before　God；

instead　of　leading　him　off　from　self　to　the　Saviour。　　It　is　not；

therefore；　at　all　surprising　that　a　considerable　period　intervened

before；　in　the　language　of　his　school；　〃he　found　peace。〃　　This

period；　which　seems　to　have　embraced　two　or　three　years；　was　marked

by　that　tremendous　inward　struggle　which　he　has　described；　〃as　with

a　pen　of　fire；〃　in　that　marvellous　piece　of　religious

autobiography；　without　a　counterpart　except　in　〃The　Confessions　of

St。　Augustine；〃　his　〃Grace　Abounding　to　the　Chief　of　Sinners。〃

Bunyan's　first　experiences　after　his　introduction　to　Mr。　Gifford

and　the　inner　circle　of　his　disciples　were　most　discouraging。　　What

he　heard　of　God's　dealings　with　their　souls　showed　him　something　of

〃the　vanity　and　inward　wretchedness　of　his　wicked　heart；〃　and　at

the　same　time　roused　all　its　hostility　to　God's　will。　　〃It　did　work

at　that　rate　for　wickedness　as　it　never　did　before。〃　　〃The

Canaanites　WOULD　dwell　in　the　land。〃　　〃His　heart　hankered　after

every　foolish　vanity；　and　hung　back　both　to　and　in　every　duty；　as　a

clog　on　the　leg　of　a　bird　to　hinder　her　from　flying。〃　　He　thought

that　he　was　growing　〃worse　and　worse；〃　and　was　〃further　from

conversion　than　ever　before。〃　　Though　he　longed　to　let　Christ　into

his　heart；　〃his　unbelief　would；　as　it　were；　set　its　shoulder　to　the

door　to　keep　Him　out。〃



Yet　all　the　while　he　was　tormented　with　the　most　perverse

scrupulosity　of　conscience。　　〃As　to　the　act　of　sinning；　I　never　was

more　tender　than　now；　I　durst　not　take　a　pin　or　a　stick；　though　but

so　big　as　a　straw；　for　my　conscience　now　was　sore；　and　would　smart

at　every　twist。　　I　could　not　now　tell　how　to　speak　my　words；　for

fear　I　should　misplace　them。　　Oh！　how　gingerly　did　I　then　go　in　all

I　did　or　said：　　I　found　myself　in　a　miry　bog；　that　shook　if　I　did

but　stir；　and　was　as　those　left　both　of　God；　and　Christ；　and　the

Spirit；　and　all　good　things。〃　　All　the　misdoings　of　his　earlier

years　rose　up　against　him。　　There　they　were；　and　he　could　not　rid

himself　of　them。　　He　thought　that　no　one　could　be　so　bad　as　he　was；

〃not　even　the　Devil　could　be　his　equal：　　he　was　more　loathsome　in

his　own　eyes　than　a　toad。〃　　What　then　must　God　think　of　him？

Despair　seized　fast　hold　of　him。　　He　thought　he　was　〃forsaken　of

God　and　given　up　to　the　Devil；　and　to　a　reprobate　mind。〃　　Nor　was

this　a　transient　fit　of　despondency。　　〃Thus；〃　he　writes；　〃I

continued　a　long　while；　even　for　some　years　together。〃



This　is　not　the　place　minutely　to　pursue　Bunyan's　religious　history

through　the　sudden　alternations　of　hopes　and　fears；　the　fierce

temptations；　the　torturing　illusions；　the　strange　perversions　of

isolated　scraps　of　Bible　language　…　texts　torn　from　their　context　…

the　harassing　doubts　as　to　the　truth　of　Christianity；　the　depths　of

despair　and　the　elevations　of　joy；　which　he　has　portrayed　with　his

own　inimitable　graphic　power。　　It　is　a　picture　of　fearful

fascination　that　he　draws。　　〃A　great　storm〃　at　one　time　comes　down

upon　him；　〃piece　by　piece；〃　which　〃handled　him　twenty　times　worse

than　all　he　had　met　with　before；〃　while　〃floods　of　blasphemies　were

poured　upon　his　spirit；〃　and　would　〃bolt　out　of　his　heart。〃　　He

felt　himself　driven　to　commit　the　unpardonable　sin　and　blaspheme

the　Holy　Ghost；　〃whether　he　would　or　no。〃　　〃No　sin　would　serve　but

that。〃　　He　was　ready　to　〃clap　his　hand　under　his　chin；〃　to　keep　his

mouth　shut；　or　to　leap　head…foremost　〃into　some　muckhill…hole；〃　to

prevent　his　uttering　the　fatal　words。　　At　last　he　persuaded　himself

that　he　had　committed　the　sin；　and　a　good　but　not　overwise　man；　〃an

ancient　Christian；〃　whom　he　consulted　on　his　sad　case；　told　him　he

thought　so　too；　〃which　was　but　cold　comfort。〃　　He　thought　himself

possessed　by　the　devil；　and　compared　himself　to　a　child　〃carried

off　under　her　apron　by　a　gipsy。〃　　〃Kick　sometimes　I　did；　and　also

shriek　and　cry；　but　yet　I　was　as　bound　in　the　wings　of　the

temptation；　and　the　wind　would　carry　me　away。〃　　He　wished　himself

〃a　dog　or　a　toad；〃　for　they　〃had　no　soul　to　be　lost　as　his　was　like

to　be；〃　and　again　a　hopeless　callousness　seemed　to　settle　upon　him。

