the life of john bunyan-第7部分

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amazement　and　thankfulness；　he　found　his　own　spiritual　experience

described。　　〃It　was　as　if　his　book　had　been　written　out　of　my

heart。〃　　It　greatly　comforted　him　to　find　that　his　condition　was

not；　as　he　had　thought；　solitary；　but　that　others　had　known　the

same　inward　struggles。　　〃Of　all　the　books　that　ever　he　had　seen；〃

he　deemed　it　〃most　fit　for　a　wounded　conscience。〃　　This　book　was

also　the　means　of　awakening　an　intense　love　for　the　Saviour。　　〃Now

I　found；　as　I　thought；　that　I　loved　Christ　dearly。　　Oh；　methought

my　soul　cleaved　unto　Him；　my　affections　cleaved　unto　Him；　I　felt

love　to　Him　as　hot　as　fire。〃



And　very　quickly；　as　he　tells　us；　his　〃love　was　tried　to　some

purpose。〃　　He　became　the　victim　of　an　extraordinary　temptation　…　〃a

freak　of　fancy；〃　Mr。　Froude　terms　it　…　〃fancy　resenting　the

minuteness　with　which　he　watched　his　own　emotions。〃　　He　had　〃found

Christ〃　and　felt　Him　〃most　precious　to　his　soul。〃　　He　was　now

tempted　to　give　Him　up；　〃to　sell　and　part　with　this　most　blessed

Christ；　to　exchange　Him　for　the　things　of　this　life；　for　anything。〃

Nor　was　this　a　mere　passing；　intermittent　delusion。　　〃It　lay　upon

me　for　the　space　of　a　year；　and　did　follow　me　so　continually　that　I

was　not　rid　of　it　one　day　in　a　month；　no；　not　sometimes　one　hour　in

many　days　together；　except　when　I　was　asleep。〃　　Wherever　he　was；

whatever　he　was　doing　day　and　night；　in　bed；　at　table；　at　work；　a

voice　kept　sounding　in　his　ears；　bidding　him　〃sell　Christ〃　for　this

or　that。　　He　could　neither　〃eat　his　food；　stoop　for　a　pin；　chop　a

stick；　or　cast　his　eyes　on　anything〃　but　the　hateful　words　were

heard；　〃not　once　only；　but　a　hundred　times　over；　as　fast　as　a　man

could　speak；　'sell　Him；　sell　Him；　sell　Him；'　and；　like　his　own

Christian　in　the　dark　valley；　he　could　not　determine　whether　they

were　suggestions　of　the　Wicked　One；　or　came　from　his　own　heart。

The　agony　was　so　intense；　while；　for　hours　together；　he　struggled

with　the　temptation；　that　his　whole　body　was　convulsed　by　it。　　It

was　no　metaphorical；　but　an　actual；　wrestling　with　a　tangible

enemy。　　He　〃pushed　and　thrust　with　his　hands　and　elbows；〃　and　kept

still　answering；　as　fast　as　the　destroyer　said　〃sell　Him；〃　〃No；　I

will　not；　I　will　not；　I　will　not！　not　for　thousands；　thousands；

thousands　of　worlds！〃　at　least　twenty　times　together。　　But　the

fatal　moment　at　last　came；　and　the　weakened　will　yielded；　against

itself。　　One　morning　as　he　lay　in　his　bed；　the　voice　came　again

with　redoubled　force；　and　would　not　be　silenced。　　He　fought　against

it　as　long　as　he　could；　〃even　until　I　was　almost　out　of　breath；〃

when　〃without　any　conscious　action　of　his　will〃　the　suicidal　words

shaped　themselves　in　his　heart；　〃Let　Him　go　if　He　will。〃



Now　all　was　over。　　He　had　spoken　the　words　and　they　could　not　be

recalled。　　Satan　had　〃won　the　battle；〃　and　〃as　a　bird　that　is　shot

from　the　top　of　a　tree；　down　fell　he　into　great　guilt　and　fearful

despair。〃　　He　left　his　bed；　dressed；　and　went　〃moping　into　the

field；〃　where　for　the　next　two　hours　he　was　〃like　a　man　bereft　of

life；　and　as　one　past　all　recovery　and　bound　to　eternal

punishment。〃　　The　most　terrible　examples　in　the　Bible　came　trooping

before　him。　　He　had　sold　his　birthright　like　Esau。　　He　a　betrayed

his　Master　like　Judas　…　〃I　was　ashamed　that　I　should　be　like　such

an　ugly　man　as　Judas。〃　　There　was　no　longer　any　place　for

repentance。　　He　was　past　all　recovery；　shut　up　unto　the　judgment　to

come。　　He　dared　hardly　pray。　　When　he　tried　to　do　so；　he　was　〃as

with　a　tempest　driven　away　from　God；〃　while　something　within　said；

〃'Tis　too　late；　I　am　lost；　God　hath　let　me　fall。〃　　The　texts　which

once　had　comforted　him　gave　him　no　comfort　now；　or；　if　they　did；　it

was　but　for　a　brief　space。　　〃About　ten　or　eleven　o'clock　one　day；

as　I　was　walking　under　a　hedge　and　bemoaning　myself　for　this　hard

hap　that　such　a　thought　should　arise　within　me；　suddenly　this

sentence　bolted　upon　me；　'The　blood　of　Christ　cleanseth　from　all

sin；'〃　and　gave　me　〃good　encouragement。〃　　But　in　two　or　three　hours

all　was　gone。　　The　terrible　words　concerning　Esau's　selling　his

birthright　took　possession　of　his　mind；　and　〃held　him　down。〃　　This

〃stuck　with　him。〃　　Though　he　〃sought　it　carefully　with　tears；〃

there　was　no　restoration　for　him。　　His　agony　received　a　terrible

aggravation　from　a　highly　coloured　narrative　of　the　terrible　death

of　Francis　Spira；　an　Italian　lawyer　of　the　middle　of　the　sixteenth

century；　who；　having　embraced　the　Protestant　religion；　was　induced

by　worldly　motives　to　return　to　the　Roman　Catholic　Church；　and　died

full　of　remorse　and　despair；　from　which　Bunyan　afterwards　drew　the

awful　picture　of　〃the　man　in　the　Iron　Cage〃　at　〃the　Interpreter's

house。〃　　The　reading　of　this　book　was　to　his　〃troubled　spirit〃　as

〃salt　when　rubbed　into　a　fresh　wound；〃　〃as　knives　and　daggers　in

his　soul。〃　　We　cannot　wonder　that　his　health　began　to　give　way

under　so　protracted　a　struggle。　　His　naturally　sturdy　frame　was

〃shaken　by　a　continual　trembling。〃　　He　would　〃wind　and　twine　and

shrink　under　his　burden；〃　the　weight　of　which　so　crushed　him　that

he　〃could　neither　stand；　nor　go；　nor　lie；　either　at　rest　or　quiet。〃

His　digestion　became　disordered；　and　a　pain；　〃as　if　his　breastbone

would　have　split　asunder；〃　made　him　fear　that　as　he　had　been　guilty

of　Judas'　sin；　so　he　was　to　perish　by　Judas'　end；　and　〃burst

asunder　in　the　midst。〃　　In　the　trembling　of　his　limbs　he　saw　Cain's

mark　set　upon　him；　God　had　marked　him　out　for　his　curse。　　No　one

was　ever　so　bad　as　he。　　No　one　had　ever　sinned　so　flagrantly。　　When

he　compared　his　sins　with　those　of　David　and　Solomon　and　Manasseh

and　others　which　had　been　pardoned；　he　found　his　sin　so　much

exceeded　theirs　that　he　could　have　no　hope　of　pardon。　　Theirs；　〃it

was　true；　were　great　sins；　sins　of　a　bloody　colour。　　But　none　of

them　were　of　the　nature　of　his。　　He　had　sold　his　Saviour。　　His　sin

was　point　blank　against　Christ。〃　　〃Oh；　methought　this　sin　was

bigger　than　the　sins　of　a　country；　of　a　kingdom；　or　of　the　whole

world；　not　all　of　them　together　was　able　to　equal　mine；　mine

outwent　them　every　one。〃



It　would　be　wearisome　to　follow　Bunyan　through　all　the　mazes　of　his

self…torturing　illusions。　　Fierce　as　the　storm　was；　and　long　in　its

duration　…　for　it　was　more　than　two　years　before　the　storm　became　a

calm　…　the　waves；　though　he　knew　it　not；　in　their　fierce　tossings

which　threatened　to　drive　his　soul　like　a　broken　vessel　headlong　on

the　rocks　of　despair；　were　bearing　him　nearer　and　nearer　to　the

〃haven　where　he　would　be。〃　　His　vivid　imagination；　as　we　have　seen；