〃If　I　would　have　given　a　thousand　pounds　for　a　tear　I　could　not

shed　one；　no；　nor　sometimes　scarce　desire　to　shed　one。〃　　And　yet　he

was　all　the　while　bewailing　this　hardness　of　heart；　in　which　he

thought　himself　singular。　　〃This　much　sunk　me。　　I　thought　my

condition　was　alone；　but　how　to　get　out　of；　or　get　rid　of；　these

things　I　could　not。〃　　Again　the　very　ground　of　his　faith　was

shaken。　　〃Was　the　Bible　true；　or　was　it　not　rather　a　fable　and

cunning　story？〃　　All　thought　〃their　own　religion　true。　　Might　not

the　Turks　have　as　good　Scriptures　to　prove　their　Mahomet　Saviour　as

Christians　had　for　Christ？　　What　if　all　we　believed　in　should　be

but　'a　think…so'　too？〃　　So　powerful　and　so　real　were　his　illusions

that　he　had　hard　work　to　keep　himself　from　praying　to　things　about

him；　to　〃a　bush；　a　bull；　a　besom；　or　the　like；〃　or　even　to　Satan

himself。　　He　heard　voices　behind　him　crying　out　that　Satan　desired

to　have　him；　and　that　〃so　loud　and　plain　that　he　would　turn　his

head　to　see　who　was　calling　him；〃　when　on　his　knees　in　prayer　he

fancied　he　felt　the　foul　fiend　pull　his　clothes　from　behind；

bidding　him　〃break　off；　make　haste；　you　have　prayed　enough。〃



This　〃horror　of　great　darkness〃　was　not　always　upon　him。　　Bunyan

had　his　intervals　of　〃sunshine…weather〃　when　Giant　Despair's　fits

came　on　him；　and　the　giant　〃lost　the　use　of　his　hand。〃　　Texts　of

Scripture　would　give　him　a　〃sweet　glance；〃　and　flood　his　soul　with

comfort。　　But　these　intervals　of　happiness　were　but　short…lived。

They　were　but　〃hints；　touches；　and　short　visits；〃　sweet　when

present；　but　〃like　Peter's　sheet；　suddenly　caught　up　again　into

heaven。〃　　But；　though　transient；　they　helped　the　burdened　Pilgrim

onward。　　So　vivid　was　the　impression　sometimes　made；　that　years

after　he　could　specify　the　place　where　these　beams　of　sunlight　fell

on　him　…　〃sitting　in　a　neighbour's　house；〃　…　〃travelling　into　the

country；〃　…　as　he　was　〃going　home　from　sermon。〃　　And　the　joy　was

real　while　it　lasted。　　The　words　of　the　preacher's　text；　〃Behold；

thou　art　fair；　my　love；〃　kindling　his　spirit；　he　felt　his　〃heart

filled　with　comfort　and　hope。〃　　〃Now　I　could　believe　that　my　sins

would　be　forgiven。〃　　He　was　almost　beside　himself　with　ecstasy。　　〃I

was　now　so　taken　with　the　love　and　mercy　of　God　that　I　thought　I

could　have　spoken　of　it　even　to　the　very　crows　that　sat　upon　the

ploughed　lands　before　me；　had　they　been　capable　to　have　understood

me。〃　　〃Surely；〃　he　cried　with　gladness；　〃I　will　not　forget　this

forty　years　hence。〃　　〃But；　alas！　within　less　than　forty　days　I

began　to　question　all　again。〃　　It　was　the　Valley　of　the　Shadow　of

Death　which　Bunyan；　like　his　own　Pilgrim；　was　travelling　through。

But；　as　in　his　allegory；　〃by　and　by　the　day　broke；〃　and　〃the　Lord

did　more　fully　and　graciously　discover　Himself　unto　him。〃　　〃One

day；〃　he　writes；　〃as　I　was　musing　on　the　wickedness　and　blasphemy

of　my　heart；　that　scripture　came　into　my　mind；　'He　hath　made　peace

by　the　Blood　of　His　Cross。'　　By　which　I　was　made　to　see；　both　again

and　again　and　again　that　day；　that　God　and　my　soul　were　friends　by

this　blood：　　Yea；　I　saw　the　justice　of　God　and　my　sinful　soul　could

embrace　and　kiss　each　other。　　This　was　a　good　day　to　me。　　I　hope　I

shall　not　forget　it。〃　　At　another　time　the　〃glory　and　joy〃　of　a

passage　in　the　Hebrews　（ii。　14…15）　were　〃so　weighty〃　that　〃I　was

once　or　twice　ready　to　swoon　as　I　sat；　not　with　grief　and　trouble；

but　with　solid　joy　and　peace。〃　　〃But；　oh！　now　how　was　my　soul　led

on　from　truth　to　truth　by　God；　now　had　I　evidence　of　my　salvation

from　heaven；　with　many　golden　seals　thereon　all　banging　in　my

sight；　and　I　would　long　that　the　last　day　were　come；　or　that　I　were

fourscore　years　old；　that　I　might　die　quickly　that　my　soul　might　be

at　rest。〃



At　this　time　he　fell　in　with　an　old　tattered　copy　of　Luther's

〃Commentary　on　the　Galatians；〃　〃so　old　that　it　was　ready　to　fall

piece　from　piece　if　I　did　but　turn　it　over。〃　　As　he　read；　to　his

amazement　and　thankfulness；　he　found　his　own　spiritual　experience

described。　　〃It　was　as　if　his　book　had　be