surrounded　him　with　audible　voices。　　He　had　heard；　as　he　thought；

the　tempter　bidding　him　〃Sell　Christ；〃　now　he　thought　he　heard　God

〃with　a　great　voice；　as　it　were；　over　his　shoulder　behind　him；〃

saying；　〃Return　unto　Me；　for　I　have　redeemed　thee；〃　and　though　he

felt　that　the　voice　mocked　him；　for　he　could　not　return；　there　was

〃no　place　of　repentance〃　for　him；　and　fled　from　it；　it　still

pursued　him；　〃holloaing　after　him；　'Return；　return！'〃　　And　return

he　did；　but　not　all　at　once；　or　without　many　a　fresh　struggle。

With　his　usual　graphic　power　he　describes　the　zigzag　path　by　which

he　made　his　way。　　His　hot　and　cold　fits　alternated　with　fearful

suddenness。　　〃As　Esau　beat　him　down；　Christ　raised　him　up。〃　　〃His

life　hung　in　doubt；　not　knowing　which　way　he　should　tip。〃　　More

sensible　evidence　came。　　〃One　day；〃　he　tells　us；　〃as　I　walked　to

and　fro　in　a　good　man's　shop〃　…　we　can　hardly　be　wrong　in　placing

it　in　Bedford　…　〃bemoaning　myself　for　this　hard　hap　of　mine；　for

that　I　should　commit　so　great　a　sin；　greatly　fearing　that　I　should

not　be　pardoned；　and　ready　to　sink　with　fear；　suddenly　there　was　as

if　there　had　rushed　in　at　the　window　the　noise　of　wind　upon　me；　but

very　pleasant；　and　I　heard　a　voice　speaking；　'Did'st　ever　refuse　to

be　justified　by　the　Blood　of　Christ？'〃　　Whether　the　voice　were

supernatural　or　not；　he　was　not；　〃in　twenty　years'　time；〃　able　to

determine。　　At　the　time　he　thought　it　was。　　It　was　〃as　if　an　angel

had　come　upon　me。〃　　〃It　commanded　a　great　calm　upon　me。　　It

persuaded　me　there　might　be　hope。〃　　But　this　persuasion　soon

vanished。　　〃In　three　or　four　days　I　began　to　despair　again。〃　　He

found　it　harder　than　ever　to　pray。　　The　devil　urged　that　God　was

weary　of　him；　had　been　weary　for　years　past；　that　he　wanted　to　get

rid　of　him　and　his　〃bawlings　in　his　ears；〃　and　therefore　He　had　let

him　commit　this　particular　sin　that　he　might　be　cut　off　altogether。

For　such　an　one　to　pray　was　but　to　add　sin　to　sin。　　There　was　no

hope　for　him。　　Christ　might　indeed　pity　him　and　wish　to　help　him；

but　He　could　not；　for　this　sin　was　unpardonable。　　He　had　said　〃let

Him　go　if　He　will；〃　and　He　had　taken　him　at　his　word。　　〃Then；〃　he

says；　〃I　was　always　sinking　whatever　I　did　think　or　do。〃　　Years

afterwards　he　remembered　how；　〃in　this　time　of　hopelessness；　having

walked　one　day；　to　a　neighbouring　town；　wearied　out　with　his

misery；　he　sat　down　on　a　settle　in　the　street　to　ponder　over　his

fearful　state。　　As　he　looked　up；　everything　he　saw　seemed　banded

together　for　the　destruction　of　so　vile　a　sinner。　　The　〃sun　grudged

him　its　light；　the　very　stones　in　the　streets　and　the　tiles　on　the

house…roofs　seemed　to　bend　themselves　against　him。〃　　He　burst　forth

with　a　grievous　sigh；　〃How　can　God　comfort　such　a　wretch　as　I？〃

Comfort　was　nearer　than　he　imagined。　　〃No　sooner　had　I　said　it；　but

this　returned　to　me；　as　an　echo　doth　answer　a　voice；　'This　sin　is

not　unto　death。'〃　　This　breathed　fresh　life　into　his　soul。　　He　was

〃as　if　he　had　been　raised　out　of　a　grave。〃　　〃It　was　a　release　to　me

from　my　former　bonds；　a　shelter　from　my　former　storm。〃　　But　though


the　storm　was　allayed　it　was　by　no　means　over。　　He　had　to　struggle

hard　to　maintain　his　ground。　　〃Oh；　how　did　Satan　now　lay　about　him

for　to　bring　me　down　again。　　But　he　could　by　no　means　do　it；　for

this　sentence　stood　like　a　millpost　at　my　back。〃　　But　after